Mom muffles a sob into her palms.
I don’t look at her.
I’m looking at my father, and for the first time in… my whole life, probably, heseesme.
It’s appalling. Insufferable.
I’d wanted this. Didn’t I tell Thio that? That I wanted my dad to get the job. He’d have access to the records, and he’d find out. He’d know. He’d know all my secrets, all the secrets I never wanted to keep from him. Things Itriednot to keep from him, and he told me I was lying. He told me I’d misunderstood.That isn’t what happened, Sebastian, don’t be dramatic.
I thought I wanted this. I thought I could handle this.
I turn to Thio, eyes blurring.
“Take me to your place,” I beg him. “Now. Please. Let’s go, now.”
I’m crying. When did I start crying? Fucking hell,I don’t want this—
Thio cradles my cheek. “Okay, baby. Let’s—”
Dad steps around the coffee table. Orok hasn’t moved, his eyes on the floor, and he’s slumped in his chair.
“Wait,” Dad says. His voice cracks, and I’m undone. “Sebastian. Just—wait.”
My eyes pinch shut, but I don’t move, and Thio doesn’t make me. He loops one arm around me and I rock into him.
“We’re so sorry, son,” Dad tells me. “Iam sorry. We—the things I learned, I—”
He stops. I’m not looking at him, my eyes still closed so I don’t see what his face does, but I canhear,and he sounds shattered. There’s rustling, the squeak of couch cushions; I think he’s sitting again, and that makes it easier, somehow.
“You should know.” His voice is stronger, but there’s still a choked-off quality to it. “I turned over everything I found to the Mageus Military Police. I doubt, however, that much will come of it, given how many people within the ranks have benefited from Camp Merethyl.”
“They won’t believe you.” I pop my eyes open and glare at him. “Will they?”
It’s targeted, and it hits, my dad flinching against the cushions. Mom has her hand in his, gripping tight.
“There will still be an investigation,” he tries. “There will still be—”
“Nothing. There will benothing,because no one will hold them accountable. You’re asking people in positions of immense power to admit they fucked up,and that will never happen.”
I’m shouting, words echoing off the apartment walls. I stepped away from Thio at some point, too hot now to be near anyone. It’s burning me up, the fires that have always eaten away at me; this is their final inferno, the finishing blaze.
Dad sits up straight again. “It’s a step forward.”
I laugh. Bitter, cackling. “That’s why you’ve come? To get credit for doing the bare minimumsix years too late? Where the hell were you when I came home from camp every summer malnourished andill,and you told me I needed to beef up before next year? Where thehellwere you when I had to rip blood out of Orok’s body? I could feel his heart slowing down; do you have any idea what that’s like? I couldfeel him dying. I came home after that and you told me I was a failure.Where were you then?”
A sob gags me and I bend over, hands on my knees, gasping to the floor, crying so hard my body aches. Orok’s head is in his hands, fingers arched against his hair. No one else moves, no one reacts, all of us trapped in the inescapable cage of the pain emanating out of me. I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to cap it.
I loved my parents. I loved mydad,this larger-than-life man I trusted and admired. I loved them both, and I still do, and Ihatethat I can’t hate them. That this hurts so bad.
Dad stands slowly. Still crouched over, I scowl up at him.
He’s crying, too.
I’ve never seen my father cry. Not at funerals. Not for anything good, even. But he’s crying now, tears dripping down his cheeks as he watches me.
“I know,” he croaks out. “I know I made mistakes. I can’t—” He takes a beat, eyes flipping to the ceiling, back to me. “I can’t fix what I did to you. To you both.” He includes Orok, who’s still folded in on himself. “But I can start from here, and do the right thing. I didn’t just involve the Mageus Military Police. I spoke with my lawyer.”
That yanks me upright. “You didwhat?”
