Perhaps when she’d held her mouse cupped in her hands and looked at him as though she trusted him, even when he had given her no reason to. It was then he’d been lost. Not out of desire, but because his defenses could not stand up against such an act of vulnerability.
And yet.
When he imagined saying the words to her, he could not quite do it. His mouth closed, turning into sand. Every part of his body revolted against the idea. Once she knew, she would have power over him.
Everyone he had ever loved had left him.
Lydia, the only other lady he had ever loved, had taken his love and snuffed it out. She had stomped on his heart and returned the bruised and bloody pulp.
Eleanor, he was sure, would not do the same.
All he needed was more time. Just a little more.
On the road leading back to his home, he encountered Lydia herself riding with a maid in tow. At the sight of him, she pulled up her mare.
“Lydia,” he said, startled. “What are you doing so far from home? Surely your mother didn’t allow you to ride out all this way by yourself?”
“I’m not by myself,” she said, gesturing at her maid. “You were not at home.”
“You called with the intention of seeing me?”
“We had some unfinished business at the ball last night.”
His hands tightened on the reins. “No, Lydia. I don’t think we did.”
“You know as well as I do that there is still something between us.” Her lashes lowered, and once, he might have fallen at her feet for a chance to kiss her and make her his. Now, he felt nothing but irritation. “And your wife doesn’t value you the way she ought. When she heard that I was looking for you, she said I was welcome to you.” Her brows rose. “Hardly the words of a wife besotted with her husband, I would say.”
His heart gave a violent clench. “She doesn’t need to love me—that doesn’t change the fact we’re married.”
Lydia pouted. “You are going to hold something I said in my youth and folly over my head now? We could have something beautiful, Sebastian.”
“As tempting as you make the offer seem,” he said dryly, “I’ll have to decline.”
“All for the sake of her?”
“Yes.” He clicked his tongue, urging his horse onward again. “I’m afraid so. Don’t do this again, Lydia. You should know better than to seek me out in this way. People are going to talk, and it is not my reputation that you should worry about.”
A stubborn expression flickered across her lovely face, but before she could protest, he dug his heels in his horse and galloped away. Yet, despite his certainty that he had made the correct choice—he wouldalwayschoose his wife—he could not get the comment she had made to Lydia from his mind.
If he loved her, he did not think he could bear it if she did not love him in return.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Eleanor paced the drawing room, then left for the gardens, which were in full bloom. Summer truly was a wonderful time of year, she reflected, and how cruel the world was that she would not be able to appreciate it properly. A weight pressed on her heart.
She was under no illusions about what Lady Lydia had wanted when she had visited, asking for Sebastian. The boldness of the lady! And her audacity in suggesting, so very delicately, that it was better to know as little as possible of one’s husband’s activities.
Eleanor had not been born a fool. She knew as the sunlight beamed down on her face that men often strayed from their wives in marriage. And perhaps she was an idealistic fool for supposing that Sebastian did not. Had not.Wouldnot.
She had deluded herself into thinking that he would be loyal to her because he’d married her. And once they had finallyconsummated the marriage, she had never had reason to doubt his loyalty.
Now, however, she doubted everything.
No. No, she doubted that he had ever moved past Lady Lydia’s betrayal. And now, with the lady in question pursuing him so thoroughly, she couldn’t be certain that he would deny her.
At the ball, they had danced together.
She paced in the gardens until the tip of her nose felt uncomfortably hot, then came inside to the news that yes, the Duke had returned, and no, he had not come looking for her.
