“All these years, she let me think you were a deadbeat dad who didn’t even want to have a relationship with me,” Reg whispers brokenly. “I could see you were trying, but if you didn’t give a shit, then why would I? I know how little sense that makes, but I was a kid, and then I was a teenager, and there was nothinggetting through to me then. Even now, I…I know, okay. I’m a shithead.”
“You’re not a shithead,” War says.
Well, fuck. War sounds perfectly convinced of that. I’d tend to disagree, so, yeah…stove-staring it is.
I haven’t even turned the burner on yet, and here I am, stirring butter around a cold pan with a flipper I’d like to turn around and smack Reg with. I’m not hurting for me right now. I’m hurting for a good man who has donenothingwrong.
War has every right to lose his shit right now. I angle to the side just enough that I can see his face. He looks totally destroyed, but it’s clear that he’s not angry. He never gets properly angry. Maybe it’s so many years of learning how to take the punches and rollover. Maybe it’s because he was forced to give up his voice. Or, quite possibly, he knows how futile it is.
All the same, I’m feeling angry for him. I thought my heart knew what pain was before, but hearing this makes me ache so deeply that I can hardly breathe.
I know this is a good thing, in a way. War was so worried about Reg getting hurt or trapped between him and Candice. He never wanted Reg to have a reason to hate him. He did his best to care for Reg and protect him. At least Reg knows the truth now. War never had to say anything, and Reg found out himself what kind of woman was raising him.
“I’m sorry I treated you so badly for all those years,” Reg says, his voice so rough that it comes out like a groan. “And no, I’m not saying that because I want anything from you. I know I’m not your son, and I don’t expect you to keep looking after me. I’ll make my own way.”
“You’re still my son, Reginald,” War says roughly. There’s no masking his emotion. “All I ever wanted was to have a relationship with you. I haven’t changed my mind.”
“But…but I’m not even your DNA,” he stammers.
Ihave toswivel around and peek at him while pretending I’m not. He looks pale, sweaty, and a little like he just got kicked in the nuts. He can’t understand why War would ever make such an offer. All these years, and this is what Reg couldn’t and wouldn’t see.
War slips off the barstool and puts his hand on Reg’s shoulder. “Family doesn’t always have to be blood. I feel like you have a hard time coming up in front of you. If you need someone to talk to, please know that I’m here.”
“But you already paid for my tuition and everything. I want to pay you back. I wish I could do something about all the money you gave my mom, but I could never hope to—”
“I don’t want to be paid back,” War cuts in.
Reg bows his head. “Because of what Candice did, I had the best of everything.”
“I wanted you to be looked after,” War insists. “It was important to me that you went to good schools, had healthy food, and lived in a safe neighborhood.”
“Good god, man, it was more than safe. Have you seen our house? We’ve lived like royalty because my mom did something horrible. I knew she…she wasn’t always kind to people, but I had no idea she was capable of that level of evil. Amalphia…” Hearing my name makes me jump. Either my covert side eye wasn’t so covert, or Reg has finally clued into the fact that the sandwiches sure aren’t getting made very fast. “Turn around. I want to tell you something.”
I thought my heart was knocking before, but now I’m the one sweating. My skin is cool and clammy, and my heart is up somewhere near my throat. Air is such a precious commodity. I’ve wanted this. All I wanted the day Reg dropped the wholeI may have fucked us all by losing a ton of money at cards, and I’m a huge asshole, so now you’re going to have to deal with the fallout as I peace out,bullshit was for him to apologize andmean it. Not that an apology could have fixed it or paid those debts, but it would have meantsomething.
I ball my hands into fists. I’m not ready for the apology to come now.
“I want you to be happy,” Reg says, and it actually sounds like he means it. “If you’re uh…if you’re with my…umm, with Warrick now, that’s okay.” That’s my cue to study my feet. “I was just being a jerk. I was a jerk to you thewhole timewe were together. We were basically like roommates for the past six months, with you worrying over the distance and thinking you were the reason I couldn’t emotionally connect. I let you think that. I put it all on you. I made you be the adult in the relationship while I acted like a dumbass brat. You’re so much smarter than me, and you’re beautiful. You’re a great person, and I made you feelsmall. You deserved so much better than me. I don’t want to be the kind of person my mom is. Even she could be so much more if she just tried…” He stops, pausing so I can say something.
I can’t find the words. I hate that while I’m dying here, floundering, my eyes also fill up with tears.
It means more to me than I thought possible that Reg is finally taking accountability and turning his understanding of what happened into an apology. I’d already moved on. I didn’t need closure. All the same, I feel like I can let go of the last lingering bitterness that I was holding on to.
War clears his throat. “I don’t think it’s too late to change how you see the world or how you treat people. Don’t give up on your mom, Reginald. I want you to promise me that. No matter what she’s done, she’s still your mother. She hurt me, not you. She’s only ever loved you in her own way.”
Reg nods while I’m still doing my best statue impression, though I have to say, War just qualified for sainthood. The worstand best part of that is he means it. It’s right there in his burning, earnest expression.
Reg finally makes a small sound of agreement. “Thanks,” he chokes. “I…I’ll be in touch. I’ll…call you?”
“When you do, I’ll answer,” War replies.
It seems like everything that needs to be said has just been uttered. When War walks Reg to the door, it doesn’t feel like a dismissal. He says goodbye in soft tones and shuts the door.
I didn’t realize War had a mask like most people. His face is always so stoic, but now, he looks different. He doesn’t have to be thehardass, take no prisoners, and toe the line in order to survive and please everyoneman right now. He can just be him. Soft, gentle, and unimaginably good. His heart is pure gold, and I’m so sorry the world hasn’t been able to see it. I’m sorry he hasn’t been able to look at the world the same way either because it’s been cruel to him.
All those years, he suffered because of one person’s greed. I don’t know how it’s possible to just ruin someone like that and not think anything of it.
One thing for certain is that neither of us feels like eating, but I put together two sandwiches and toast them to golden brown perfection anyway.
