I gasped, just a soft little inhale I prayed he didn’t hear, but a second later the glare of the flashlight was turned onme, and I squeezed my eyes closed to protect myself from thelight.
“Oh, no,”Shane moaned. “You weren’t supposed to wake up. Neither of you was supposed to wake up. This would be so much easier if you stayedasleep.”
Except I hadn’t been asleep. I remembered now. Shane had seen me walking home. He’d pulled over to offer me a ride. I’d said no, but he’dinsisted.
Don’t worry, Ev,he’d said, once I was sitting in his little red car.It’ll all be alright.He’d offered me a napkin and a bottle ofwater.
And I’d been so grateful for his comfort, for the kindness of this virtual stranger, I’d decided that O’Leary was the best place in theworld.
Take me back to Silas’s house? I’d asked, after taking a deep drink, and he’d smiled and said hewould.
And then… nothing. My mind fuzzed out, like an old-school television with noreception.
“Shane, what’s happening?” I asked, even though I was really confident I didnotwant toknow.
“I’m sorry, Ev. I liked you. I mean, I do like you. Ido.”
I could barely keep my eyes open, my head was throbbing so badly. “I like you, too, Shane,” Ilied.
“But I thought you understood how itwas. Howlovewas. You’remarried.”
“I was,” I whispered. “I was. His name wasAdrian.”
“And you love him so much,” Shane said eagerly. “You love him more than anything in the whole wideworld.”
I frowned. There was no way Shane could know that, since I’d barely spoken Adrian’s name. “I love him a lot,” I agreed. “I took care of him until hedied.”
“But then how could you cheat on him withSilas?”
“I didn’t,” Iwhispered.
“That waswrong, Ev,” Shaneinsisted.
And… okay, here’s the thing. I’m not exactlyproudto say that it took a fucking psychopath repeating my bullshit back to me to recognize it for the total lie it was, but… yeah, that’s pretty much whathappened.
Because when Shane said, “That was wrong,”in his over-eager, crazypants voice, I could hear how ridiculous it sounded. How weak and stupid. All I could think was, “No. It’s the rightest thingever. It was destined, and ordained, and meant to be. It’s exactly the way it shouldbe.”
Yesterday, I’d accused Silas of using love as something to beat me over the head with, when in truth, that’s whatIhad done. Every time things with Silas were wonderful, I’d conjured an image of Adrian, forced myself to remember how painful it was to lose him and how much I owed to him, like if I could somehow hold myself back from loving Silas, I’d be able to protectmyself.
What a terrible thing that was. Terrible for me, terrible for Silas, and maybe most terrible forAdrian, who deserved to be remembered for the funny, kind, supportive, fussy, proud, candy-loving man he hadbeen.
At the end of a life, did it matter if anyone remembered the way you smiled or exactly the way you’d parted your hair? Did it matter if they used your stocking hangers at Christmas, or planted the flowers you liked? Or was it more important to live in a way that honored the way they’d loved you and the way they’d changed you? Because those were things I would never, never be able to forget, not until the day I died. No matter who else Iloved.
Just like Grandpa Hen had said, damnit.
“People can’t just change their minds,” Shane explained, almost kindly. “Not about things likethis.”
“I haven’t changed my mind about anything,” I told him with perfect honesty. “I loved Adrian when he was alive, and I love him still. Grief is eternal, just like… just like this land. It changes a little, but the essential parts stay thesame.”
Shane shook his head and his flashlight swung wide, reflecting off Frank again. The man had somehow managed to push himself to sit up, but his hands were tied in front of him. But Frank’s eyes widened as he watchedShane.
“No,” Shane said more vehemently. “That’s where you’re wrong. Love doesn’t change. If you love someone, you have to stay in love forever. Molly didn’t understand that, either.” He shook his headsadly.
“I thought… I thought Mollydidlove you,” I said. “That’s what everyonesays.”
“She did,” Shane said proudly. “She did. We loved each other foryears. But she listened to the wrong people, and they steered her wrong. Told her she could leave town, leavemeand everyone else who cared abouther.”
“She was going to school,” I reminded him. “And it was a terrible accident that took her, Shane, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t love you. She didn’t have a choice. When Adriandied…”
