Without thinking, I blow the stray lash from his thumb and fly right into dangerous territory. He shudders as my breath fans over him, his eyes flashing with something I’m too scared to name.No.You’re seeing what you want to see, Ashlie.
Wetting his bottom lip, Hunter’s eyes shift to my mouth, and he gravitates toward me. I feel myself lean into him as if we’re attached by an invisible string. The flutters from before are now noticeable flops as I remember a moment when being this close led to something I’ve forced myself to bury time and again.
“Here’s your check!” the blond waitress calls cheerily, sending us both flying backward as we’re snapped back to reality on the restaurant patio. My head swirls as I try to make sense of being dropped from that cloud of intimacy. Focusing on the green and white striped bistro umbrella flapping in the breeze, I take a deep breath and try to ground myself. “I’ll be your cashier whenever you’re ready.” She smiles at us, sliding the check on the table before walking back into the building.
I reach for my glass and sip away the lingering sensations traveling through me. This is Hunter.Hunter. I know how he operates, and that magnetic pull I was feeling moments ago was one-sided.It had to be. He was trying to be a supportive friend, and I went and turned it into something more in my head.Again. I do this, getting misguided crushes on him every time I break up with a boyfriend. It always seems to last until the next guy comes along. When my logic recalibrates, he’s put back into his proper place. This was that, no matter what’s going on with my stomach.
As Hunter stands, he brushes the dirt from his knees and settles back into his seat across from me. Clearing my throat, I angle my chair to the table, pretending like I didn’t just have a full-on crisis from his touch. He pulls out his phone and scrolls with the same thumb that just sent a jolt through me as it traveled across my cheek.
I want him.
I mentally trample over the wayward thought to put me back into the right headspace. He’s probably over there talking to three different women, unfazed by anything that just happened.Figures.
Walking back to Fit4U isn’t any different than it usually is, with us arguing about who would win in a fight: squid vs. octopus. When we get outside the door to my job, Hunter pulls me in for a hug. We’ve hugged before, but after the one-sided charge in the air at lunch, I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t tick a beat faster being wrapped up in his arms. Okay, several beats faster. His spicy ginger musk curls around me like a protective blanket, and I lose all my common sense when he squeezes a little tighter than normal.Maybe I wasn’t imagining.
“Hey, have you been swimming lately?” he asks abruptly.
I freeze in his arms, the question unleashing an onslaught of anxiety. “Not in forever. I stopped having time when I was teaching.”
Hunter lets go and nods thoughtfully. “You’re just so down on yourself right now. I was thinking it might help you feel better. We could go together, if you want. You still have your membership at McMahon?”
I shake my head slowly. “Nope. That expired a while ago…” My voice cracks, and I let out a frustrated groan. I can already feel the tears pricking behind my eyes, something I don’t want to take in to work.
“Another hobby, maybe? Doing something just for you could be the thing that helps rekindle your spark.”
“Yeah…maybe.” I give a hopeless chuckle as a tear rolls down my cheek. Feeling the way I do, that’s all easier said than done.
Hunter throws an arm across my shoulders and pulls me in for another hug. “Hang in there, Ash,” he says with a squeeze. “You’ll figure it out.”
“Hope so… Thanks for lunch.”
“Sure thing,honey bear.”
He jumps away as I aim for his shoulder, laughing his ass all the way back to his car.
You can’t do it.
My eyes zoom around my living room, unable to focus on anything long enough to ground me. A steamroller irons out my lungs, each shallow inhale doing nothing to help me breathe. Wiping the cold sweat from my forehead, I lean back against the couch cushion, hoping it will give me a little more room for air. Another failed attempt at the grad school application, accented with an all-encompassing panic attack, and I’m convinced. Going back to school isn’t happening.
I need to clear my mind, take away the festering dread creeping through my body at this decision. After shutting down my computer, I grab my purse and head for my car. Without really thinking about where I’m going, I drive to the place that always used to put a smile on my face. I give in to every single worry scrolling through my head on the way—work, school, stupid emails from exes, my inability to latch onto a crumb of confidence—everything. Hot tears drip down my cheeks, but I save the downpour, waiting until I find a spot in the back of the parking lot.
The McMahon Swimming Center used to be my favorite place to swim. The year-round double pools—indoor and outdoor—made it easy to come here multiple times a week in college. Now, I can’t even step foot in the parking lot. I know Hunter offered to come here with me, but knowing my luck, I’ll have a panic attack in the water and drown in the pool. It’s been too long. I’m worlds away from who I was back then. That girl was confident and carefree. The woman I am today pretends well, but every little misstep gets logged in my growing book of inadequacy.
I look to the building again, the lights inside glowing like a beacon of hope as the sky grows dark. My mind screams at me to get out of the car, but the seven types of worry pinning me to my seat are relentless.
This isn’t helping.
Another tear drips down my cheek right as my phone buzzes in my purse. I dig it out and smile at the name on the screen. The text from my best friend came right on time, like she knew I needed the distraction.
Kayla
I’m freaking out. There are too many decisions to make.
Me
…Isn’t it literally your job to plan events?
Kayla
