Bas folded his arms over his chest. “It’s not ajoke.”
“No.” Cort sobered. “It’s not. I’m sorry. I’ve known I was bi since high school, so I forget how scary it can be to make these realizations. But it’s gonna be fine, dude. There’s not a single person we know who will think any differently of you. And if I can help you in anyway…”
“That’s not it! It’d be fine if I was gay, Cort. Or bi. Or what-the-fuck-ever. But I’m… I’ve got to be straight. I’vealwaysbeen straight. People arebornthe way they are!” Bas took a deep breath before he started singing Lady Gaga in the middle of the crowdedbar.
Cort frowned. “Well, yes, in the sense that it’s not a conscious choice to be gay or to be straight. But sexuality isn’t black and white, anyway; it’s more like a spectrum. And it’s not a fixed thing, either. Your attractions can evolve over time. I’m not attracted to the same people I was when I was younger.” He shrugged. “Hell, if my taste in snack food can evolve, why can’t my attraction to different people?” He popped another chip into hismouth.
“Because…” Bas shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “It’s not thatsimple.”
“Iagree,” Cort said intently. “It’s not simple at all. It’s actually super complex. Sexuality doesn’t necessarily follow any rules or develop fully in a specific timeframe.”
“I’m a thirty-year-old adolescent?” Bas rolled his eyes to cover his franticthoughts.
Cort snickered. “So tempting to give you shit, but no. And also…” He licked his lips as if debating whether to saysomething.
“Spit it out.” Bas crooked his fingers in invitation. “While I’m alreadyreeling.”
“Maybe think about whether itisa new thing, or whether maybe it’s been happening for a while and you’re just ready to come out to yourself now.” Cort’s voice was low, soothing, like Sebastian was a skittishhorse.
And maybe that wasn’t too far from the truth. His mind was practically dancing, realigning and re-categorizing information based on this new data, thinking about all the times he and Drew had been physically close and he’d runaway.
“Have I been lying to myself all this time?” he said, horrified. “When Cam and Drew have always been so honest about who they are?God.”
“Bas, it doesn’t work like that,” Cort insisted. “I mean, I’m not some gay guru, okay? But if there is one thing I know, it’s that it’s a process, an evolution.There are no rules.Everyone has their own truth, and they recognize it in their own time. There is no right way to do this. Or maybe it’s better to say,anyway you do it is right. Any time you accept yourself for who you are, it’s a win. And it’s not fair to say, ‘I should’ve realized I was gay when I was a preteen like Camden,’ any more than it’s fair for me to say, ‘I should have realized avocados are delicious when I was akid.’”
“Could you shut up about the damn guacamole?” Bassighed.
“It’s ananalogy, Seaver. Yeesh. Follow along here.” Cort winked. “Right, lemme break it down for you with no snack references.” He counted off on his fingers. “First, give yourself a break. Second, you don’t need to label yourself. Maybe you’re a straight guy who likes kissing Drew.” He shrugged. “Weirder things have happened. Don’t feel like you need to label yourselfanythingunlessyoufind it helpful. And third, it should go without saying, but I won’t share this with anyone, even Cam. He wouldn’t expect me to. You can talk to other people about it if or when you’re ready.Yeah?”
Bas nodded, too overwhelmed to speak. Maybe he was bi.Or maybe I’m a straight guy who likes kissing Drew.He ran a hand over his eyes and huffed out a laugh. Fucked up as it was, the idea was a revelation. For a man who needed to sort data, to evaluate and categorize and, yeah,label, the idea that he didn’t have to label himself at all was… fuckingrevolutionary.
Sebastian took a sip of his beer and took a second to appreciate the fact that he was discussing Drew - hisromantic feelings for Drew- without a nagging worry in the back of his mind. What if… what if he could justbewith Drew. Kiss Drew every fucking day. Have…Oh, Jesus.His dick pulsed in his jeans before he could even complete the thought…Have sex withDrew.
His chest felt lighter than it had sinceOctober.
“So, maybe you need to share this revelation with Drew,” Cort suggested, his eyesteasing.
“Well, the thing is, I kinda tried. I…we hooked up the other night.” He held up a hand before Cort could open his mouth. “Yeah, it was hot.No, I’m not giving you details for your prurientfantasies.”
Cortsnickered.
“But Drew told me he doesn’t want it to happen again. He’s scared that I’ll figure out this was all a mistake at some point. That I’ll pull away again to sort my shit like I did the past month. And it’ll ruin our friendshippermanently.”
Cort grimaced. “Do you blamehim?”
“No. It wasn’t my finestmoment.”
“Typical Seaver though. Gotta puzzle it out in that genius brain of yours.” He rolled his eyes. “When all along, what you’ve had is a heart problem, not a head problem. You were using the wrongmachine.
“I guess maybe I have.” Another stunningidea.
“Falling for someone is scary shit. Believe me.” Cort’s mouth tilted up at one corner. “I avoided love for three decades, before it fell on my head like an anvil in a Roadrunner cartoon. It kinda makes sense that you’d wanna avoid that - something you can’t control or think your way outof.”
Something he couldn’t control or think his way out of? Yeah, that was his relationship with Drew, alright. So maybe it did make sense that he’d hidden behind Amy, behind hisstraightness…
Bas blew out a breath and looked at Cort across the table. “You’re a fucked up kind of Dear Abby, Cortland. But shit, you’re good.” He couldn’t believe he’d ever thought Kendrick Cortland wasinsensitive.
“Uh huh.” Cort sighed. “So I keep telling your brother, but he just rolls his eyes and reminds me he saidI love youfirst.”
