I scowled. “That’s bullshit Ev. I haven’t fixed that car because it doesn’t need to be fixed. I like having it there, I like having it in pieces. It never needs to be finished because the work is thepoint.”
“You were mad that I pulled away from you in the restauranttoday.”
“Not mad.Hurt.”
“Because it risked your reputation,” he insisted shakily. “You don’t want to be committed to something unless it’s a sure thing.That’swhat’s wrong here. You think you’re ready for a commitment, b-but you don't want to be tied to anything that causes gossip. You want something risk-free and there isno suchthing."
I jumped off the counter. “That's not true. You know it'snot!”
But he’d tuned me out completely, arms folded over his chest like he wanted to protecthimself.
“What Iknowis that I havebeenin love before. I havebeencommitted before. And if you truly are committed to someone, you take care of them. You don’t… you don’t push them to do things they’re not ready to do just becauseyouare feelinginsecure.”
“I haven’t pushed…” That was a lie. I’d totally pushed. I was pushing right now. I sliced my hand through the air. “I just want to know we’re on the same page. That we’re moving towardsomething.”
“How can I move toward anything, Silas? How is that fair?” Ev shouted. His face was mottled red and his eyes were shining with tears. “Tell me, how is it fair that I get to move on and he doesn’t? It’s selfish, that’s what itis.”
He stopped short and sucked in a deep breath, eyeing me warily like he was frightened by his admission. And holy shit, I wastoo.
This was the crux of the problem, right here. Not that he didn’t care about me, but that hedid.And it waskillinghim that hedid.
“Why is it selfish to want to be happy?” I said softly, my heart breaking for himandfor myself. “Ev, why is it a betrayal to remember that hemadeyou happy, and to want to feel that again? If it was me, I’d be proud to have that as my legacy. And the real betrayal would be you thinking that happiness had to end just because my lifedid.”
Ev shook his head, tears streaming down his cheeks, but I pushed on because I didn’t know how to turn back. “If love is an eternal thing, Ev? Then he loves you still. And he wants you to behappy. Your grief is a monument to hisdeath,just like my mom and her endless fucking memorials. Yourhappinessis a monument to hislove.”
“You’re wrong. That’s not…” He broke off with a harsh sob that I felt resounding in my own chest. “You don’tknowwhat it’s like to love someone Silas. You don’t know what it’s like to losethem.”
I was pretty sure he was wrong aboutthat.
I was pretty sure I was going through that very thing, right then andthere.
“I love you, Everett Maior,” I told him. “And yeah, that scares me. It scares me that everyone in town will know it, and they’ll be pairing our names together until the end of time, because I don’t want to be endlessly reminded of someone who didn’t love me back. Unlike you and fuckingShane Goode,I don’t want my life to be a shrine to lostlove.”
His eyes widened, his chest heaved, his hands clenched on air, like he was fighting some kind of monster, some demon in his head that no one could see but him. And for one second, I almost believed he was going to beat it. That he was going to take one single step towards me — just one, and I would have met him the rest of the way, I swear it — but instead as I watched, his eyes shuttered and he finished that brick wall he’d been building betweenus.
He pushed past me to the kitchen door and threw itopen.
“You say you love me? That you want to be committed to me? Well, love isn’t a stick you beat your beloved over the head with, Silas. It’s not a thing you can push or manipulate orthreaten.”
And not a thing I couldstop, either, I realized, as I watched the man I loved walk out thedoor.
