‘Wow. That’s a mouthful.’
‘Yep. Hence Max. And Lily says Lion suits me because I roar too much.’
‘Ah.’
‘Quite.’ His voice on the single word was a monotone. ‘Not a ringing endorsement for her father, is it?’
‘She was probably just being mischievous. As she is when she’s reminding you about swearing.’
‘I think you’re being kind, Ella. I have to do better.’ Max pursed his lips into something that couldn’t quite pass for a smile. ‘So you googled me?’
‘I did.’ She didn’t see any point in pretending she hadn’t.
‘That makes two of us. Seeing as the details about you from my mother were so sketchy, I did a little searching of my own.’
‘And what did you find out?’ Ella’s pulse was beginning to hurry as thoughts of the past filled her mind. Images of all she and Lauren had achieved together were fixed in her heart, she had no wish to discover them online too.
‘Well, you were certainly a talented swimmer. I found some old pictures from a meet when you swam for your county. But I didn’t know about the rowing medals.’ Max’s eyes were suddenly more serious. ‘It’s clear you set out to make a success of everything you do, Ella Grant.’
She gulped down a mouthful of hot chocolate, nearly choking on the cream that came with it. Bloody Google, was there nothing private left? Her own Instagram use was scant and mostly confined to her volunteering or recipes, and she shared her history with so few people. Her parents weren’t interested in social media and her brother’s Instagram was full of dogs.
‘It was ages ago,’ she replied casually, aware of Max watching her. ‘I gave up rowing competitively when I went to university. You must know what that’s like. Life suddenly becomes very different, and you’re caught up in everything new.’
‘Yes.’ He paused. ‘Forgive me if I’m treading where I shouldn’t but did you and your sister always swim together?’
Ella’s fingers trembled around her mug and her eyes felt dry, scratchy. So he’d noticed there were no images of her at meets on her own. ‘Yes. I gave up after we lost Lauren. I just didn’t have the same focus in the pool without her, we were always on the same team.’
‘So you switched to rowing instead?’
Ella’s shoulders began to loosen their hold around her ears. Rowing was easier to talk of than her years swimming. ‘I love being on the water and I’ve always had lots of energy; my mum used to say it had to go somewhere.’
‘What happened to Lauren, Ella?’ Max’s voice was very soft. ‘You know you don’t have to tell me if you’d rather not,’ he added.
She normally avoided questions like this as though her own life depended on it, but Max was already different. He understood; his own loss wasn’t the same, but it was no less profound or hurtful. ‘It was meningitis after an infection, it happened very quickly.’ Ella tried to even out the shaky note in her voice. ‘All these years later I still find it astonishing to remember how suddenly we went from a family of five to four. You sort of know nothing will ever be the same again but it’s almost too unreal to actually believe it. I kept thinking Lauren would just walk in one day and I’d laugh, because how could losing her ever have been real?’
Ella shook her head slowly, trying to sort her thoughts into proper order. ‘I felt as though I’d lost half of myself, even though we were different in some ways. She was always persuading Mum to let her try new things in the kitchen, she liked how recipes came together to make something exciting. I didn’t have a clear picture of what I wanted to do, and when she died it was obvious to me I should be a chef so her dream wouldn’t be lost for ever. I was angry for a long time afterwards and rowing, competing, helped.’
‘So you push yourself even harder, to make up for what she couldn’t do?’ Max’s voice was very gentle.
‘I really want her to know I’ve tried my best for both of us. And I’ve done it. Trained, qualified, done the job, got the T-shirt. Lived the life.’
Ella wasn’t prepared for the quick touch of his hand on hers when he leaned across, the simple gesture letting her know he understood. That trying to live her sister’s life wasn’t as foolish as it sounded when she said it out loud, shared the truth with someone other than her family and Dylan. She’d made friends down the years but there weren’t any left from before Lauren, only after. Her own friends now, people who knew her as one person and not half of a pair.
‘When do you rest, Ella?’ Max’s hand retreated to his thigh. ‘Do you ever do anything just for you?’
She raised a shoulder. ‘I run, swim, I have my kayak. I rest when I can. I’m fine. If you’re concerned about my taking care of Lily and Arlo, I would never drive or do something silly if I was overtired.’
‘This time I was thinking of you. You don’t strike me as someone who’d put anyone else in harm’s way. Not after everything you’ve been through.’
Ella wanted to tell Max not to think of her but perhaps she was reading too much into it and he was only being mindful of her as he would any of his other employees. Would she regret this evening when she had to sit opposite him in his office in a few hours? Would she regret sharing hot chocolate in front of a flickering fire with three stockings hanging from the mantelpiece, the Christmas tree blinking beside the dresser? But she couldn’t find regret however much she searched for it. It was too late now, wrapped in the dark of night and confessing thoughts to him that she usually only trusted Dylan or her family to keep safe.
‘Are you still interviewing me?’ She tried to make the atmosphere easier, appreciating Max’s quick smile.
‘No.That was a formality and the easiest way to learn more about you without resorting to what Google might give up. And an attempt to remind my mother that she’s not the one in charge. She doesn’t live in England all year round, however much she tries to support us. Not with this climate. She still has a place in France and she’s going next week, but she’ll be back in time for Christmas.’
‘The interview didn’t feel like a formality.’ Ella wrinkled her nose. ‘It felt pretty rigorous, especially after an eight-hour drive and a night in that flat.’
‘Yeah, I’m really sorry you spent two nights in there.’ Max shook his head. ‘Especially when I knew you’d be staying about five minutes after we first met.’
