“You do know she marries Darcy in the end?”
“Not funny, Ash. This isn’t a book.”
“That’s the first honest thing you’ve said.”
“Huh?”
“Come on, Sam. You didn’t reject Alex because he ticked you off. You rejected him so he couldn’t hurt you. You had to be the last one standing. All alone.”
“That’s not fair. I’m not alone. I’ve got you, I’ve got the Muirs, I’ve got friends. I laid down those characters. I’ve laid myself bare for months. Do you understand how hard that is?”
“More than most.” Her small frown confirmed her words. It’s unbelievable that I ever dismissed Ashley; she’s more like me than anyone I’ve known. We came at loneliness from opposite ends of the world, but we both found it.
Ashley continued, “You accept those relationships on your own terms. We can’t hurt you. Not really. I don’t have access to those places deep within you. And if I did reach one and I harmed you . . . you’d walk away justified and never look back.”
My jaw dropped. It didn’t faze her.
“Don’t give me that face. I’d do the same to you, and we both know it. And the Muirs? You let them in, but it isn’t the same. Parental love is safer than romantic love.”
Again I looked shocked, and she backtracked.
“I don’t mean your real parents; they caused wounds I’ll never understand. But the Muirs aren’t going to hurt you deep in your heart. They won’t betray you, and you know that. Letting them in is not dangerous. You can remain whole.”
She scooted toward me on the couch and took my hands. I sensed something bad was coming. You see it in the movies. The adult takes the kid’s hands before telling her that the puppy died. I closed my eyes.
“Alex? He could wreck you. You’ve loved him since the first moment you saw him. Josh’s betrayal could never touch what Alex could do to you.”
“You’re not helping.” I started crying again, that slow kind when tears course down your cheeks because you’ve been hit by something so painful and so long lasting that sobbing lacks the stamina to endure it.
“You’re not a coward, Sam. You never were. Tell Alex your fears. Tell him your past. All of it.” She paused. “Did he ever read your firstTribunearticle?”
“I don’t think so. He never mentioned it.”
“Why didn’t you show it to him? I never understood that.”
“Josh—”
“Josh was a jerk. Don’t put him in the same conversation with Alex.”
“Josh made me feel likeless—first my past was shameful, then he held it up for display with that horrid necklace. And I didn’t see it, Ash. You did. You tried to tell me. Even Isabella knew—and she’s twelve! How could Inotdoubt myself? I don’t know the first thing about love or relationships. I didn’t want Alex to make me feel like that.”
“You made yourself feel that way. Josh didn’t do that. And Alex wouldn’t.”
The professor’s words flooded my brain:“Never let something so unworthy define you.”That’s what I did. I believed the lie that Josh could define me. Nice revelation, but not helpful at that moment. I had still screwed up with Alex.
“What do I do now?”
“You’re going to tell him the truth. If he rejects you, then it’s honest and you’re done. You walk away whole. If he doesn’t, then it’s real, and that honesty will begin an amazing relationship. I know it.” She paused and leaned back next to me.
“You can’t spend your life hiding, Sam—not in books, not in work, and not from love. This isn’t you. You’re the most courageous woman I know. Youmustfix this.”
“Do I call him? Write him?”
“Are you kidding me? Sam, you can’t be this clueless!”
“I am.” I sniffled more.
“Do I have to do everything? Get me your computer.”
