“Will you consent to see a lixia specialist now?” Lei asked.
I crossed my arms. “No,” I said, in a tone that was final. Sky had asked me multiple times, but I saw no point. I didn’t want aphysician examining my blackened veins and depleted qi, only to prescribe infinite bed rest. No, I would heal on my own terms.
Lei shrugged and got up to leave. “They’ll be coming for you soon,” he said, his tone facetious once more. “Your little prince has returned from his brave and harrowing journey. Just in time to play the hero.”
His voice was mocking, but I wondered if there was not a note of bitterness to his words. Lei, who played the perennial villain, who pretended as if everything he did was for foolish vanity, or selfish gain. But looking up at him now, at his cold, derisive expression, I knew it was but a carefully constructed mask.
“Thank you,” I said. I rose to my feet unsteadily, gripping the wall for balance. “I can’t say for certain what the future holds, but if ever I’m in the position to, I’ll speak in favor of relations with Ximing, and with…you.”
He studied me then, and I tried stubbornly to hold his gaze. One beat passed, then two, until I couldn’t take it; I blushed and looked away, but not before glimpsing the wicked curve of his smirk. Did he know the residual power he had over me? The lingering desire that I could not suppress, no matter how hard I tried?
“Do you want the throne?” he asked. “Or does Sky want it?” The unexpected shift in topic unsettled me. His voice dropped dangerously low. “Or does the dragon want it?”
“I want it,” I replied, but my voice sounded strange to my own ears.
“You hate it here,” he said suddenly, his tone vicious.
I opened my mouth to argue, but he seized me roughly by the shoulders. “Don’t lie to me, Meilin.” To my astonishment, I heard his voice tremble with suppressed fury. “I thought we’d passed that point.”
“You aremadeof lies, Lei!” I ripped myself from his hands. “So what if I hate it here? I have nowhere else to go.”
His eyes were a dilated molten copper, so bright and deep I felt like I could fall into them and drown. “You could come with me.”
“How much have you had to drink, Lei?” I scoffed, but as he closed the distance between us, I retreated until my back hit the wall, my bravado slipping. “I’m sure your brother would love to see me,” I hissed. “We got along so well last time.” I shivered at the memory—when Prince Zihuan had pressed a burning candle to my throat.
“We needn’t return to Ximing, though Autumn would certainly be pleased to see you.” His eyes flickered like caught fireflies. “But I believe that you and I share the same concerns, do we not?”
Lei had read my mother’s diary.
For the first time, I considered it. Was that a real option—to go with him? Or had it always been in my stars to stay?
“The dragon’s plan,” I began dubiously. “The one my mother wrote of. Do you think it’s connected to the sudden appearance of spirit gates?”
“What do you think, sweetheart?” asked Lei, looming over me, and I loathed him for it. For in his tone, the answer was obvious.
And yet: “How can it be?” I demanded, glaring up at him. “I’m still alive, aren’t I? He can’t choose another vessel, apart from me.”
Lei glanced at the ceiling window, at the light slowly resolving into day. “I don’t know how the dragon is managing it,” he said at last, “but I doubt we’ll find the answer within these palace walls.”
I shook my head tiredly. “I can’t leave Sky.” And Sky could not leave the capital again, not at such a critical juncture.
Lei appeared unsurprised. His smile, scathing and contemptuous, was like a slash across his face. “I must be more like my brother than I thought,” he murmured, alcohol loosening his tongue.
Impulsively, he fitted his hand around my throat, as if he meant to strangle me. Yet his touch was surprisingly gentle. He left it there for a beat, before seeming to remember himself and dropping his hand. “Do me a favor,” he said, his mask of insouciance back in place. “Try to stay alive, will you?”
Twelve
There are times when he is placating. When he asks me, “What is your favorite tea?” or “What music do you find pleasing?” And I think to myself, perhaps I could be happy here. But then I recall—I already know his answers to such questions, while it has taken him this long to even think to ask mine. And I wonder, why are the expectations for our husbands made so meager? Why do we mistake the absence of cruelty for kindness? When I remain cold, he grows angry, shouting like a child in the throes of a tantrum. And I remind myself never to lower my guard again.
—from the diary of Hai Meihua, 914
Sky came for me notan hour later. He burst through the door, upsetting the water jug Lei had left for me by the threshold.
“Meilin.” He reached for me, wrapping me in his arms as if to make sure I was real. “Did they hurt you?”
I shook my head against his chest, my lungs unexpectedly tight. At the familiar sight of him, a foreign emotion constricted my throat, making it hard to speak.
He pulled back, holding me at arm’s length to check for injuries. “When I heard the news…” He swallowed, sensing the roiling emotion within me. “I came as soon as I could.”
