“You don’t talk about it, Josh. You let it exist and it doesn’t go away when you do that. I want to know that you’ll take care of yourself. Your life is about to changesomuch.”
I hate talking about it. That’s true. Sheknowsthat I hate talking about it. I can barely speak aboutanyof my problems with her, and when I do, I get severe word vomit, blowing chunks of information and oversharing like a motherfucker.
Her intentions are in good will and she’s right about the entire thing. I’m fully aware of all those points, but good lord—does she have to always read me up and down like an almanac?
“C’mon.” I kiss her jawline, whispering against her skin.
“Would you stop worrying, please?”
“Josh…” She tilts her head, closing my access off and pulling herself away.
I sigh. “Okay,” I say, sitting back in my seat, aching as I say my following line. “You’re…right. My mental health sort of sucks.”
“So try therapy. I know surfing camp was supposed to make it all better, but growing is a forever thing, Josh. I could also do the same when it comes to that stuff.” She turns in her seat, leaning on the middle console now.
I groan, covering my face with the towel. Every second of this is excruciating agony.
“Don’t groan at me. You have to find something unless somehow you feel influenced to tellmewhat’s on your mind.”
She puts her hand on my stomach, rubbing it slowly.
“I’m getting there.Trying to,” I say, pulling the towel away 330
A LITTLE MORE TIME
and relaxing with her touch.
“I see it. And I’m patient,” she says softly.
She knows the real me, but many of my rawest parts are kept in the four walls of my bedroom where nobody can see. I’m tired of those walls being the only ones to know those secrets.
She knows almost all of them but has little context on how they’ve affected me in the long term. That’s the breakthrough that we need. More nights like this between us and I’ll crack in no time. She reaches for my chin, rubbing a few fingers against it.
“I love you, Josh.”
“I love you, too. A shit ton.”
I see it. And I’m patient.
She ruins me with every kind-hearted word she spits out. I kept repeating it while we were in my bed andIwas supposed to be sleeping. I had it in my heart that she was doing enough rest for the both of us. I was more interested in studying her face and making shapes with my thumb against her cheeks and lips. There isn’t a thing about her I could dislike. Her dad was right when he said I should be grateful. Although, I’m unsure if grateful is the proper term for how special I feel having an opportunity to do everything that she’s let me do.
I don’t feel worthy, but I wouldn’t want anyone else to be in this position but me.
* * *
Every time I close my eyes, I miss another second of my precious time with her. My eyes were working hard, trying to stay open the entire duration of our lying in each other’s arms, but they gave up without me even noticing. By the time I was 331
FAKING FOREVER
able to notice that I wasn’t awake anymore, my eyes shot open and it was too late. The darkness had turned to light already and the sun was blaring through my curtains. I shut them just as fast as they opened, feeling the burning sensation from the brightness. “Hi, sleepy man.” An angelic voice vibrates against my bare chest, swirling a finger on it in circles.
“Mm, how long were you watching me for?” I ask in a hoarse voice, clearing my throat immediately after while opening my eyes to look at her. I started to rub them with the hand that wasn’t tightly twisted around her body, holding her close.
“I lost track of time after I got tired of trying to pry myself from your arms.” She smiles, biting at her bottom lip.
“I’m sorry,” I say, waking up more, becoming aware of myself and giving her freedom. I haven’t had this kind of physical contact in so long; I was already clinging to it.
Cuddling was always a guilty pleasure of mine.
