“Kayla, last night, what you saw, it wasn’t real…”That’s not what I meant to say at all.My hand taps away on the side of my knee as I try to organize what I want to say to her. I try again. “What I mean is, I was helping her with her shoe. She hurt her ankle… Well, Ithoughtshe did, and then she kissed me and that’s what you saw. I didn’t… I would never?—”
“Do you know how ridiculous you sound right now?” She turns toward me but doesn’t look. Her eyes are still fixed down to the ground.
“I… Yes, I do. But that’s what happened. She set up the whole thing, and?—”
“You’re going to say it was all her? Chase, Isawyou. You were holding her leg as she sat in your lap. Her hands were tangled in your hair. You were?—”
She stops abruptly, closing her eyes tightly, unable to finish the last word in her sentence.Kissing. She thinks I was a willing participant in this, and from her perspective, I can see there’s not much I can do to convince her otherwise.
“I know it looks that way, but I need you to trust me… Will you look at me? Baby, please?”
Shaking her head, she bites the inside of her lip. I squat in front of her, trying to meet her eyes, but she turns away from me, taking her hands from her pockets to push herself back against the bench. “No.”
“Why?” It’s more of a statement than a question. I’m so frustrated right now, trying to get her to let me back in. She’s completely shutting me out, and I don’t know how to stop it. There’s only so much I can do when she won’t even look at me.
“Because if I look into your eyes, I might believe your stupid excuse, and you’ll reel me back in. I can’t do that to myself. Not again.”
“Kayla, I love you.” I take her hands in mine, holding on tight as she flinches against it. “I didn’t mean to say it how I did last night, but it’s not any less true. I love you.” Rubbing my thumbs over the back of her knuckles, I hope the skin contact will convey the truth in my words. “I love your drive, your confidence, your determination. When you’re stubborn and challenge everything I say, and when you’re sassy and playful. I love your heart, your smile.God, Kayla, your smile, it lights me up inside. I know it’s too soon, and I don’t need you to say it back. I just…” I hold my breath, waiting for her to say or do anything. She hasn’t moved her hands from mine, but she hasn’t looked at me either. “Baby, please look at me… I love you.”
“It doesn’t matter,” she whispers as a tear rolls down her cheek.
I reach to brush it away, but her hand beats me to it. She pulls her other hand from mine, and her words slowly traipse through my head.It doesn’t matter. I told her I love her, and she said it doesn’t matter.
“I told you I was tired of running, and I am. When this happened before, I didn’t stick up for myself. So this is me, facing everything instead of avoiding it,” she says. The last glimmer ofhope sparks inside of me as I wait for her to finish, just wanting to get past this so I can hold her again.
“I want to be very clear so there’s no misunderstanding between us,” she continues, wiping her face. “I don’t want to see you, Chase. I don’t want you to call me, or send me messages, or come over to my house. I don’t want to be with you anymore.” She looks at me then, her green eyes sparking with the determination I just told her I love. Her words are thick with resentment as she places the final brick on top of the wall she’s been constructing between us since I stepped outside. “Stay away from me. Please,” she whispers.
She stands, forcing me to scoot back so we don’t collide, and walks down the stairs. The roar of her car’s engine becomes the musical score to the squeezing I feel in my chest. My squatting has transitioned into a full sit as I lean against the railing, using my knees as a chin rest, unable to watch her drive away. My mind goes blurry, and I sit there until my legs tingle from numbness. When I stand, I trudge across the porch and into the rental. I go straight to my bed, and I stay there.
I don’t even knowwhat day it is. My stagnant muscles are stiff and my head hurts. Aside from getting up to use the bathroom, I’ve just been here, wasting away in bed. Hunter’s come in a couple of times, but I fake sleep until he leaves. As I hear my door open now, I slam my eyes shut, purposely slowing my breathing. I just want to be left alone to sink so deep into the abyss that it doesn’t hurt anymore. If we’re talking tree scale, this feels like absolute hell.
“Get up, Chase,” Mom’s voice says from the doorway. I don’t move, hoping she’ll give up as easily as Hunter and leave me alone to decay in this bed. “You think I don’t know when you’re faking sleep?” She walks around the bed and slams the curtain open witha flourish. Bright light sails in through the double doors of my balcony, and my arm jumps to cover my eyes on instinct. “You’ve been in this bed for three days. Hunter’s freaking out. He’s never seen you like this before. What happened?”
With a sigh, I sit up, not bothering to catch the hood of my sweater as it slides backward. I look at her, unable to say anything because, what’s the point? She can’t do anything about it, and talking about it feels like a waste of time.
“And another thing…Maggie, Chase? Really?” she asks.
“Sounds like you already know what happened.” I shrug before lying back down on my side, barely recognizing the flat tone of my voice.
“Getup!” She whacks my knee. Her arms cross, and she gives me the look that says she isn’t going to repeat herself. I sit up again, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees. “There’s food on the table,” she says, not moving from her spot in front of me.
“I’m not hungry.”
“I didn’t ask. Now go.” Arching her brow, she taps her foot, waiting for me to move. I know she’s not above climbing into the bed behind me and kicking me out of it.
After another sigh, I stand and hobble past her out to the hallway. All the blinds are open, and I squint against the light as I drag myself to the kitchen.
A stack of chocolate chip pancakes sits at the head of the table, still warm from the pan. My stomach rumbles as steamy tendrils reach my nose. When I sit, my eyes focus on the front porch through the window, and I cringe. My stomach turns over as I remember everything that was said out there. It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to be with you anymore.Definitely worse than falling out of a tree.
Any appetite I had when I first smelled the pancakes has disappeared. I push the chair back, moving to the stool at the counter and leaving the plate where it is. My forehead hits the cool marble countertop as I lay my head down. I just want to crawlback into bed. A sliding sound next to my ear makes my head fall to the side as Mom pushes the plate toward me. A clanging fork and knife land next to it.
“Eat,” she commands, walking around the island to stand across from me, keeping her eyes on me the entire way. When I sit up, my thumb immediately shoots to my temple, grabbing at the dehydrated pounding. I hear some clinking and open my eyes to a glass of water.
“Thanks,” I croak. My slow sips turn into hearty gulps as I guzzle the cold water down. Reconsidering the stack of food next to me, I pick up the fork and wedge off a small piece. It goes down easier than expected, so I reach for the knife and move the plate in front of me. Each bite is better than the last until I’ve made it three-quarters of the way around the stack.
“What happened?” Mom asks again. She hasn’t stopped watching me since she forced me out of bed this morning.Is it morning? I don’t even know what time it is.
“Where is everyone?” I try to change the subject, not wanting to crack open the freshly buried box that is my heart.
