“I don’t think you can leave town during an investigation,” I say, spearing a piece of steak and ignoring the glare from both of my parents.
“What would you know? You’re just a child. It’s not really an investigation,” he says in denial as he loosens his tie, and sweat starts to bead on his forehead. My father could be considered a good-looking guy with his dark hair and brown eyes. He disgusts me, though, when I look at him. I’ve been told more than once growing up about how I was an accident and they never wanted children. At least with a boy, he said, he would have more things in common with but he got stuck with me. I know he’s never been faithful to my mother, but she doesn’t seem to care. As long as she can use his black Amex card whenever she wants to, she’s happy.
“It’s the FBI. It's definitely an investigation. They will find out, you know. Anything illegal is something you are going to have to deal with.” I’m finding my voice more and more every day. I see my daughter picking up on things even though she’s only two. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen her hug my parents unless my mom has company over and she forces her to so she can look like a doting grandma.
I’m finding strength through her, and I won’t have her grow up like I did. I want better for her and to be surrounded by a family who loves her like I do. Grey eyes come to mind, and I stuff the memory back inside before the hurt overtakes me again. I’ve gotten good at shoving it to the deepest part of me. If I didn’t, I would never be able to leave the darkness, and my baby girl needs me.
“I didn’t hear you complain when you got the best growing up,” my father roars at me, and I barely flinch. I’ve gotten so used to it by now that it doesn’t even faze me. “I’ve given you everything you could have possibly wanted. This goddamn house is worth millions alone.” He waves his hand around themansion, and all I see is a cold place with no love staring back at me. It’s like a museum in here with its polished floors and high-end decor. I made sure my room, which is connected to my daughter’s, looks nothing like the rest of the house. It’s our own private place filled with things we love.
“I asked for none of it. I only wanted one thing, and you took it from me.” I stare back into his cold brown eyes. Done are the days I will remain silent. I refuse to be afraid anymore.
“We did what was best for you. You would be living in some tiny apartment right now as a bored housewife.” My mother self-medicates again as she pours herself another glass of wine mixed with whatever the choice of pills for the night is.
“I could care less about the money. I would be happy. You didn’t even let me say goodbye.” Tears threaten to spill as I hold them back when the pain slices through me all over again.
“We’ve been through this a million times. I don’t want to hear another word on the matter. We are giving you a better life than he ever could. Even if your father didn’t have to move for work, it’s not like we could have stayed and told our friends that our nineteen-year-old daughter got pregnant because she couldn’t keep her legs shut. We gave you a fresh start. Quit being such an ungrateful brat. You had to leave one person. Think of how we felt having to leave all our friends behind.”
My mother wouldn’t know what a real friend was if it bit her in the ass. She has acquaintances, and they both feed off each other to better their status until there is no more use for them, and they part ways, finding the next victim.
“I never asked you to move for me. You forced me. Father threatened…”
“Enough!” I jump as my father’s hand slams down on the table. “If I hear one more word about it again, I’ll do what I should have done in the beginning and follow through on my threat just because the son of a bitch got you pregnant. Andtrust me, no amount of begging this time will get me to stop.” He rubs his forehead with a pained look on his face. “I have more concerning things to worry about right now, and your high school crush is not one of them. I’m sure he’s moved on by now, and it’s about time you grew up and did so, too.”
His words cut through me like a knife. It’s those images that haunt my nights while I toss and turn, crying myself to sleep. It’s not like I could be mad at him for moving on. It’s been three years and I left without saying goodbye. I’m the one he hates, and it breaks me in two to know how badly I must have hurt him. All my appetite is gone as I slowly push my plate away and stand up.
“I’m going to bed.” I walk away without looking at either of them.
“Goodnight, dear,” I hear my mother call out like she doesn’t know what their words do to me. I ignore her as I climb the enormous staircase to my bedroom. Luckily, my parents’ master suite is downstairs, so unless we have guests, the upstairs is all mine. My parents never come up here unless it’s to yell at the maid for something that wasn’t to their liking. I don’t think anyone could ever live up to their standards. The maids are replaced so quickly that I stopped learning their names a long time ago. I would get close to them and feel like I had a mother figure, only for it to be snatched away in the blink of an eye. I learned at a very young age that the only person I could count on to never leave was myself.
I even kept my friend Brooklyn at a distance. We were friends in high school, but I never really allowed myself to open up to her. We slowly drifted apart when she moved away after graduation to attend a college in Connecticut.
My only exception was him. I let him all the way in and loved him more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life. I never knewwhat love felt like until I met him. Like a fool, I thought it would be forever, but my parents had other plans.
I walk across the plush cream carpet and bend down next to the toddler bed. Her auburn hair is soft as I brush back the curls that frame her face. She’s squeezing her teddy bear in her arms. I found the bear at a flea market in town when I was pregnant. Some sweet older lady sells them and makes little t-shirts for the bears. This one has a black Porsche on the front and I immediately thought of him and had to have it. I set it next to her the day she came into this world, wanting a piece of him next to her.
A single tear slides down my face as they do every night when I’m not strong enough to keep the memories of him away. She’s the perfect combination of the best parts of both of us. I see him every time she looks at me with her big grey eyes. It hurts in a way that I never knew possible and is a constant reminder of what I lost, but the love I feel for her is what keeps me going.
I kiss her soft hair and pull the covers tighter around her before walking through her room to mine. I leave the door open like I do every night so I can see her while I sleep. I strip down to my underwear and pull a worn t-shirt over my head. It’s the only thing I’ve stolen in my life, but I had to have a piece of him with me. It took me months before I would even wash it. His scent is long gone, but I still can’t bring myself to get rid of it. I feel close to him when I wear it, and if I close my eyes, I can almost pretend he’s hugging me at night.
I wash my face quickly before climbing into bed and pulling the covers up to my chin. The nights are the worst. It’s so hard when the silence is deafening, and your heart wants to remember the one thing you yearn for. Reaching under my pillow, I pull out the photo that made it through when my mother destroyed all the others. She erased three years of my life like it didn’t exist. The fire licked at the edges of the photosbefore they were swallowed up by the orange and blue flames. I cried until I was hoarse as I watched his face become ashes, just like my heart did that night.
I look at the photo in my hand, unable to stop the tears from falling. It was prom night, and we looked so happy as we both smiled into the camera. He’s wearing a black suit with a blue tie that he insisted had to be our color because it matches my eyes. I went shopping with Brooklyn and found the perfect blue dress and heels. His arms are wrapped around me from behind, and I can still feel how safe I felt in them. He was the only light in my life only to be dimmed far too soon.
I close my eyes tight and hug the photo to my chest as the memories wash over me, and I cry myself to sleep.
Prom Night
Eve - Seventeen
The excitementin me is so profound that even my parents can’t ruin my mood tonight. I begged them for weeks to let me go to prom.
They agreed on two conditions.
One, I had to double with Brooklyn. Done.
Two, they got to pick my date, who happened to be the son of one of my father’s acquaintances at the country club he belongs to. He’s a senior and has already been accepted into med school, so to them, he’s the perfect choice.
Ryder and I have been seeing each other as much as we can since the night we met ten months ago. It became apparent early on that my parents disapproved of him. My father had seen him around town with his two older brothers covered in tattoos and made his own assumptions about him. When hefound out he works in a garage, that just sealed the deal that he was no good for me.
