“It’s a fictional town in story I’m writing based on O’Leary,” I told him. “That’s what I do…did, I mean. Before. Back when I lived in the city. I was awriter.”
“Holy shit,” he breathed. “Daniel, how could you not tell me? Can I read what you’ve written? Have you ever triedpublishing?”
“I have. Not this.” I pointed at the computer. “This is just for me. But in the past, I’ve published sixbooks.”
“No fucking way!” He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me excitedly. “Have I heard of them? Did anyone buy them? Fuck. Can I buy them online rightnow?”
“Yes, a couple sold well, and fuckno, Julian. If you’re thinking of reading right now, I’m doing something wrong.” This time I did take the laptop away and set it on the floor. “You can read itlater.”
He let it go with a pout that turned to a grin when I pushed him back down on the seat and came down on top of him, bracing my weight on myforearms.
Still, though, hehesitated.
“Is this one of those things you’d rather not talk about?” he asked seriously. His hands reached up to cup myface.
I thought about it. He was giving me an out, if I wanted it. But I was shocked to find that I didn’t, really. Still, I bent down and set my forehead to his chin, addressing my words to his chest so I wouldn’t have to look athim.
“It’s painful. The last couple of books were… shit, Julian. God. Critics slammed them. They didn’t sell well at all. I thought I was going to be a writer forever, like I’d found my calling. And then I failed.” I took a deep breath and focused on the feeling of his fingers carding through my hair. “That’s when everything else fell apart, more or less. I got depressed, and ended up depressing all of my friends. My parents weredisappointed.”
His hands stilled. “And so, you moved here? Left everythingbehind?”
I nodded against his skin. “A freshstart.”
“I wish you’d told me.” The words weren’t an accusation, but a simple statement offact.
“I didn’t want you to know. I liked the way you saw me. Not Daniel-the-failure, butme.”
“I get it. I mean, I like the way you see me, too. But…” Laughter bubbled out of him. “God, you’rewrong.”
I lifted my head in shock. “Excuseme?”
“Sorry, but I mean, rarely in the history of the world have people been as wrong, baby,” Julian said solemnly. “You had one book that didn’t sellwell—”
“Two.”
“Fine,twobooks that didn’t sell well. That’s not a failed career.” He yanked at my hair now, making sure he had my attention. “That’s not the sum total of what you have to offer the world as awriter.”
“I don’t know. The thought of trying to publish anything again isterrifying.”
His eyes softened. “But we laugh in the face of fear,right?”
I snorted and bit gently at his chest, loving the feel of his muscles contracting as he squirmed. I licked at the spot I’d bitten, and Julian gave a gratifyinggasp.
“No sidetracking me right now,” he said sternly. “This isimportant.”
Isighed.
“One time when we were hiking, you told me I needed to change my internal dialogue. Do youremember?”
I grunted a negative. “Sounds like some shit I’d say,though.”
“Well, I think you need to change yours. Because—no, lift your head! Look at me for a second. Because even if you never wrote again, Daniel Michaelson,youwould not be a failure. Your career doesn’t define you. A failed book doesn’t mean a failed career, and baby, a career setback doesn’t mean a failedlife.”
Staring into his eyes, I couldn’t doubt his sincerity. And I don’t know what kind of strange magic he was working, but when he said it, I swear I felt the truth of it, too, deep in my gut. I hadn’t known I needed to hear the words until that second—maybe I wouldn’t have been ready to hear them until right then—but it was like a key turning in a lock, a weight lifting from myshoulders.
I didn’t say anything for a moment. Icouldn’t.
Julian must have mistaken my silence for disbelief because he continued, punctuating each sentence with a gentle shake of my head. “I think you’re amazing, you know that? You make me laugh. You make methink. You make things seem possible. You make me a better person. You make me…” His grip on my hair loosened and he shook his head, like he couldn’t summon any morewords.
