Jackson’s pause was unnerving. Park wished he could see his face. He said, “Well, I’ll come by tomorrow so we can watch the press conference together and tie up some loose ends. Then I’ll go with you back to your place on Monday, if you like. After that, I don’t know.”
“I want to keepseeing you.”
“Park, I—”
Park took a leap. “Hear me out. I still have feelings for you. I know you do for me as well. In an ideal world, we’d explore those feelings. I know this world is less than ideal, but I really want you back in my life, even if it’s just as my friend.”
“Who occasionally sleeps with you.” Jackson’s tone was flat, maybe even a little annoyed.
“Well, sure.” Thatwasn’t really what Park wanted, though. “I want you back, Jack. All the way. Together the way we used to be. I think anything less than that would be frustrating, if I’m honest. But if your friendship is all I can have, then I want it. Leaving you was one of the greatest mistakes I ever made, and I don’t intend to repeat it.”
“That’s a nice speech, but it ignores reality.”
“If I came outtomorrow, would you take me back?”
“It’s not that simple,” Jackson said. “Come on, Park, you know it’s not easy.”
“I know. I can’t get this idea out of my head, though.”
“Nothing has changed. This ends, and you resume your Senate campaign. Would you seriously sacrifice your career that way?”
“For you? I might.”
Jackson grunted. “I want to believe you, but I think we’re toowound up emotionally to be thinking straight.” After a long pause, Jackson added, “Part of me wishes I could be there with you right now. When you just asked if I’d take you back if you came out, that same part of me said, ‘Hell, yeah.’ I’ve missed you so much all these years, and being with you again has been...really great. Makes me realize how much I missed you. But we don’t live in any kind ofideal world. And I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that, once upon a time, you chose your career over us, and unless something significant changes, you probably will for a while, and I just can’t put myself through that again.”
Park’s heart soared, though he’d heard what Jackson had said. Part of Jackson was willing, which gave Park some hope, but it wasn’t fair to try to convinceJackson of anything until he knew what he himself wanted. Because maybe it was time to choose love over career. Park wanted to be a senator more than he wanted any other job, and he knew he’d be great at it. He felt sometimes like politics was what he was put on earth to do. But at the end of the day, being a senator was a job, and there’d be other jobs in the future. There would never be anotherJackson Kane.
“Maybe we should put off discussing our future until after the case gets resolved,” Jackson said.
“I’m okay with that.” That would give Park some time to decide what to do, if he wanted to open the window or shut it for good. He leaned toward throwing it open with abandon, but he knew that wasn’t an entirely rational thought. Coming out publicly still felt an awful lot likethrowing away years of work.
Park smothered a groan. He was still all over the place with his thinking, not ready yet to make a decision. He wanted two things with nearly equal fervor, but choosing one essentially meant sacrificing the other, no matter which he chose. So it came down to which he wanted more, something that seemed to change each minute.
“I’ll be thinking about you tonight,”Park said.
“Yeah. Me, too.”
