‘Other than the kids making friends at school, I haven’t got to know many people apart from Stan and Pearl. He chivvies me along and Pearl pops in with a meal for us sometimes, they’ve really helped. I live in this wonderful environment, and I feel as though it’s all passing me by. Like I’m still just a visitor and we’ll go home again one day.’
Ella was remembering her excitement when she’d first found the job, the opportunity to explore this exceptional landscape as it reached out to speak straight to her heart. Max didn’t know what it was to have the breath of a new adventure blown into his day quite like she did. How could he when he had so much to take care of?
‘Sometimes I wonder if we should’ve stayed in London and just carried on.’ His gaze was heavy with indecision. ‘But then we take Prim out and I watch Lily and Arlo racing around with her, finding things to show me, and I see the joy she brings them. The space and freedom they have here is so different to what they’re used to. We walk to school, which we never did in London, and we bump into people along the way they’ve already made friends with. Then it feels right, like they really are going to find their way here and they’ll be okay.’
‘And maybe it’s just you that’ll still be lost?’ Ella’s words were a whisper as his gaze clung to hers.
‘Maybe. What if I’m really meant to be alone, Ella? Alone was always my default from being a kid. Boarding school, parents travelling, only child until my father met someone else. Victoria changed that for a while and now I have Lily and Arlo to take care of. Alone doesn’t hurt as much as a broken heart. I can live with alone as long as they’re okay.’ Prim sighed as she clambered onto the sofa. Ella could have sworn the dog knew Max needed someone beside him. She snuggled up and nudged his hand until it was gently stroking her head. ‘It’s like you said before, about Lauren, and the life she’d wanted.’
Ella liked how Max used her sister’s name, spoke about her as the real person she’d been, not someone whose existence was measured by the space she’d left in the lives of those who loved her.
‘It’s not just about what we lose but the lives they should have had too. Every milestone, every moment sometimes with the children, reminds me of what Victoria’s missing. Every time they laugh, or Lily tells me off, or I see a glimpse of Victoria’s smile in Arlo’s. Their eyes, their hair, even, red just like hers was.’ His voice caught and he swallowed. ‘I wish every single day she could see how amazing they are.’
‘Oh, Max.’ Ella couldn’t help her arm reaching across and lessening the distance between them. She wasn’t expecting him to wind his fingers through hers or see the glimmer of tears in his eyes before they separated. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘She’d be so proud of them, how they’re coping, and I know she’d be telling me to go easier on myself. Look at how far we’ve come, not how far we’ve still got to go. This is their life now, one without their mum, and she loved them so much.’ He shrugged helplessly. ‘One foot in front of the other every day and remembering how to breathe. That’s what they say, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. Keep moving forward. Find the light, avoid the shadows.’ Ella’s voice was soft, her eyes awash with tears she didn’t often cry now. Sometimes it still felt as though she were living without half of her soul, and Max had lost his soulmate too. And Lily and Arlo, living lives made less ordinary because their mum wasn’t there to meet them at the school gate and badger them about homework, or bake their favourite cakes, tuck them in at night and tell them she loved them after a bedtime story.
‘This is quite the conversation for a Sunday night.’ Max offered Ella a smile and her own followed. ‘Let’s hope we both of us sleep.’
‘I should go. It’s late and you’re probably going to have those two alarm clocks going off early.’ She stood up and Prim raised a sleepy head from Max’s thigh as though surprised that Ella should want to head outside again. She slipped her coat on, her mind full of all they’d shared, confessed, understood now about the other.
‘I’m sorry if you’ve told me about Lauren when you’d rather not have done.’ Max followed Ella to the front door, his arm skimming her face as he reached past her to unlock it.
‘It’s fine.’ And she realised it was. Lauren was half of her heart and Ella brought her to life now with so few people. The icy air wrapped her in its grip as she stepped outside and she shivered. ‘I’m sorry about—’
‘Don’t say it.’ Max laid a palm on her cheek, gone the instant she registered its warmth. ‘No more loss, no more sorry. Let’s both keep moving forward out of the shadows.’ He hesitated. ‘Will you be okay, in the house? You can borrow Prim if it helps.’
‘That’s kind but I think she’d rather be with you.’ Ella was still sensing his touch on her skin as she turned away, the memory of it a heat fending off the chill.
Chapter Ten
‘So, is there anything you think sets Halesmere apart from other holiday properties in Cumbria?’
It was Monday morning, and Ella and Max were in his office. He’d texted earlier, asking if she’d mind putting the coffee on while he took the children to school. When he’d arrived, she was seated opposite his desk, her laptop open and a notebook to hand. As he settled in his chair and thanked her politely for the drink, she hoped she was projecting more professionalism than she was feeling after their time together last night.
‘Can I come back to that after I’ve had my coffee?’
‘If it will help.’ She liked the quick smile as he put his glasses on and flipped his own laptop open.
‘Did you sleep?’ Max was brisk as he picked up his cup.
‘Eventually.’ Was she imagining the quick glimpse of understanding in his glance? ‘Did you?’
‘Same.’
Ella hadn’t been thinking quite so much about being alone in the big, empty house when she’d returned. Instead she’d fallen asleep remembering his understanding about Lauren, the new life he was trying to make for him and his children. The hot chocolate they’d shared and how his sympathy had warmed her as much as the drink after her short, sharp walk. It was madness to wonder if he’d done the same.
‘What was the question again?’ He picked up a pencil, put it down to cover a yawn with his hand. ‘Sorry. Those alarm clocks did go off pretty early.’
‘That’s okay. I’m sorry if I kept you up.’ Ella was doing it again, picturing the children tumbling into his bed to wake him, and she quickly banished the images from her mind.
‘There are hundreds of holiday properties in Cumbria, and I wondered if you think there’s anything that might make Halesmere different?’
‘Location?’
‘Not enough on its own. Spend five minutes online and you’ll find lots of cottages with locations just as stunning.’ She was starting to enjoy this and took a sip of her coffee, ready for the hit. She’d gone for a run early this morning and felt refreshed, alert from the exertion. Stan had tried to waylay her as she’d returned, and she’d promised to speak to him later. ‘Something else?’
