“We never lied.”
“What are you talking about?” Jackson had beenright, Park lied all the time. He woke up in the morning and lied about who he wanted to be with every damn day. Although, up until they’d ended their relationship, he’d never lied to Jackson. Jackson had always been the one person he could be himself with.
“I’ve been very careful about every statement you release, every public appearance. We’ve been molding you as this bachelor politician,but we never once said you weren’t gay. We just never said you were.”
“I don’t see the distinction.”
“I left a crack in the window for you, Park. I have been very careful to never let you deny that you’re gay. And you never have. You just...let everyone think otherwise. I did that in case the day ever arrived when staying in the closet became too much for you, so you wouldn’t be brandedas a liar.” She reached over and put her hand on Park’s knee. Her face softened and she smiled. “I did it for moments like this, because I can see now that being around Jackson again is killing you. I know you want to be with him, and I know you think it’s impossible, but what if it wasn’t?”
“Right.” Why was Martha telling him this now? It felt like opening the door and then slamming it inhis face again because it wasn’t like this could really happen. “And what if I came out and lost the election?”
“That’s a possibility, but it’s worth thinking about, isn’t it?”
“I don’t know, Martha.” Park rubbed his face. He hated to think that a different choice in his past would have saved him from some of his current misery. He wondered sometimes if some alternate universe existedwhere all this had played out differently and he and Jackson were happily ensconced in a gorgeous penthouse apartment, deliriously happy and in love forever. “When I got into politics—”
“You got into politics five years ago. Before same-sex marriage was legal in this country. It was just barely legal in this state.” Her tone was clipped, maybe a little frustrated. “When you got into politics,a majority of Americans still opposed giving you basic civil rights. Now the majority of the country supports it. There are openly gay people in the military, on TV, in the movies, in sports, even in politics. It’s a whole different world out there.” Martha leaned back a little and glanced at her laptop screen. “If you wanted to, and of course only if you wanted to, we could go public with thetruth. And, hey, you could be a real pioneer. There’s only one openly gay member of the Senate right now. You could join her. Be an inspiration for other LGBT people looking into politics.”
Part of Park wanted to come out, especially if it gave him a real chance with Jackson, but a little sexual activity in the heat of the moment was hardly definitive proof that Jackson would take him backor even that Jackson had forgiven Park. Jackson wanted boundaries, professional distance. The events of tonight were...just something that had happened. And besides, Park had no interest in blazing any trails. He wanted to keep his private life private. Still, he said, “Maybe, but not now. Not with the current scandal. Can you even imagine? ‘Hi, I’m implicated in a murder, but I swear I didn’t killthe girl because I’m gay.’ No. I can’t do that.”
“You’re right, the timing’s not good. I’m just saying, if at some point in the future, you wanted to let this particular cat out of the bag, I think you could do it without it destroying your political career. And who knows? Maybe a gay Republican running for national office might be enough of a novelty that it’ll get you the kind of positivepress attention that will push you over the line.”
Park couldn’t help but frown at that. “That’s the other thing. It seems sleazy to use my sexuality for political gain.”
Martha laughed.
“What’s so funny?”
“That you still have reservations about things like this reassures me I haven’t lost you to the political machine. You’re still human.”
Park laughed mirthlessly, fatiguefinally kicking in. “Jack said something like that, too.”
“Think about it, is all I’m saying. Maybe not this election cycle, but if we win...”
“Why does it even matter?”
“It wouldn’t affect how you do your job. And you shouldn’t care about what anyone thinks. But honestly? Setting politics aside? We’re friends, Park. I want you to be happy. And I know you can’t be while you still keepyourself closeted.”
Park leaned back and rested his head on the top of the sofa. Martha was right, but he hated that it had gotten this far, that it felt too late to make things right. Still, he told her the truth. “He was always the one for me. I knew, first time I ever saw him, that he was it. There’d never be another man like him. He was my best friend and my partner in everything. AndI left him. How could I have done that?”
“You thought it was the right thing to do.”
The reminder wasn’t much comfort. “All right. Well, is there anything more we need to do tonight? Because I’m exhausted.”
“Really good sex will do that to you.”
“Shut up.” But Park laughed, really laughed, for the first time in a long time, trying to hold on to some measure of joy, because he knewhe’d have to face everything else in the morning.
