“So…what? Do you even want to be with me?”
“Of course I want to be with you!”
Lauren had half expected him to say no, so the conviction in his words was enough of a surprise she couldn’t speak for a moment. He looked just as surprised he’d said it out loud. She rubbed her forehead.
“Just in a naked way, or…”
Caleb frowned. “I’m not an idiot. I’m not blind to the fact that we’ve done lots of non-naked things together, like watching TV and eating frozen yogurt. I’m enjoying our time together. I don’t want to lose you.”
“But you also don’t even want to be in a relationship. You don’t want to tell anyone we’ve been seeing each other. You just want whatever is between us to exist in a little bubble.”
“What do you want me to say?”
Part of Lauren wanted to run screaming. There was no way to win this argument, no way to walk away without getting some part of her heart trod on, no way to mold this into some happily ever after. So she said, “I need you to trust I’m not trying to trick you. I need you to trust that all I want from you is your company. I want to be able to be with you in public and not feel like a dirty secret. I just want us to be able to figure out what we could be instead of fearing the future.”
Caleb stared into the distance for a long moment, his lips pursed. He never looked more handsome than when he was thinking hard about something, and the fact that she’d caught him this morning just out of bed, with his usually neat hair a mess and sticking up on one side, in only old sweats and a threadbare robe, made her feel like she was seeing the real him and not the Caleb he presented to the world. And because she sometimes got glimpses ofthatman, the man she got to be with sometimes, she thought she had him figured out.
Maybe he’d agree to at least give them a shot.
But what he said was, “I don’t feel ready.”
This was probably the moment when Lauren should have shut it all down. He was never going to agree to be in any kind of non-secret relationship with her. He was holding onto his divorce and his fear and he wasn’t ready to move on yet.
But what Lauren said was, “If you don’t feel ready soon, there’s only so long this can go on.”
“I know. I’ve always known that.”
“So what do we do?”
Caleb took a deep breath, his chest expanding and contracting. He said, “We’re together. Or we’re not.”
“Yes, but what does that mean?”
Caleb shrugged, which annoyed Lauren so much she almost yelled at him, but she bit her tongue.
He said, “It means that, for right now, we finish lunch. Maybe we come up with something to do this afternoon to make the most of us both having today off. Maybe we go see a movie or take a walk, I don’t know. I’ve got enough stuff in my kitchen to make us dinner tonight, probably some kind of pasta thing. If the mood is right, we have sex and you spend the night, or we don’t and you spend the night, or we do and you go home, or whatever it is you want to do tonight. And if at any time this doesn’t feel good or doesn’t feel right, that’s it, we both walk away.”
“That’s it?” Lauren found it extremely dissatisfying that he was being so casual about this. Did he not feel what she felt? Did he not feel his heart squeeze when she was nearby? Did he not feel his pulse race when she stood near him? Did he not feel giddy when he thought of her, did he not warm when he first saw her walk into a room, did he not think about what they were like in bed together when he was alone?
“That’s all I can give you right now,” said Caleb.
She should have left. What he was offering was not enough, not after everything she’d felt with him, everything they’d done together. But she said, “Then let’s make the most of it.”
Chapter 22
When cats came to the Cat Café without names, which sometimes happened when they were rescues, the staff picked a theme and chose names based on it. Monique had suggested names from antiquity, so the new group of cats had been named Caesar, Ramses, Boudicca, Antony, and Cleopatra. The last two were inseparable and often slept curled together on one of the sofas, so Lauren thought the names were apt. She’d taken to calling them Tony and Cleo and hoped to find a forever home that would take them both.
She was sitting on the sofa beside Tony and Cleo with her laptop balanced on her thighs, updating the Cat Café’s website, when Caleb walked into the cat area. Paige also sat nearby, finishing some paperwork, and Evan was in a corner, working. There were a smattering of customers at the café tables, chatting, so it wasn’t quiet, but it was pleasant, and Lauren was enjoying the afternoon in her domain.
Caleb carried a sack of cat food. “Courtesy of the clinic,” he said, shifting it in his arms.
“All right. Come on back.”
Lauren put her laptop aside and escorted Caleb to the storage room. After directing him where to put the food, they stood there smiling at each other for a moment.
“How are you?” Lauren asked.
“All right. Wondering again why these huge sacks of food can’t be delivered to you directly.”
