Her highlighter moved mechanically across the page.Bargaining.That stage hit yesterday during her morning run.If she'd just been less pushy with Cole, if she'd noticed Marie's distance sooner, if she'd never tried to manipulate his return...The possibilities spun endlessly, each what-if more useless than the last.
Depression.Well.The empty ice cream containers in her dorm room could testify to that one.Sarah had taken to appearing randomly throughout the day, armed with coffee and determination to "get her out of her head."But Ashley recognized the symptoms in herself - the heaviness in her limbs during morning lectures, the way colors seemed duller somehow.
Her phone lit up again.Marie.I know you're angry.I never meant to hurt you.It just sort of… happened.
Ashley's laugh was hollow in the quiet library.Of course, it "just happened."Things always "just happened" to Marie - boys, opportunities, other people's futures.The texts blurred as tears threatened, but Ashley blinked them back.She was done crying over this.
According to her textbook, acceptance would come eventually.The ability to move forward, to find a new normal.Ashley traced the words with her finger, wondering if it counted as acceptance when you had no choice.When the man you loved was happy with your friend, and the future you remembered was slipping further away with each passing day.
She glanced at her watch - almost time for physics lab.For another carefully choreographed dance of pretending everything was fine while Dale watched her with concerned eyes.To avoid the east wing where Cole's new research space was, where Marie sometimes brought him coffee between her political science classes.
The textbook stared back at her, its clinical descriptions of grief feeling both accurate and hopelessly inadequate.Somewhere between the stages of anger and depression, there should be a chapter about how to grieve a future that technically hadn't happened yet, how to mourn the loss of two relationships at once - the love that could have been and the friendship that was supposed to last.
"Absolutely not."Ashley stared at the dress Sarah had thrown onto her bed - something short, black, and completely inappropriate for her current state of mind."I'm not going out."
"You've been hibernating for two weeks."Sarah stood with her hands on her hips, her strawberry-blonde hair already styled for the night ahead."You've memorized the stages of grief.You've eaten your weight in ice cream.And I'm pretty sure you've reorganized your closet three times."
"Four," Ashley muttered, but Sarah ignored her.
"The point is, you can't hide in here forever.Eddie says there's this party at-"
"If you say the physics department, I'm throwing you out."
"The art building," Sarah finished, rolling her eyes."Completely Cole-and-Marie-free zone.Promise."
Ashley eyed the dress again.It had been a while since she'd worn anything other than oversized sweaters and leggings."I don't know..."
"I do."Sarah started rummaging through Ashley's makeup bag."And I know you're tired of analyzing your own grief patterns.Time to actually process them instead of just studying how you're supposed to."
An hour later, Ashley found herself in a converted gallery space, fairy lights strung across exposed beams and music thrumming through old wooden floors.The dress actually looked good, though she'd never admit it to Sarah.Students filled the space with energy and laughter, none of them carrying physics textbooks or wearing lab coats.
"See?"Sarah pressed a cup into her hand."A whole world exists outside the science buildings."
"Who would've thought," Ashley said dryly, but she felt something in her chest loosen slightly.Here, she didn't have to calculate routes to avoid running into Cole and Marie.She didn't have to pretend not to notice Dale's worried glances.
"Well, well."A familiar voice drawled from behind them."Look who finally emerged from academic exile."
Ashley turned to find Ezra leaning against a pillar, looking unfairly good in dark jeans and a fitted shirt.No blonde in sight tonight.
"Stalking me, Martinez?"
His smirk deepened."Don't flatter yourself, Carter.Some of us actually have social lives beyond quantum equations."
Sarah glanced between them, then spotted Eddie across the room."I'm just going to...yeah."She disappeared into the crowd with suspicious speed.
"Subtle," Ezra commented, pushing off from the pillar to stand beside Ashley.They watched the crowd together for a moment, the music filling what might have been an awkward silence.
"So," he said finally."Marie."
Ashley's fingers tightened around her cup."I don't want to talk about it."
"No?"His eyes held something that wasn't quite sympathy."Funny how plans have a way of working out exactly how we don't expect them to."
"If you're here to gloat-"
"I'm here," he cut her off, "because contrary to popular belief, I don't actually enjoy watching Cole make questionable life choices.Even when they work out in my favor."
Ashley frowned."What's that supposed to mean?"
