He nods in my direction, eyes not meeting mine. “Morning.” And with that, he’s gone. The door slams shut behind him.
I’m good with that. The fewer words exchanged, the better. Maybe he’s decided to let my mother handle this. He usually does. He never backs me up though, never stands up for me against her crazy. He’s just as complicit as her. His silence is a choice, and a loud one at that.
I grab a snack and a k-cup, fill up a thermos of coffee, and head for school. The scent is bitter and familiar, grounding me in routine. I woke up late, so I won’t get time alone with Theo this morning. I’m too drained from a weekend filled with emotional highs and lows and snoozed my alarm one too many times.
As long as I get to see him, though, I’ll be okay. Just a smile from him is enough to brighten my day.
There are already students seated at their desks when I arrive, Sal included, so I take my seat. I give Sal a quick smile and a soft “good morning,” which she returns without looking up, her face buried in her phone, a scowl plastered there like it’s been frozen in place.
My gaze finds him across the room, his eyes already glued to mine. He raises a brow, just slightly, in question. Probably wondering where I’ve been, why he hasn’t heard from me.
I give him a small smile, though it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. I don’t know how to convey everything across this space, a space that feels like he is a million miles away, even though he’s right there,in front of me. An ocean between us, just across the room.
I’ve never quite felt our distance so keenly. What if we just aren’t meant to be?
I don’t know how to tell him that the risk of this, ofus, just tripled. That my mother is questioning me and that her personality pretty much guarantees that she will now be on a warpath to figure out who he is. To find out the truth of what happened that night at the fair.
Especially because it involved her precious Cole getting hurt.
And fuck, I hadn’t even thought about him. Did he get a good look at Theo? Could he identify him? He wouldn’t know him from school. Theo didn’t start until after he’d graduated… but Cole is closer to me in age. We are pretty much unstoppable with social media if we want to be.
My head spins with the anxiety of it all, and as I watch Theo teach, the worry swirling in my gut threatens to overtake me. If I ruined his life, I will never forgive myself. If I lose him, I don’t know that I’ll ever recover.
Somehow, I’ve found the best thing in the world with Theo, yet it may just be the same thing that ruins both of our lives.
He catches my eye multiple times over the course of his lecture, so many emotions and questions packed into every single glance. I know I’ll need to find a way to tell him, but I’m at a loss. I can’t text, can’t talk to him openly.
My chest moves as I sigh heavily, but then I get an idea. I pull a sheet of paper from my bag and scribble a quick note on it.
Parents took my phone. I’ll explain later. I’m okay.
I hesitate, wanting to writeI love you,but knowing that isn’t safe. Not that any of what we are doing is. I’m on edge. Every move I make is at risk of exposing us both, of blowing up our lives with one misstep.
I take another sheet of paper out, scribbling nonsense on it, and then hold it over the note in my hand. I’ll pretend to be turning in an assignment on my way out the door. When the final bell rings, I do just that, moving quickly so that the throng of students shields me from anyone paying too close attention to my movements.
Sal is on my heels, watching my every move. Theo looks like he wants to stop me, wants to say something, but I don’t give him the chance. This is a small enough town that I’m now too nervous to raise any suspicions. You never know who is watching.
When we get out into the hall, Sal grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop, making me turn to face her. “What is going on?”
“Not now. Later, I’ll explain.”
She hesitates, eyes roving over my face in search of answers. Finally, she nods, letting me go. We walk side by side towards our next classes, and she leaves me where we must split off with a quick wave and a tentative smile.
I have calculus next, my least favorite class. My brain doesn’t play well with numbers, preferring the creative arts to the sciences. Still, I push through, trying my best to pay attention when all I want to do is run. Or maybe scream.
When I’m heading to my next course, computer science, I pass Theo in the hall. He gives me a quick nod, and I sigh in relief. At least now he knows, and I don’t have to worry about him thinking I’m ignoring him. We will have to find a way to talk soon, though, so I can give him the full picture.
I can’t lie, I’m terrified to tell him. For him to know that my mom knows. Not about him, but about the fair… and that she is now watching my every move. Just waiting for me to slip up, to make a mistake.
I wish I could carry this fear, this anxiety, myself. I don’t want him to have to carry this burden, too. If I’m being honest… I’m also nervous of his reaction. Will he pull back, put distance between us to save himself? Will he be willing to continue our relationship? It’s almost enough for me to hide the truth.
But he needs to know. Needs to be aware of the risk, the scrutiny. It’s not fair to hide it from him, so I’ll just have to put on my big girl panties and tell him the truth, and hope beyond hope that he isn’t found out. That my lie holds true.
It was a stranger. It was no one.
No one important, anyway. My heart aches in my chest, hating that I have to say those things about him, even for our protection—because he is everything.
I get no chances to talk to Theo, and by the end of the day, I’m so mentally exhausted that I just head straight home. The house is empty when I arrive, thank god. I walk into the kitchen and find my phone sitting on the counter, and I almost squeal.
