And that took Jackson off-guard, too. Park’s tone held so much longing. Jackson had to look away to keep this from veering into a place they couldn’t return from.
“Imissed this so much.” Park scooted closer. He was close enough to touch, but Jackson didn’t dare. “Just chatting with you. It was always easy with us. I never stopped missing you. So you know.”
It felt like Park had reached into Jackson’s chest and squeezed his heart. Park’s face was open in a way it hadn’t been the last couple of days; he was being honest here, merely stating his feelings,not trying to control the situation. If only he was being more obviously manipulative, Jackson could shrug this off. “Why do you say things like that?”
“Because they’re true.”
Jackson looked at the ceiling for lack of anywhere else to look. He reminded himself that Park chose to leave. Jackson vowed not to let Park charm his way back in. “Boundaries.”
“I’m not asking for anything fromyou besides legal advice. I’m just stating a fact.”
“I shouldn’t have come here tonight. I said we shouldn’t meet in bedrooms, and I should have committed to that. No good can come from our rehashing the past.”
“I know you’re worried about professional ethics—”
“I could get disbarred, Park.”
“Then why did you come here?”
Jackson closed his eyes, overwhelmed. Probably becausehe’d missed Park almost every day since Park had left him, too, and now that Park was back, he couldn’t stay away. Because after eight years together, it was hard to be without Park. Jackson had moved on, and he’d finally gotten to a point in his life when he didn’t feel that ache anymore, but Park stepping back into his life had cut that wound back open again. He had to find a way to heal it. Heneeded for his heart to feel the way it had a week ago. Or a decade ago.
“You’re the one who left.” Jackson’s voice came out sounding choked.
“You know why.”
Jackson wanted to run from the room. “I know, but nothing can happen, and I can’t let you—”
“Because I need you to know that it was never you, Jack. I didn’t leave because of who you are or anything you did. We were havingproblems, but a lot of that was on me because I distanced myself. I know I... I broke your heart. It broke my heart to leave. I was selfish, I see that even bringing this up now is kind of selfish, but I...” Park flexed his fingers and leaned away a little.
“Park. Come on.” Jackson needed this conversation to get back to the law. He couldn’t handle Park getting emotional like this, admittinghis own wrongdoing. Jackson needed Park to continue to be the asshole, because Jackson felt his own convictions crumbling.
“I say all this because you were once my best friend. You were the person I came to with all of my problems. When I hit a thorny issue, I wish you were around for me to bounce ideas off. I wish you were around to talk me out of my more stupid impulses.”
“Like runningfor Senate?”
“Well.” Park laughed softly. “I missed the sex, too, but I think sometimes I missed just having you around more than anything else. And I know I’m the one who walked out, and you must hate me, but—”
Jackson knew he should, but... “I don’t hate you.”
“It would be hard to blame you. I’d hate me.”
“How could I hate you?” Jackson swallowed, trying to keep his emotionsfrom getting the best of him. Hearing all this from Park twisted him up. “You were my best friend, too. You were once the most important person in my life. That doesn’t ever entirely go away.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
Jackson took a deep breath. “Being in the same room with you now is at once really great and also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”
“I know. It’s hard to sit here andnot touch you.”
Jackson nodded. Even after all the time that had passed, so much of being around Park felt like habit. Park still had the same speech quirks, the same gestures, the same warmth in his eyes. “I thought you’d be different now. I’ve been following your Senate campaign since you announced, and I guess I told myself you’d become a robot or something, that you couldn’t possibly bethe same man you were when I knew you, but that’s not the case.” And that was a real issue, because the only way to maintain any distance was for Park to be a robot. Otherwise, he was too much like home. That anchor that had been missing from Jackson’s life for too long. They’d always grounded each other, whether it was Jackson keeping Park from flying too high into fancy or Park helping Jacksonhang on to his sanity when his job threatened to take it away.
“If I have changed, I’m not sure it’s for the better.”
“But you’re not a robot.”
“No. I wish I were sometimes, because it wouldn’t be such torture to sit here with you now.”
Jackson didn’t think. He wasn’t even conscious of his actions. Because he agreed that sitting so close to Park without touching him was the sweetesttorture. He’d been drawn to Park from the first time they’d made eye contact across a crowded room, and he was drawn to Park now, sitting there on the bed with his shirt unbuttoned to his sternum. For a moment, Jackson could only see the fine blond hairs on the bit of Park’s exposed skin. He wheeled the desk chair closer. Then he reached over and touched Park’s face.
