From the throne, I could rework any rule. I could punish those who had wronged me. Most importantly, I could rewrite my legacy, so that everyone would knowIwas the one who saved the kingdom.
“My lady, are you all right? You’re white as a ghost,” said Lotus, her voice coming from someplace far away.
“Are you having another panic attack?” asked Lily. “Should I bring out the irons?”
“No!” I screamed, seizing her by the arm.
“Meilin,” Lily said sternly. “You’re hurting me.”
“You’re a perversion,” General Huyi had called me. “Repulsive.”
More often than not, I had read,the spirit will overpower its host, assuming control over the medium’s body and mind.
This obsession with the throne, with power—was it consuming me? Was I losing my sense of self? If my family saw me now, could they recognize me? Could I even recognize myself?
I released my breath, centering myself through qi gong. Painstakingly, I forced myself to let Lily go. To my shock, I saw that my hands had left bruises on her skin.
“I-I’m sorry,” I said, clutching my head. “I’m not feeling well. I need…to be alone…”
I didn’t catch her response. I turned and slammed the door to my bedchamber, then slid to the floor. My head was pounding as if someone had taken a hammer to it. What was wrong with me?
Strangely, I could not sense my own qi. All I could feel was the force of my lixia, like turbulent waves crashing against a crumbling dam. “Would you surrender yourself to the world, or would you make the world yours?” It was the age-old question—the one that had led Chancellor Sima to accept the phoenix’s bargain, and me to embrace the dragon’s offer. Because we had been hungry, dissatisfied with our lot in life. Because we had failed to value what we already had.
I could not tell if I was awake or dreaming. “It is inevitable.” The voice that spoke was no stranger’s, but I could not recognize it. “Surrender is inevitable.”
I looked up and saw my own face, reflected back at me.
“Give up,” she said. “You’re so close already.”
Darkness closed in.
I woke abruptly, sitting uprightin bed. Outside, the sky was dark.
Lily sat beside me, her eyes pensive and watchful. “Is it worth it?” she asked quietly. “Your power?”
The curiosity in her voice sent a chill through me. I seized her shoulders, before recalling my earlier outburst of violence and unhanding her. To her credit, she did not flinch. “Listen to me,” I said. “A bargain like mine cannot be undone. You’re too young.”
“Only a few years younger than you.” She scoffed. “You’d do it all again, wouldn’t you? If given the choice.”
I didn’t know how to answer her. “It’s not that simple.”
She shook her head. “My brother is a summoner, you know, of a lesser spirit.” At my stunned look, she laughed. “I know you don’t trust your spirit, but my brother trusts his. In fact, he considers her his friend.”
I said nothing. I too had been so naïve once.
“You don’t believe me,” she said, shrugging. “Not all spirits are alike, Meilin.”
I puzzled over her words. But before I could ask more, I recalled Lei’s note.
“What time is it?” I exclaimed, panic rising. Had I missed him?
“A quarter to midnight.”
I breathed out in relief, then scrutinized Lily. Although I trusted her, I couldn’t be certain if she reported my actions to Sky.
“Please return to your room,” I said. “I sleep better alone, as you know.”
“Are you certain you wouldn’t like supper, or—”
