‘I’m not good at being in love.’ Hugh’s voice sounds thicker than it did a moment before. I wait for him to continue. ‘I’m not good at saying it,’ he says finally, ‘I can act on it, but I can’t tell someone. It’s hard for me. I feel so . . . naked. The only person I told was Sophia, my ex and that —’ He cuts himself off.
We both listen to the sound of the waves slapping the side of the boat. Everyone else has long since gone to bed. It feels like we are the only two people left in the world.
‘I’m not good at it either,’ I admit finally. Something about the stars, or the reassurance of the thump of the waves, or the smell of Hugh’s body wash, or maybe just being in the middle of a huge ocean, miles from home, masquerading as someone else, makes me feel like being completely honest. ‘In fact, I’m terrible at it,’ I say in a small voice.
‘What makes you say that?’
‘It’s just . . . I think I let things with my ex drag on for too long.’ I shift some weight from one shoulder to the other. ‘It ended up that everybody got hurt.’ We’re both on our backs, gazing at the stars. I hardly listened when Aaron pointed out the constellations earlier, and now I wish I had, just to have anything else to talk about.
‘What happened?’ Hugh asks, interrupting my thoughts.
‘I don’t know . . . well . . . I do know . . .’ Hugh waits for me to continue. ‘He proposed,’ I confess. ‘And I knew right then and there it wasn’t what I wanted. And I said no.’
‘Woah.’
‘Yeah, it was terrible. I felt awful. It was my fault, I was the one who changed, I was the one who all of a sudden wanted something different . . .’
‘He got down on one knee and you said no?’ Hugh asks, his voice raw with disbelief.
‘Yeah,’ I whisper. ‘We were at an Italian restaurant. He had planned a big party with our friends the next day. We had to cancel it.’
‘That’s terrible,’ he breathes. ‘Had you talked about it before? Did you know it was coming?’
I shake my head. ‘No, I thought we still had time . . . but apparently he had been planning it for ages. Our friends . . . his friends, were so excited for us. Everyone was so disappointed with my answer, it felt like I lost a lot more than him.’
‘Millie, I’m so sorry.’
‘Thanks, it sucked. It felt like no one understood. My parents were disappointed. Our friends thought Zach needed more support, after all, he was the one who got rejected, so no one really checked in on me. It was the wake-up call I needed, I think, but it was really bad.’
‘It sounds like it was terrible.’
‘There are some silver linings, I guess . . . I’m here, that’s one.’
‘And you’re not the only one who’s glad you’re here.’
‘Yeah. It didn’t feel like a good thing when I broke up with him, but it’s starting to feel better each day.’
‘Sometimes it takes time.’ Hugh pauses like he’s about to say something, so I stay silent and wait. The boat creaks back and forth. ‘Sophia and I were really serious. I thought we were going to get married. My mom and my brother loved her. I was going to propose. And then she fell in love with her Italian tutor and told me she was moving to Italy.’
‘What!’ I exclaim. ‘That’s crazy . . . Hugh, I’m so sorry.’
Out of nowhere, Hugh starts laughing. ‘It’s ridiculous, actually. I felt like I was in a movie. It’s taken me a good year, but now I can at least laugh about it.’
I start laughing too, more out of relief than anything else, glad he seems to have come to terms with what happened to him.
‘Her Italian tutor,’ he says, between laughs, ‘how cliché!’
‘How cliché,’ I agree.
‘I’m worried,’ he said at last once our giggles had died down. ‘I’m worried that I’ll never find the one. I thought it was her, but I was so wrong. I don’t know how I’ll trust my judgement again. Now I feel like I’ll have to start dating and everyone I date will remind me that my last relationship, no matter how it ended, was the best I’ll ever have. Like that was all the happiness I’ll ever deserve.’
‘I don’t think that’s true.’ I shift to face him. ‘But I feel the exact same way.’ It was the first time I had ever heard someone describe my own fears so articulately. ‘Like the universe gave me something good and just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean I’m entitled to anything better.’
‘Exactly. And even if I get past that, I don’t know how I’ll trust people again.’
‘You can trust me,’ I say, before thinking about the statement I just made. If I want Hugh to trust me, I need to tell him the truth tonight. It might already be too late. I need to tell him the truth now.
Lying on our sides, Hugh and I stare at each other. Tenderly, he caresses my cheek with his thumb.
