“That’s understandable, for her to feel that way.”
He let out a sigh. “It’s all part of the process, I think. A lot has come up for her, that I hadn’t realised. Becoming a mother when she doesn’t have her own around has been harder than I knew. And she never wanted to admit to me how much she was struggling, because she didn’t want me to struggle. You were a godsend to her, Anna. Really.”
Anna gave a small, rather unhappy smile. “But I was also part of the problem.”
“We spoke about that, and Jane understands—in her head, at least—that I am perfectly entitled to have a relationship. She wants me to be happy. It’s just harder in her heart, you know? In theory versus in practice.”
Anna nodded slowly. “Yes,” she agreed. “Most things are.”
They both lapsed into a silence that felt reflective rather than disconsolate, although Anna still didn’t know where they stood. Where they could stand, all things considered. Well, she told herself, she was trying to be proactive in all areas of her life, including this one.
“So,” she asked James, giving him a direct look. “Where does that leave us?” Before he could reply, she continued, “You were honest about how you felt before. In fact, your honesty both humbled me and blew me away, and I was very grateful for it. So, without having any ideas how you’re going to respond, I’ll be just as honest with you now.”
A faint smile played about James’s lips and sparked in his eyes. He leaned back in his chair as he nodded his assent. “All right.”
Okay, here goes, Anna thought and then launched in. “I like you,” she told him baldly. “A lot. And I especially liked our kiss, which I don’t regret at all.” The smile that had been playing about his mouth deepened, giving her both courage and hope. “In fact, I’d like to kiss you again, soon. I’ve thought about that quite a lot.”
“So have I,” James murmured, his lips positively twitching with a smile he couldn’t suppress. Anna found herself smiling back, even though she knew there was still a lot more to say. A lot more uncertainties to deal with.
“And I like being with you,” she continued. “What you said about feeling like you knew me already? I felt the same. I know that’s not necessarily real, but it’s still something. Kindred spirits, maybe.”
“Definitely,” James chimed in.
Okay, this was going pretty well so far. And yet…
“But, like you said,” she resumed, “life is complicated. My life is complicated—I’ve got two daughters who are both healing but still hurting, especially around Peter’s will and some change and drama that will cause.” She held up a hand to forestall any questions. “I won’t talk about that now, but it’s ongoing and will be for some time. I’ve told them I’m going to move up to Mathering, regardless of what happens with us, and they’re pleased, so that’s a good thing.” She let out a breath, feeling a bit drained from everything she’d said, yet also excited, and glad she’d said it. “And you,” she continued. “You have complicated factors too, in particular Jane and being a support to her, whatever that looks like. So, we’ve both got things—children, really—that demand our time and attention and might make having a relationship hard.”
“Yes,” James agreed quietly.
“But like you also said,” Anna replied, “we’re both in our fifties and life is short. There’s no time to waste. These are early days regardless, maybe too early to say what might happen, but what I’d like to say is…I want to try to find out. Give it—us—a chance, amidst all the complications.” There. She’d said it, as plainly as that, and she was glad, fiercely so. “But if you don’t want to,” she assured him, “then that’s fine. No hard feelings, and I hope we still can be friends.” She let out a self-deprecating laugh, deciding to be completely honest. “I mean, I’ll be gutted,obviously, but honestly, I mean it.”
James was shaking his head slowly, which made Anna’s spirits, which had just started to soar, plummet right to the ground. She could almost hear his next words.That all sounds amazing, Anna, and I really like you too, but I just can’t do that right now. I’m sorry.
“Anna,” he said. She braced herself. “I completely agree,” he told her simply, and she let out a trembling laugh of incredulous hope.
“You do…”
“Yes.” He reached for her hand, drawing her up from her seat and across to him. Anna’s heart beat hard as James stood, taking both her hands in his as he gazed down at her. “I think you’re an amazing, incredible woman, and I want to find out where this goes, too, because I actually think it’s going to go somewhere pretty fantastic. But I want to find out, like you said, amidst all the complications. Because if we wait for life to settle down or simplify, it never will, will it?”
“No,” Anna agreed on a whisper, thinking of all that happened in the last few months. “It never will.”
“So, here’s to us,” James said, “and here’s to now.” And then he kissed her, his lips settling on hers softly as his arms came around her and she pulled him even closer, deepening the kiss in the most wonderful way.
When he held her like this, she thought hazily, she felt like anything and everything was possible.
And maybe, she realised as they broke their kiss to grin rather foolishly at one another, anything and everything was.
*
A very pleasurablehour later, where she and James chatted and laughed and kissed some more, Anna was driving back to Embthwaite Farm, her heart lighter than it had been in many long years. There was still some sorrow there, as well some uncertainty—what the future held still seemed alarmingly unknown, especially in relation to the farm.
Her relationship with her daughters, too, Anna acknowledged, was ongoing, in progress, but maybe that’s how all of life was. Nothing ever felt truly finished or complete. It was ongoing until the end, which was why death could feel like such a wrench, an ending without the satisfaction, the sense of wholeness.
And yet in the midst of the uncertainty, the confusion, the heartache and disappointment…you found hope. You found strength. And you kept going.
She was smiling as she came up the drive, the sight of the farm lightening something inside her. A new story would be told in those dusty old rooms, she thought. She didn’t know what it was yet, or whether she would be a part of it, but she was ready to find out. She was ready to embrace the future and all its changes…however it played out. She had her daughters, and she had James, and she had this community, ornery as it was, to help her.
As she pulled in next to the house, she saw a battered Land Rover parked in front. She’d assumed it was Peter’s when she’d first come up the drive, but now she realised it wasn’t. While just as beaten up and mud-splattered, it was blue rather than green, and Peter’s car had been put into the barn. Had a local farmer come to pay his or her respects?
Slowly Anna got out of her car and walked up to the front door. She felt a sense of curiosity war with trepidation, although she wasn’t sure why, until she opened the front door and saw the three women standing in the hallway, all glaring daggers at one another.
Harriet’s hands were on her hips, and Rachel’s mouth was pursed up like a prune. The third woman, with long, auburn hair and a statuesque physique, was looking down at her nose at both of them, her jade-green eyes sparkling with tears.
“Hello,” Anna greeted them all cautiously.
The red-haired woman turned to look at her, lifting her chin just a little. “Hello,” she replied in a voice that was determinedly firm, with a hint of challenge. “I think you might know this already, but I’m Daisy.”
The End
