And I’d never, never been so attuned to someone’s responses. I wanted to hoard his every reaction, to collect his every sigh and groan, every thrust and shudder in the corner of my mind, like a pile of lucky river rocks I could worry overlater.
I was on a cliff. Surrounded by mist. Wearing jeans that were going to be fuckingruinedby the mud and make it really obvious that this “hike” had mostly happened on my knees. My dick was hard behind the fly of my jeans, and I barely noticed. And somehow it was so damngood, all of it. So right, my bellyflipped.
Who the hellwasI rightnow?
I didn’t know. I didn’t care. I suckedharder.
“Ev,” he moaned. He tapped my shoulder in warning, but I gripped his hip with one hand and tightened the other, jerking as I sucked, wanting him to spill down my throat. He did a second later, hot and bitter and musky-perfect, and I wanted more. I wanted to sink into thisforever.
A tear tracked down my face and startled the hell out ofme.
Oh, nice, Ev.Extraordinary.
I barely swallowed his cum before I started crying — big fat tears rolling down my face, shoulders shaking, breath hiccupping, the whole nineyards.
I was twenty pounds of fucked up in a ten-poundbag.
“Ev?” Si said, cradling my cheek in his palm. “Are you… No, obviously you’re not okay. Can wetalk?”
I shook my head, unwilling to look up athim.
“We should go,” Iwhispered.
“Please don’t do this,” he begged. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let things go thisfar.”
I shook my head. The only thing worse than talking about this would be letting him think that it was in any way hisfault.
That there wasanyfault to be found in this atall.
I wiped my damp cheeks on my fingers, and my fingers on the legs of his jeans, then I pulled his underwear up and pushed myself to myfeet.
“I’m not upset about this,” I said firmly, staring down at my own boots. My cock was still half-hard, which was possibly more fucked up than anything. “I wanted that. I’mgladit happened. It’s just… alot.”
“Okay,” Si said. He buttoned and zipped his pants, then reached for my shoulders, probably to pull me into his embrace, but I couldn’t handleit.
I turned awayinstead.
“I want to understand, but I don’t,” Si admitted. “Is this about… aboutAdrian?”
I sucked in a breath. Hearing his name was a shock, and not just because it was Si saying it, or because of what we’ddone.
“I don’t talk about him,” I toldSi.
“It still hurts?” he guessed, frowning. “I mean, there’s no time limiton…”
“Ugh!” I covered my face with both my hands. “That’s not it. Or maybe…" I sucked in a breath, tried to make sense of what madeno fucking sense. “I do better when I don’t talk about him, okay? I keep all the memories in my head, locked up safe.” My voice was muffled, but whatever. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t understand me even if he could hear me. I sounded insane to my ownears.
“And you keep his memory safe by keeping it toyourself?”
I noddedmiserably.
“Like Frank and Myrna with this land?” His voice was teasing but soft, easy. “You don’t want people trampling all over it or using it allup?”
“Go ahead. Tell me it’s fucked up and superstitious.” You couldn’t use up a memory or dilute it. I knew there was no logic to that. “I alreadyknow.”
He grabbed my wrists and pried my hands away from his face. “Careful,” he said. “You’restarting to sound like your grandfathernow.”
But then he put his finger under my chin and forced me to look up at him. “You’re okay, Ev. You are. Grief isn’t linear, and it doesn’tend, it just evolves. Really fucking slowly sometimes.” He bent and pressed a soft, chaste kiss to my lips and then to the top of myhead.
