“Then say it!” she cuts me off, her voice rising. “Say you do want me! Or just… go ahead, Jared. Walk away, just like you did when we were younger. I was just for fun then and still just for fun today.”
I go rigid, her words landing like a sucker punch to the ribs. “That doesn’t count,” I fire back, my voice edged with disbelief. “We weren’t a thing back then.”
“Oh, yeah?” Her laugh is hollow, and she shakes her head. “There it is. That’s all I needed to hear.”
“Alli, stop,” I say, closing the distance between us. “You’re twisting my words.”
She turns to face me, her eyes blazing. “Is that what you think? I’m just trying to understand! I think, and think, and think! It’s all I do! You’re the one shutting me out, Jared. You’re the one making me feel like I’m just too much to deal with.”
I flinch, her words slicing through me like a goddamn blade. “You’re not a burden,” I say, frustration lacing my voice. “You’re the only thing that makes sense to me. But I don’t know how to be what you need.”
Her eyes narrow, her arms cross over her chest, and I see the wall going up between us, brick by brick. “I’m not asking you to be perfect. I’m asking you to let me in. But if you can’t even do that, then maybe I was wrong about us.”
Her words leave me gutted. I open my mouth, but only an exhale comes out. Her expression flinches, but I can tell it’s not anger. It’s sadness.
“I never said I didn’t want to be with you,” the words come out thick, like they’ve been lodged in my throat for too long.
“Then prove it.” She steps in, eyes shining with unshed tears. “Say you want this, us. Because I can’t keep guessing. I can’t keep fighting for someone who’s already given up.”
The walls close in on me, and my mouth goes dry as the words refuse to come. It’s like my mind goes still, trapped in the silence.
She takes a step back, her arms dropping to her sides.
“Alli…” I reach for her, but she pulls away, the distance between us suddenly insurmountable.
“You know what the worst part is?” she says, her voice trembling. “I thought I was different this time. That we were different.”
“That’s not fair,” I snap, the frustration bubbling up. “You think this is easy for me? You think I want to feel like I’m drowning?”
She cuts through my defense, her voice sharp. “Don’t make this about protecting me. This isn’t about me, Jared. It’s about you being too scared to let someone care about you. If you want people to care for you, to be there for you, you need to let them in. You can’t even do that for me.”
The truth in her words knocks the breath out of me, but I still can’t say what she needs to hear.
She blinks rapidly, her shoulders sagging. “I can’t do this anymore,” she whispers. “I’m done waiting for you to decide if I’m worth it.”
Panic claws at my chest, and I step toward her. “Alli, don’t do this. Please.” But she shakes her head, her tears glistening in the moonlight.
“You already did, Jared.”
Chapter 37
Alli
“He’s such a pain,” I continue, pacing back and forth in my bedroom. “One minute he’s hot, the next he’s cold. Like, make up your damn mind, Jared!” I huff, tossing a pillow onto my bed with more force than necessary.
Serena chuckles on the other end of FaceTime while Flowers by ASTN plays through my speakers.
“Okay, so he’s an asshole. But do you want to stop caring about him, or do you just want to yell at me until you feel better?”
I pause, gripping the phone tighter. “Both?” My voice cracks slightly, and I hate how exposed I feel. “No, I mean, neither? I don’t know, Serena. He’s infuriating. I hate him. But also, I don’t.”
She goes to reply, but I’m quicker. “I don’t care about him!” I snap, but even as the words leave my mouth, I know they’re a lie. “I mean… not in that way. It’s not like I signed up for this to be anything real.”
There’s a gasp on the other end of the line. “Not real? Alli, what are you talking about?” Serena’s voice sharpens.
Shit. My brain scrambles, but it’s too late. The words are already out, and Serena’s silence feels like a spotlight.
“I—uh—” I stammer, gripping the edge of my desk like it might save me. “Nothing, forget it. I’m just venting.”
