I said nothing. There wasn’t muchtosay. This had been our routine for the past three weeks — three weeks in which I’d learned every inch of Everett’s delectable skin and all the best possible ways to make him come with my mouth and hands, three weeks in which we’d christened my shower and couch and bed and kitchen table (and on one delightful occasion, the front seat of my truck), three weeks in which we’d talked around the idea of anal sex but I hadn't pushed the issue because I was too busy watching Everett systematically wall off any deeper connection between us, brick by carefulbrick.
I thought I finally understood why Jamie kept going back to Parker's bar, though. Why he kept slamming himself against a brick wall, and couldn't manage to stay away, even when he knew it was going to fuck him uprelentlessly.
My phone dinged on the side table, and I reached over to grab it, then sighed as I read thedisplay.
“Called out?” Ev asked, sliding his shoeon.
“No. My mom’s worried she’ll have to cancel the memorial hike for Matty’s anniversary nextSunday.”
Ev looked up from tying his shoe to blink at me. “Why don’t you sound happier? You haven’t exactly been looking forward tothis.”
I leaned my head back against the sofa cushion. “Because she’s canceling it on account of people in town being afraid to go in the woods since Elliot and John are stillmissing.”
Ev winced. “That’s not your fault,” hesaid.
“I know it isn’t!” I said, exasperated. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like there’s something else I should be doing. I’m sitting here with you and maybe I could be… I don’t know, out looking forsomeone.”
Ev stopped digging under the sofa for his second shoe and plopped next to me. “You’ve followed every lead, Silas. You’ve done everything youcan.”
“And it’s not good enough.” I scrubbed my face with my hands. “Nothing is everenough.”
“What does thatmean?
I shook my head. “Nothing. I’m just…frustrated.”
“About the case?” He wascautious.
“About a lot of fucking things.” I was getting tired of caution. “I don’t get why she needs to have a memorial for Matty in the first place, but I sure as fuck don’t understand why it has to be onthatparticular day. Are we celebrating his life? Or celebrating hisdeath?”
Ev sat quietly for a second. “I know it’s exhausting, but she’s trying. She reminds me a lot of my mother — constant wailing and hand-wringing. Just agreeing to make it a hike instead of some graveside thing was aconcession…”
I pushed to my feet and stared down at him. “I’m sure it felt like a concession to her. It doesn’t feel like a concession to me. I want to be patient with her, but is it wrong to wish that she could learn to be just a little happier about what she has right now, rather than focusing on what she’smissing?”
Yeah, caution and I weren’t even in the sameroomrightnow.
I wanted my fucking boyfriend to say that he was my boyfriend. I wanted us to sleep together all night and wake up in the same bed. I wanted us to betogether, so maybe I didn’t feel like he had one foot out the door all the time and was taking two steps away for every one we tookforward.
I wanted to be the bakery treat. I didn’t want to be thepotato.
I ran a hand through my hair and sighed. That was literally the stupidest thing I’d ever thought about myself, and I owed Reggie What’s-his-name a huge fucking apology for ever thinking it abouthim.
I fuckinghatedthat I’d become an insecure, whinyfuck.
Maybe I should have foreseen it from the beginning, though. I’d known we weren’t in the same place. I’d just sort of imagined that we would start where we were and move forward together slowly. I hadn’t anticipated that we’d be detouring backwardsfirst.
“Grief is like a security blanket sometimes,” Everett said, staring at his own hands. “It’s hard to throw it off all at once. Maybe give hertime.”
I huffed out a breath and stretched my neck from side to side. “How long?” Iasked.
We both knew I wasn’t talking about mymother.
“Is it so terrible?” heasked.
I tried to find the words to tell him without sounding like an idiot. I wasn’t sure I could. I rubbed the back of myneck.
“Sometimes. It’s really, really hard to compete with someone who’s dead, Everett. There’s no way to win. I’m always going to be secondbest.”
Second best to my parents, second best to Ev’shusband.
