They ate in companionable silence for a time, savoring the excellence of the dishes.
“Is your cook French?” Gemma asked.
“Alas, no. But Mrs. Granger has an open mind and does not like the idea of anyone preparing food better than she can. When I communicated to her my love of French food, she became determined to do it better than they did.”
After a few minutes more of enjoying the food, rather than conversation, Gemma asked something that she had noticed on her first arrival.
“I have seen a few doors that are clearly blocked off. With furniture positioned in front of them or simply boarded up,” she said. “What is behind that?”
“Rooms that were favored by my father. Frequented by him, I should say. His study. His library. His card room and so on. Of course this entire castle was his but those rooms in particular I cannot but associate with him. And I cannot bear to set foot inside them. Better that they be sealed and forgotten about.”
“But, if you put them to use, would that not help dispel the bad memories associated with them? As it is, you have a number of rooms that you feel reek of him and always will. The rooms will never be rid of the stench. If you’ll pardon the expression.”
“It’s a good expression. If ever there was a word to summarize the old Devil, that is it,” Nathan laughed. “But…the truth is, I have not had the strength to undertake such work. Not for my own sake alone. I cannot undo the memories of those places alone.”
Gemma nodded slowly, thoughtfully. “I think you need another person to help you with that,” she said, honestly. “Someone to help you make the new memories. So that you think of her instead of him.”
She felt that Nathan was looking directly at her as she spoke. She knew by now how accurately he could pinpoint the source of sound, enabling him to turn his face in her direction when she spoke. For a moment she looked at him, gazing into his eyes and wishing, praying for a miracle that would enable him to look back. Then, her words rang in her mind at the realization of what she had just said.
“Not me, of course,” she said, hastily. “Whomever you eventually decide to marry. I imagine anyway. A wife would be the usual kind of person to help you dispel bad memories.”
She felt that she was speaking too fast, desperately trying to avoid the insinuation that she should be the one.
I’m sorry, Nathan. I think that I would dearly love to be. But, I cannot. This dream we are sharing has to come to an end soon. And I cannot drag you into my sordid problems. I will not.
CHAPTEREIGHTEEN
After dinner, Nathan suggested they take the night air on the balcony with their coffee. He had refrained from alcohol throughout the evening and felt all the better for it.
I have leaned on that crutch for far too long.
“Are you feeling quite well, Nathan?” Gemma asked from beside him on the balcony. “It is just that I noticed you refused to take a drink when the servants tried to pour it for you. You did not touch the wine that was provided either.”
“Ah,” Nathan said with no little discomfort. “I had hoped that my abstinence would not be too obvious. It implies that my previous state of being has also been noted.”
He felt the cool night air stirring against his face, bringing with it the scent of blossom from the hawthorn bushes below. The idea that night air was somehow noxious and injurious to the health was never one that he had subscribed to. Many things were noxious to the health, including grapeshot, sword blades, and the pox. But the air after dark was not one of them.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. Sometimes a thought bubbles to the surface of my mind and I speak it before considering the consequences. It earned me a lot of scolding as a little girl,” Gemma replied.
“I do not mind. It is something of which I should speak aloud. I need to be held to account and do not always have the willpower. The truth is that strong drink has been as necessary to me as this cane,” he held up the ever-present walking cane. “Or so I believed. It drowned out unpleasant memories and guilt. Or at least deadened the pain from wounds caused by guilt. But, that is not healthy. I am…trying to make my way without it.”
“I have seen my cousins lose themselves in drink. Particularly Elliot. It just seems to make him angry though. I could not understand why he should wish to be so. And then he would look for someone to take that anger out on…”
Gemma trailed off and Nathan could feel the pain in her words. He placed his coffee cup on the stone balcony that they stood before and put a hand to her shoulder. He received a thrill through his body when he realized that it was bare. He had not asked her to describe what she was wearing and had not touched her. Knowing that the dress left her shoulders bare was an exciting revelation. As he was about to remove his hand, he felt hers atop his, holding it in place.
“It is not pity. But, I do feel sympathy for what you have suffered. I understand the fear and confusion that cruelty causes in the mind of a child. How often I have dreamed of how I would raise my own children differently. To know love and joy. To know they are cared for and protected.”
He felt Gemma smile because she had pressed her cheeks against his fingers, removing her hand from his. He placed his other hand against her cheek, gently stroking her soft skin.
“I think you would make a wonderful father. Nothing like your own,” Gemma said softly.
But I am already like him. I killed him. Not through my action, perhaps, as I did in Spain. But through my inaction. I chose to allow him to die when I could have helped him. How will God judge me for that? As a murderer? Or an innocent?
“That remains to be seen, I suppose. Sometimes, I am not so sure,” Nathan said.
Gemma lifted her cheek from his hand and reached up to touch the side of his face. It was unexpected and sent another thrill of excitement coursing through him. For a moment, the pleasure of her touch was so intense that he could not speak. Could not even think. He found himself closing his eyes, trying to allow the moment to stretch.
“Do you mean because of what you had to do during the war?” Gemma asked.
