She can clearly see that I am indeed here. She grins and pats her stark white hair. “I got highlights. Can you see?” She flashes the tablet up at an alarming rate. It’s like warp speed, but when she lowers it, I do catch sight of the lovely blue and pink streaks.
“Oh my gosh! I love it!” I gush.
“Are you going to come visit soon?”
“I want to. I mean, yes. I’m going to come soon. I’m so sorry that I’ve been busy. It just took a while to settle in, and then Warrick got so sick. I miss you guys.”
“I miss you too, Malphie Ralphie.” Granny frowns. “Is he okay? What kind of sick?”
“The ralphing kind, which oddly, I just realized my nickname resembles.” I shudder. “He’s okay, though. He went back to work today. It was a nasty bug.”
“I hope you don’t get it.”
“I hope so too. Immune system, so far so good.”
“Are you bringing your millionaire man meat with you when you visit?”
“Granny! What?” My tablet falls to the bed, and I hurry to pick it back up, nearly spilling the coconut water. I guess that’s why the carton has a little spout cap on it.
“You heard me.”
“It’s a little more than that.” I raise my thumb in the air. If she’s going to say things like that, she should get the net worth correct. She’s just playing, and I’m playing right along. What else can you do when you have a granny who doesn’t believe in filters?
“Ooh, bring your zany zillionaire zaddy with you then. I’m requesting it. I need to give him the drill about dating my granddaughter.”
I groan. “I’m officially filing this conversation underyou can’t tell her anything.”
“Don’t use air quotes with me. I’ll give you air quotes.”
She mirrors mine directly into the screen.
I sigh, shifting on the bed to set the tablet against the wall so I can uncap the coconut water and sip it. “We’re not dating, Granny. He’s not my man.”
“Pssshaw!” Granny waves her hand right into the camera, making it look six times larger than her head. Also, at light speed. “You can’t tell me that’s not the reason you’re calling. I know you’ve come to your old Gran for advice. I also know you. You’re old-timey about things like this. You like to lose your heart first before you bang.”
“Granny!” It’s official. I called her for this punishment, but now I’m about to stroke out.
“Okay, I’m sorry.”
Irene’s voice cuts in again. I don’t think she’s been sitting there the whole time, andtheremeaning the lounge area or games room and not Granny’s room, but I can hear her in the background now. “Who’s banging who?”
“My granddaughter is banging her millionaire, billionaire, trillionaire, zillionaire boss. He’s her ex’s dad too.”
“Oh, Mylanta!”
Oh, myfuckinglanta is right.
“What’s this world coming to?” Irene wants to know.
“It’s coming to awesomeness, that’s what!” Granny informs her. “I say, good for her. The man is fashionable, kind, and has good taste in cars. He’s also got a solid head on his shoulders and a heaping dose of kindness in his heart. You remember how those mafia thugs almost killed us? He was the one who paid them off. Don’t feel bad for his son. He’s a little brat who needs a spanking in the worst way. Refer to my previous statement on mafia thugs.”
“Oh, Mylanta,” Irene breathes again.
“I don’t think they were mafia,” I protest before Granny can go spinning yarns. The situation was bad enough without her going for dramatic effect. “I think they were just thugs.”
“Mafia thugs,” she insists. “And if that’s what you’re choosing to negate in that entire sentence, then I know I’m correct.”
“That’s the thing. You’re right. It’s why I’m calling.”
