My knees almost give out.
“But you’re not in danger if you’re up here with me. Never. I can hold us both, you and me, and I can catch us both if we fall,” he whispers, and he’s so close to me I can feel his warm breath in the cool night air. Unfortunately, I have no idea if what he’s telling me is the truth. Maybe he just wants to calm me down.
On a stupid impulse, I look at the ground. It fades into the darkness and looks endlessly far away.
“Look at me,” River says softly, clutching the knot. “Only me. And if possible, don’t move.”
Oh my God!
I do what he says. My gaze slides from his mouth with its teasing, self-confident curve, over his straight nose to his glittering eyes.
Suddenly, all I see is them. They’re so clear, it hurts to look, and for a few breaths, it’s as if I see the infinite depths of the sky with a hundred cranes flying at night.
“Good,” he murmurs. “That’s good.” He’s so close I can’t breathe. He’s so close, I’m about to jump. He looks at me, but his hands are doing something with the rope. Okay, maybe he can fold origami blindfolded.
“Breathe into your stomach.” River doesn’t break eye contact.
I can’t stop shaking. Maybe it’s the cold air or River, and not the fact that I’m up here completely unsecured.
He continues to look me straight in the eyes. “Now we’ll do something to make you forget the height. But you have to stand very still.” He leans down close to me. Moonlight bathes him in unreal light.
Oh my God!He has that look.One thousand-one, one thousand-two, one thousand-three.
“Just because of the height, okay, so you’re not afraid anymore.” He’s so close I feel the vibration of his voice.
I stiffen, my whole body shakes, and the line hums under my feet like a track under the wheels of a train.
“Don’t worry, Tucks,” he whispers gently. “Not of that. Never that. Understand?”
I nod. And then he kisses me. I feel his lips on mine, which are pressed together tightly. I cannot breathe. He smells of tobacco, Jack Daniel’s, and River McFarley—smoky, warm, and bitter. Comforting. Protective.
Just let go!
I open my mouth carefully, but I’m stiff as a board. I feel his tongue pushing into my mouth. Soft and gentle. It bumps into mine, which lies unused, like a forgotten object.You kiss like a dead fish!I’m dying, dying of shame.
River backs away and pulls my head up so I have to look at him. I would love to throw myself off the line. I want to turn my head away, but he holds me tight.
“You’re now secured. But we still shouldn’t make sudden moves. Do you want to try again, or is this okay in the meantime?”
I feel like crying when he ignores my ineptitude like he always does. Because he never insults or abuses me and is so incredibly, incredibly understanding.
He runs his index finger from my temple to my chin, and I don’t remember a touch that’s ever felt more beautiful.
“I think you’re still scared. How will it be when you’re on the highline?” He chuckles softly, dark and wonderfully smoky, and winks at me. Apparently, he doesn’t care if I can kiss or not, just like he doesn’t care if I speak.He’s obsessed with the bizarre.
Without taking his eyes off me, he leans down to me again. My legs are so shaky I wonder how I manage to stay upright. His lips hover over mine without touching them, and again, I feel like I’m dying—from fear. Because of the gentleness of the touch and the dangerous longing.
He puts his arms around me, making the line vibrate slightly. He pauses patiently, waiting until it calms down again.
“You can’t do anything wrong. It’ll happen by itself if you let it,” he murmurs and then kisses me, properly. He kisses me in the moonlight.
And this time, my body and everything inside me react on their own. My head still tells me what I can’t do right, and I push Chester out of my thoughts. I kiss River. I taste him, his warm, rough taste of whiskey and herbs, and in the silence of my world, a deep melody paints itself. Kissing is like talking, only without the need for words. Like laughing and crying, all in one room in the middle of my soul.
Shivers scurry down my back, into my stomach, and everywhere. Nothing in my life has ever felt like this, ever. I don’t need words for this. Not a single one.
River backs away too quickly. “So, is it getting better?” he whispers hoarsely. I feel his breath on my face and nod. He is so close to me. Longing beats in my heart. I want him to kiss me again—right here, where I don’t have to be afraid of anything more happening.
And as if he sensed it, he kisses me again, and I sink and float at the same time. His arms wrap tighter around me, and the kiss deepens, filling me with feelings I can’t place. Maybe that’s everything River is. Stormy and calm. Depth. Height. Free fall. Risk. Caution. Bliss and melancholy. Fifty states. “Baby”and his smoky “Hey.”
