“There is nowe, Samrat. And there never will be,” she said softly, tears running down her face. “I want you more than anything on earth. But I cannot forgive the fact that you did not believe me when I needed you the most.”
My heart clenched in agony as I understood that I had thrown away the most beautiful thing in my life out of jealousy and a lack of trust. And that there was no going back.
“I am very, very sorry about that, Meher. And I accept your decision. There is nothing I can do to turn the clock back, but I am completely and heartily ashamed of myself. And you have every right to kick me out of your life. But can you please allow me one thing?”
“What’s that?” she asked bitterly.
“Can you please allow me to protect you until we find out why that guy shot at you? I don’t deserve your love, but please let me keep you safe. Consider it my penance, if you will,” I begged.
“I will take you up on your offer to keep my family safe. But I will pay you for it,” she insisted.
“I don’t need your money, Meher,” I snarled in frustration.
“And I don’t need your penance, Samrat,” she snarled back just as viciously. “Take it or leave it.”
I understood what she was doing. She was taking what lay between us and reducing it to the lowest common denominator - money. And I was going to let her do it, because she had the right to punish me however she liked. After what I had done, I had no right to ask for anything. I had no right to try and get my own way.
“Fine! Throw money at me if it makes you feel better. But please, can I hold you one last time, Meher?” I asked bleakly.
She nodded, and I pulled her into my arms gently. I held her as she cried her heart out. I wished I could cry with her, but my tears had frozen solid a long time ago. Maybe around the time my father died. Probably around the time I walked out on Meherand destroyed our lives. Or maybe when Mani died. They were definitely frozen when Bhai Sa died. All I had left was this block of pain where my heart used to be. Maybe Meher’s tears raining on it would start to melt it at some point.
We sat on the bed, and I held her until her sobs calmed.
“I have to go,” said Meher at last, wiping her face with her sleeves. “I have a houseful of guests. I need to take you all on safari tomorrow morning.”
“No way,” I declared. “You can’t go out in the open until we’ve figured out who was shooting at you and why. This is very serious, Meher.”
“How does it matter, Samrat? The chap’s been arrested. And I know from speaking to other conservationists that poachers are a desperate breed. They will do anything to protect their business. If not this guy, someone else will come and shoot me someday. That’s a risk I’m willing to take because it’s a professional hazard, just like in your profession.”
“Of course, it matters,” I exclaimed.
She gave me a cynical smile.
“Why? Because now I’m suddenly a ‘good girl’ in your book? I bet you’d have sung a different tune a few minutes ago.”
“Yeah, that’s why I risked my life and took a bullet for your sake,” I said sarcastically.
She looked a little deflated at that.
“I could cut you out of my life eight years ago, Meher, but for the life of me, I couldn’t cut you out of my heart,” I said wearily. “For eight long years, I carried you in my heart, telling myself you were a treacherous bitch, and that I didn’t love you anymore. But every time I told myself that, I didn’t realise it was just another excuse to think of you.”
CHAPTER 17
MEHER
Samrat’s words echoed in my ears as I trudged back to my room, exhausted to the core.
I didn’t know why I was so surprised that the evening turned out like this. What did I expect? That we could have sex and forget all about the past when it was such a big part of our present?
But a small part of me wished I hadn’t been a virgin. That in these eight years, I had found some man to lose my virginity to, then we wouldn’t have had to stop tonight, and I’d at least have the memory of making love to Samrat to carry me through the rest of my life. Now, I had nothing.
If someone had told me this morning that I was going to almost have sex with Samrat, I would have laughed in their face. Because I could never forgive what he did to me. And yet, when he risked his life for my sake and ran after the shooter, all I could think of was that if something happened to him, my life wouldn’t be worth living.
I was so sure I had driven him out of my heart, but all it took was being around him for a few days, and I went back to being the same idiotic Meher, besotted with Samrat just like I had been eight years ago, his betrayal completely forgotten.
Unfortunately, some things didn’t stay forgotten, no matter how much you tried to suppress them. Not my love for him or the memory of his betrayal.
So here I was, madly in love with him all over again, and unable to trust he wouldn’t destroy me like he did the last time.
