Ashley's chest tightened.She'd avoided looking at her phone; she couldn't bear to see the texts from Dale or the silence from Cole.
"The thing is..."Sarah picked at a loose thread on Ashley's comforter."I saw him this morning.He was at the coffee cart, looking like death warmed over, but..."She hesitated."He was buying two coffees.Your usual order."
Fresh tears threatened.Of course, he noticed how she had her coffee.Just like she remembered how he'd- No.She couldn't think about that now.
"I'm not going to his graduation," Ashley whispered.
"Wasn’t being with him the whole reason why you agreed to let him tutor you in the first place?You were over the moon when he invited you, and I don’t understand you, Ashley."
“I’m not going.”She repeated lifelessly.
"Yes, you are."Sarah's voice was firm but gentle.“Because you're not just avoiding Cole or Dale.You're avoiding yourself.“
Ashley sat up slowly, Dale's sweater falling off one shoulder."What do you mean?"
"Look, I don't know exactly what happened last night.But I know you.And this isn't about either brother, is it?What’s going on with you?"
Ashley stared at her hands.How could she explain that she was terrified of becoming the kind of person who broke hearts?That she'd spent so long afraid of being hurt like her mother she hadn't noticed she was becoming her dad.
In her wild chase after Cole, she’d gotten close, too close to Dale.Her heart was confused and broken, and she couldn’t keep on loving the ghost of her husband anymore.
She wasn’t sure she knew him in the first place.
"He ruined it," she said instead, voice cracking."That poem...it was special.And he made it dirty."
"Did he?"Sarah asked softly."Or did he show you he's hurting too?"
Ashley wiped at fresh tears."Hurting?He was cruel.Deliberately cruel."
"And you went straight to Dale after."
The words hung in the air between them.Ashley flinched.
"That's not- I didn't mean to-"
"I know you didn't," Sarah said quietly."But Cole saw you.Running toward the physics building, wearing that dress that was clearly meant for him."She paused."He threw up in the bushes after.Ezra said he kept mumbling something about how he deserved it."
Ashley's stomach lurched."I wasn't trying to hurt him."
"Weren't you?Even a little bit?"
The question hit too close to home.Because maybe she had been.Maybe some part of her had wanted him to feel as raw, as exposed as she'd felt when he'd twisted that poem into something ugly.
"I don't know who I am anymore," Ashley whispered."The person I was a month ago...she knew exactly what she wanted, and who she wanted.Now I look in the mirror, and I don't recognize myself."
Sarah was quiet for a long moment."Maybe that's not such a bad thing."
"What?"
"Look, the Ashley from a month ago - she was running from something.But this Ashley?"Sarah squeezed her hand."She's messy and confused and maybe a little lost, but at least she's real."
"Real?"Ashley laughed bitterly."I'm playing with two brothers' hearts.There's nothing real about that."
"No," Sarah said firmly."You're human.You're trying to figure out what you want, who you want.And yeah, maybe you're making mistakes along the way.But at least they're your mistakes.Not some perfect version of yourself you think you need to be."
Ashley pulled Dale's sweater tighter around herself, then realized what she was doing and shrugged it off like it burned."I need to give this back to him."
"You need to figure out what you want first."Sarah gathered the sweater it and folded it carefully."And I don't mean which brother."
