I close up the café and stride over the green towards Archie and Cally’s cottage. I knock and go in as soon as Cally shouts a greeting. Meg and Lilly run over to me, ginger plaits bouncing,and I scoop them in for a hug. Lilly is almost as tall as me now, and she’s only nine. She’s going to be an amazon in a few years’ time.
“Is Archie around?” I ask, once the girls have lost interest in me. “I need to blow off some steam.”
“I’m around,” he says, walking in from the kitchen bearing a packet of biscuits. “What kind of steam do you need to blow off? Long walk on the beach, six pints and a whinge, or something more aggressive?”
I can see that both Archie and Cally are looking at me with concern, and remember what Ella said about them all being worried about me. Zack hasn’t just upset me, he’s upset the people I love as well, damn him.
“More aggressive, definitely. I feel like punching something but I know I’d probably just hurt my own hands.”
He ponders for a minute, then replies: “Okay. Log chopping it is. Follow me.”
I do as I’m told, and half an hour later I’m exhausted, panting, and sweating. Archie had taken me out to the huge garden at the back of the cottage, given me an axe, and let me go at it. I discovered that I’m not very good at chopping logs – it’s a lot trickier than it looks – but it serves its purpose. It was indeed very cathartic to swing an axe at innocent chunks of wood, plus Archie now has a full load of admittedly randomly shaped logs to use on the burner.
He pops his head around the kitchen door and makes the universal gesture for ‘would you like a cuppa?’ When it comes, I soon discover that it’s not just a cuppa, it’s a cuppa with a glug of brandy in it.
“You looked like you needed it,” he says, sitting beside me on the bench and surveying my log kingdom. “Didn’t want to offer until you’d finished chopping though. Never good to be drunk in charge of an axe. Feel better?”
“Yes. Thank you, for both. It really helped to use up some energy, you know?”
“I do. I’m a fan myself. Anything I can help with? Anything you want to talk about? If it’s any use to you, Cally says she’ll happily use the axe on a real person if they’ve hurt you.”
I laugh and pat his hand. “I have no doubt she would! I’m okay. Just working some stuff out. I’m going to go home and bake now. That always helps.”
“Excellent. I look forward to the end result.”
I head back to my place, and before I can sit down and start feeling sad or angry again, I immediately get out my supplies and start to whip up an apple and rhubarb crumble. I love making a crumble. There’s something very relaxing about using your fingers to rub together the butter and flour and in this case chopped almonds. I know it’s quicker in the whizzer, but this is very much a hands-on exercise for me.
As I work, I turn over the conversation I had with Zack earlier. The way he spoke. The way he hung up on me before we’d even really been able to communicate. The way he shut me down, closed me out, disregarded me. That cryptic comment about how I don’t want anything to do with him, which was arrogant as well as confusing. The distance in his voice, as though we’d never even been friends.
I don’t deserve that. I really don’t. And more to the point, I’m not going to accept it.
SIXTEEN
The very next day, I find myself back in London. Specifically, in fact, I find myself in Wimbledon. This time I came on the train, because I had the sneaking suspicion that whatever happens next, I might not be in a fit state to drive. I could be too emotional, or too distracted, or possibly so drunk I forget my own name. The journey to London took just over two and a half hours, and then onwards via the Tube.
I arrived here a little while ago, but called in to a coffee shop on the high street first. I needed a few moments to get my head together, and to give myself a final chance to chicken out. Part of me really, really wants to chicken out – to go running back home with my tail between my legs, and forget all about Zack Harris and the chaos he has brought into my formerly calm life.
I know, though, that if I do I won’t like myself very much. I waited for a call back last night, but it never came. I consoled myself with a rather fine crumble, but it didn’t take the pain away. I’m deeply unhappy with how things have gone, and I need to make those feelings understood. Face to face. Even if it’s just a totally cringeworthy encounter where Zack looks horrified to see me and threatens to take out a restraining order, I need to do it. If I don’t, then I’ll struggle to move on.
I’m also aware that Marcy and Sophie are now BFFs, as the kids say, and there will probably be occasions in the future where Zack and I are in the same room. I really don’t want to ruin my daughter’s graduation ceremony by yelling at her pal’s dad. We are adults, and we need to clear the air.
I’ve found out sneakily from Marcy that he’s working from home, and plan to simply knock on his door and say ‘hi’. I’ll take it from there and see where we end up – my usual carefully crafted and perfectly sensible plan.
I pay the bill, leave a generous tip, and head purposefully down the road to Zack’s place before I change my mind.
I don’t see his car in the driveway, but there is a garage to the side so I don’t read too much into it. I stride up the steps to the handsome front door, and ring the bell. There is no answer other than Bear’s barking, and I gaze around in case it’s one of those video bells with a little camera attached – maybe he’s in there looking at the security feed, hiding from me under the kitchen table.
I give a sharp bang with the brass knocker, but there is still nothing but Bear woofing away.
“Sorry, boy!” I shout, and his bark at least subsides into a whine. Poor Bear – so near to a human he knows might have treats, and yet so far.
I’m not quite sure what to do now, and feel a bit deflated. I arrived here after a righteous march, pumped up on my own determination. I’d imagined many scenarios – him being furious, him sweeping me into his arms and kissing me, him telling me pityingly that it had all been a mistake and he’d quite like to never see me again. Somehow, though, I’d never quite imagined this far more mundane scenario – that he simply wouldn’t be at home.
I take a sneaky glance through the front windows, still half suspecting that he might be in there somewhere, and then makean annoyedhmmmphnoise and plonk my backside down on the front steps.
It’s a pleasant afternoon, with a pale blue sky and enough sunshine to build up a bit of warmth on your skin when you face the right direction. The birds are singing in the trees that surround the house, and I spot an early bee buzzing around a pot of beautiful blue hyacinths. I will sit here a while, I think, and see what happens. I’ve sat in far worse places, and I have come a very long way after all.
I get out my phone, and make the most of the fantastic signal to browse random websites and send silly messages to all three of the kids. I’m content enough plugging my brain into the matrix for a while, and sit quite happily. Every now and then Bear gives me a little woof just to remind me that he’s still there.
