‘I don’t want to, but I think it’s important that I do. I’m sorry. Sorry that you had to get involved in that. And, if I’m honest, I’m sorry I didn’t introduce you to Nan earlier.’And that was because I didn’t want you to know what I’d done,he added silently.
‘Well, I’m sorry too. No offence to you, but that woman cooks like a dream.’
Jay grinned. ‘She does. I learned from the best.’
‘And she gave you her mother’s recipe book.’
‘She did.’ He was itching to pore over the pages of the recipe book and he would, once he’d got this out of the way. He knew that he’d uncover countless treasures in the pages. ‘I’m not proud of what has gone on in my family.’ He paused and, when she didn’t speak, he continued. ‘As you know, my dad died in an accident at work. He was a railway man. Someone didn’t secure some rolling stock properly and he was knocked over. Hit his head and died in hospital.’ He paused again and still Emma didn’t interrupt. ‘I was fifteen at the time. I idolised that man and it felt as though my whole world had been taken away from me.’
‘I bet it did. Such a terrible age to lose your dad.’
‘So from then on it was just me, Mum and my sister.’
‘And you became the man of the house.’
‘I thought I did, but I was still a child. A child trying to be a man and not making a good job of it.’ He paused. ‘Dad hadn’t been gone even a year when Mum introduced Steve.’
‘I can see why that would hurt.’
‘More than you’d know. I couldn’t bear another man taking Dad’s place, especially not one who acted as though Dad never existed and he owned the place. Or at least that’s how I saw it then.’
‘And now?’ she asked quietly.
‘I’ve been thinking about that all afternoon. Today, Mum said I’d done some pretty bad things myself, and that’s something I’ve not been able to admit before. Steve had been around for about a year when it all blew up. I was seventeen. Thought I knew everything and saw everything in black and white. He tried to lay down the rules, but I ignored them. Why should I listen to him? He wasn’t my dad. We fought constantly. It was usually my fault because I went out of my way to provoke him. Then one night I got blind drunk and, when I got home, he was there having a go at me. We got into a row and I was up in his face, goading him. He got so angry with me, he hit me.’
Emma gasped. ‘He shouldn’t have done that. In reality you were still only a child.’
‘A child who was acting the big man,’ Jay replied. ‘It wasn’t that which hurt me though. It was Mum. She took his side.’
‘I can see why that would hurt.’
‘I think I was acting up because I wanted her to see how much she was hurting me. I wanted her to put me first, not him. But she didn’t, not even then. So I walked out and went to stay with my nan.’
‘And you haven’t spoken since?’
‘The odd text here and there when one of us was feeling guilty or lonely, but, no. I did go and see her when my brothers were born and I’ve visited them a few times, but mostly I’ve shut them out of my life because I wanted to punish her. That’s why I haven’t been able to talk about it. Because deep down, it’s myself I’m ashamed of.’
Emma moved to sit next to him and put her arms around him. ‘You were a teenager, you were grieving. There probably wasn’t a right or wrong way for any of you to behave. You were all just trying to work it out as you went along, so you shouldn’t blame yourself.’
‘Maybe not for that. But I do blame myself for carrying it on. It’s just that the longer it went on, the harder it was to find a way to stop it. Nan was right in pushing us together today. The only problem is, I don’t know what happens next.’
‘How did you leave it with your mum?’
‘She said she’d like it if we could keep in touch. Even if it’s just the odd text or phone call.’
‘So text her.’
‘What, now?’
‘Yes. Tell her it was good to talk. Tell her you want to find a way to move forward too, but you need to do it slowly.’
‘Just like that?’
‘Yes. Do it now.’
Jay frowned. ‘And what if she doesn’t reply?’
Emma smiled and handed him his phone. ‘I have a feeling she will.’
