“Charlie seems to be managing it,” I reply, nodding toward him.
“Well, Charlie is eighteen and talking to two pretty girls at a theme park. That’s the definition of paradise in most young lads’ minds. You’re in a slightly different position. If you want to go back to the hotel and have a bit of time on your own, just sayso—I can hang with Charlie. You could go to the spa or watch TV or have a bath, whatever you like.”
I briefly think about it, but I know I wouldn’t be able to relax. I know I’d just start thinking about the insurance and how unfair it is after I’ve paid them for all these years, even when I could barely afford it. Then I’d think about all the things I can’t replace, and how the money wouldn’t help with that anyway. Then I’d think about Charlie’s leavers’ assembly and how that would have been a definite date in the diary not so long ago. And then, and then, and then... It would be an endless spiral to nowhere good at all. I know myself well enough to be able to predict it, and it annoys me—how is it that we can see what we’re doing wrong, and understand why we’re doing it, but somehow can’t quite break the pattern?
“Thank you,” I say, smiling and trying to put some oomph into it, “but I actually can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be than right here with you two.”
“Okay then. That’s settled. Are you ready for the crazy adrenaline spike that is this very tame rollercoaster?”
“I was born ready!” I say, shaking my fist.
I actually do kind of enjoy it—it is fast enough for the breeze to cool me down, but not so fast that I fear I will revisit my sandwiches.
When we get off on the other side, Charlie and Luke are planning to head to something called Nemesis.
“Nemesis?” I say. “What a charming name!”
“It’s not one for you, Mum,” Charlie answers, shaking his head. “You sit in a carriage that dangles down, and it goes at, like, fifty miles an hour, and it does a corkscrew, and... well, even I think it looks a bit scary!”
I stare at the toddlers getting off the little ride we’ve just done. I look at the picture of Nemesis on Charlie’s phone. I feel thechurning anxiety that is starting to burn inside my stomach, the knots that are retying, the fear I am fighting that has absolutely nothing to do with theme park rides and everything to do with the rest of my life. With the cottage, with the losses, with the conversation I had with Luke last night.
I can’t change any of that. I can’t fix past mistakes, or wish my house would fly back onto land like a video rewinding, or control many of the things I know I am likely to start worrying about now the process has started. But I can change this—I can change this one thing, right now, at this exact moment.
“I want to go on Nemesis,” I say loudly—loud enough to convince myself. “Take me to Nemesis!”
“Mum, are you sure?” asks Charlie, looking slightly worried about me. I don’t blame him. I’m worried about me too.
Luke grabs hold of my hand and waves it in the air, like I am Rocky and I have just defeated Apollo Creed. “Yes, she’s sure! She’s a champ! Come on, let’s run—it’s always more fun when you run...”
I am swept along with the two of them, falling quickly behind because they are both over six foot and I am very much not. They wait for me, and we go to the queue and we show our fast-track passes and before very much time has elapsed at all, I find myself sitting in what feels like a very flimsy piece of metal, trapped under an overhead restraint, being flung around at a squillion miles an hour. I am sitting between Charlie and Luke, and my hands are in my lap, fists clenched. My heart is pounding, and as the carriage starts to clang and bang and chug up a steep metal track, I know I have made a terrible mistake. It is too high. It is too loud. It is too dangerous. My breath starts to speed up, coming in short panting gusts, and my eyes feel wrong—I am blinking rapidly, trying to clear the fuzzy bright light on the periphery of my vision.
Our carriage pauses at the very top of the hill, and I am petrified. I think I might actually pass out and can’t believe I allowed myself to get carried away like this. I’ve gone from I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar to I Am Woman, Hear Me Cry Like a Baby within minutes. “It’s okay!” Luke says, leaning over so he is right next to my ear. “It’s all right—we’ve got you!”
He unclenches my fist and twines his fingers into mine, and on the other side of me, Charlie does the same. They both grip hold of me tightly, not letting go. I look from one face to the other, see their concern, their encouragement, their reassuring smiles. I stare straight ahead and tell myself it is all going to be fine, that I am not alone, that I can do this. And then we drop.
It only takes a few minutes, but by the end, I am a wobbling wreck of a human. My legs are jelly, and Luke has to help me out of my seat, keeping an arm around my shoulders as we walk away. Charlie is buzzing around us like an inebriated fly, jumping and laughing and saying, “I don’t believe you did it! You rock, Mum!” That makes me feel a bit better, a bit prouder, a bit stronger—but it doesn’t negate the nausea, and I am grateful to move along, to get away from the evil thing of steel and speed. We follow the crowds through to a place where there are photos up on screens, and we find ours—it is hilarious. I have my eyes clamped shut and my mouth is a huge screamingO, my hair flying behind me. At my sides, Charlie and Luke are still holding my hands, looking a lot less terrified but still pretty crazy. Luke puts our order in and we wait while they are loaded into a bag for us. I realize that these are the first “proper” photos—not on-my-phone photos—that I have amassed since I lost a lot of my old ones.
“So,” says Charlie as we make our way back outside, “what’s next, Mum? The Wicker Man? Oblivion?”
“Well, son, they both sound perfectly delightful—but no thanks. I did it, and I’m pleased I did, but that wasn’t something I want to repeat in a hurry. I’m going to find some grass and become horizontal for a while. Run free, little man, run free...”
He looks disappointed for a split second, then his phone beeps, and he suddenly doesn’t care anymore. “Would it be okay with you guys if I went off on my own for a bit?” he asks, grinning. “Tasha and Lily have asked if I want to go on some rides with them...”
“Tasha and Lily?” I repeat, momentarily confused. “Oh! The girls from earlier... Yes, that’s fine. I don’t mind. Luke might want to come with you, though.”
I know, of course, that Luke will not want to go on a double date with my son and two teenagers—or at least I hope he won’t. It just amuses me to make Charlie think it for a moment.
“Nah, off you go, Charlie,” Luke replies. “I’m feeling like a lie-down myself.”
We make arrangements to meet him back at the hotel for dinner and find a shady spot by the side of a lake. It is nearing closing time, and the park is emptying out. Slow, tired lines of people are straggling toward the exits and the parking lots; too much fun had by all.
I stretch out on the grass, thrilled by the simple touch of the ground against my body. The ordinary joy of being flat and still and stable. Luke joins me, and we are both quiet, listening to the random sounds of music from rides and passing chatter and the birds on the water.
“So. Do you feel better after that?” he asks eventually. “Felt like a bit of a watershed moment.”
“Yeah. I literally faced down my Nemesis. I don’t know... I was starting to feel the stress creep back in. There’s a disputeabout the insurance payment, predictably enough, and while that isn’t actually a disaster, it was just... dragging me back into the whirlpool, you know?”
“I do. And if you need any help challenging them, let me know. My brother’s a lawyer; he’ll always write a letter that sounds like he’s about to smite them with Thor’s hammer.”
