Page 85 of Hockey Player Seeking Fan

“You can never be a parasite, Erica.”

“I know. But spoiled little rich girl who doesn't have anything to worry about other than her podcast getting bad numbers and meeting her soulmate? Come on. I'm surprised I haven't been?—”

“Stop.” She holds her hand up. “We're not going to have you talking like that about yourself, okay?”

“Okay. Why do I love you so much, Sabrina?”

“Because I'm your best friend. Oh, by the way, Suki said that she met some guy and wanted to let you know that she's grateful for the conversation that you had the other day, because now she's learning to let go, as well. Whatever that means.”

“I can't even remember the conversation that we had, and I don't know what I said.”

“That means she would let go—because let's be real, she already used to let go all the time.”

Sabrina presses her lips together. I can see that her eyes are glowing, and she's trying not to laugh.

“I'm not going to say anything,” she says. “I'm just passing along the message.”

“Well, good,” I say. “What about Helen? Have you heard anything from her?”

“She’s studying super hard for the MCATs. Her dad really, really, really wants her to get into a top five med school.” She makes a face. “We might not hear from her for a while.”

“Man. That's some pressure, huh?”

Sabrina nods. “Oh, by the way, my mom sends her regards. She wanted to tell you that she's going to be planning a picnic in the park in a couple of weeks, and she hopes that you’ll be able to attend.”

“Does she know when yet?”

“No.” Sabrina rolls her eyes. “Oh, yeah, and did I tell you my sister called me?”

“Oh? How’s that going? I hope you didn't think I was just being selfish and talking about myself. I didn't want to pry if you weren't ready to talk more about the situation.”

“No, it's fine. She said that Dad agreed to go to rehab again, but that he really wants a relationship with me, and that he really wants a close relationship with her. So… we’ll see.”

“You think he's going to follow through this time?”

“I don't know.” She mumbles and shrugs. “I want to just pretend that it doesn't matter. I want to pretend that I don't care. I want to pretend that what he does is his business. I thought he was dead for so many years… but it hurts. I feel like if he really loved me, if he really loved her, he would fucking do anything to make sure he was in our lives. But… I don’t know.” She licks her lips. “I just feel like maybe he doesn't love us as much as he tries to say that he does.”

I nod slowly. “Yeah. Just because someone says they love you doesn't mean it's true.”

“Has someone told you they love you and lied about it?” she asks softly.

“No,” I say, almost bitterly. “Not one man in my life has ever told me that he loved me. I mean, aside from my brothers and my dad and my grandpa. No boyfriends, no love interest, no one’s cared about me enough. No one’s seen my potential. No one’s?—”

“Hey, Erica. It's okay.”

“I just feel like maybe I partitioned the part that was disappointed and felt rejected, and maybe that's why I've gone so hard on wanting to find true love. Because what does it matter if random men don't fall in love with me? All I need is that one.

“Am I a loser?” I can feel myself growing sad, not because I am sad, but because of the way that society and relationships have made me feel. I don't want to feel this way. Like I'm not good enough. And while Tyler doesn't make me feel that way right now, how am I going to feel when he's ready to move on? How am I going to feel when he's dating some other bimbo like that redhead I saw the other night?

But he wasn't dating her, right?

Sure, that wasn’t a date. But what about when it is a real date? What about when there's someone else whose back he wants to blow out and fuck all night long?

I mean, let's be real. He's not whispering sweet nothings in my ear and telling me how much he loves me. He's not telling me that he's my soulmate and that I won the bet. He's just calling me pretty and telling me that he likes to be with me—and that's okay. It really is. Because I like to be with him, too, and I don't want to hold any expectations.

But there's a small part of me that's really scared that I'm going to break. And I think I knew that after the first time Islept with him, and that's why I stayed away. But I couldn't quit him. He was too persistent. He's too mesmerizing. He's too handsome. And when he touches me…

“Oh, Sabrina. When he touches me, I feel like I'm on fire. I feel like I could cure AIDS and cancer and every disease in the world. I feel like I'm all-powerful. And that scares me, because how does he have the ability to make me feel every positive emotion?”