‘Then it makes no difference as to whether I know or not. You can’t go on like this, Elena. I mean, what’s next when we get back to England? Eating one of my pickles? It can’t get more dangerous than that.’
‘Idiot,’ she muttered, and relief filled his face as she smiled.
He’d think her an idiot if she told him about what had happened years ago.
Swaying slightly, the rough sleeper stood up, having finished the baguette. His dog trotted over and licked Elena’s hand, before its owner saidbonsoirand went to go. She pulled out her purse and held out a five euro note. The man raised his eyebrows, his deeply lined face softened, and he muttered something in French, ending with the wordmerci.
‘Is it something to do with your thirtieth birthday?’
The man and his dog went down the steps. She opened her mouth. Closed it again. Then said, ‘Yes, it’s two weeks today and… I’m probably not going to reach it.’
The colour drained from his face. ‘Areyou sick?’
She shook her head.
‘Then it’s to do with what you almost told me last week – about when you were ten?’
Elena exhaled as a young couple walked past, laughing and smoking weed by the smell of it. Further down, a group of students drank and took photos.
‘I’ll tell you a secret, from when I was ten,’ said Rory. ‘I used to creep out at night, too, and nick Dad’s ciggies to smoke in the backyard, as if smoking would make me more grown up, make me more like a mate for him – a mate I felt he needed. But he found out one night, went mad and quit on the spot. So… where did you creep out to?’
Elena bit her lip.
‘Onto that common, near your house?’ he nudged.
A longing to share her story that had lived deep inside for so many years, seeped out of the cracks in her hard exterior. Elena could no longer ignore it.
A broken biscuit still mattered, still had a purpose, could reinvent itself with a future away from the dustbin. This new product at work may only have been confectionary but its message spoke to Elena in the way she hoped it would to customers. Breaks and scars, over time, hurt so much; they changed lives, but they also made people brave and resilient.
That resilience was more important than ever now. Elena had to finally face her past – before she lost her present and future.
Voice shaking slightly, Elena started talking.
24
ELENA
21 December 2004
Elena lay in bed, face down, sobbing, body covered in sweat, hair stuck to her cheeks. Gayle, the next-door neighbour, had gone downstairs to fetch a glass of water. Daddy wasn’t there because of Mummy… Body jerking with emotion, Elena sat up. She reached for her teddy bear. Leah at school said cuddly toys were babyish. She also called her parents by their first names, said it was more grown up. Elena didn’t care. She hugged Teddy oh so tightly. Gayle gave really good cuddles, but only Teddy heard Elena’s deepest secrets.
‘I feel sick again,’ she said to her bear ‘Auntie Gayle says I’ve got a temperature. I want to go to the hospital to see Mummy but Daddy said no, because I’m not well and because…’ She sobbed again. ‘He said I should concentrate on the fun times I’ve had with her instead, as if memories are all I’m going to have.’
A knock at the door sounded. Gayle came in and put the water on the bedside cabinet, next to a ramshackle pile of books. She sat on the bed and held Elena’s hand. Big beaded necklaces hung around her neck, so different to Mummy’s delicate gold chain, and Gayle smelt ofstrong perfume that made your nose wrinkle, whereas Mummy smelt of yummy baking.
‘I’m sorry you’re going through this, love,’ she said. Her eyeliner had smeared down her face. ‘Your mum is one of the strongest people I know. Don’t forget that.’
‘Thanks for the drink,’ Elena said and sniffed loudly. ‘I… I want to be on my own, now.’ She had to be a big girl, if Mummy was ill. Daddy had sounded so upset… A sob rose in Elena’s chest.
‘Are you sure? I could sit on your bean bag, if you wanted, keep you company until you fall asleep. Or how about I read from one of our favourite stories, sayAlice in Wonderland?’ Gayle reached forward and gently straightened the bow around Teddy’s neck.
‘I’m okay… thanks, Auntie Gayle.’ She wasn’t her auntie but Elena had always liked calling her that. She lay down and turned her face away, not wanting to show her tears, feeling so hot as if it were July and not December. She wasn’t going to fall asleep. Not whilst Mummy was alive.
A kind sigh. ‘Okay, my love. I’ll be in the lounge. Come down or shout if you want anything, anything at all. Another top-up of water. A hug. Call down if you feel sick again. I’ve put a bowl by your bed. Try to sleep, it’s already so late.’
A pat on Elena’s shoulder and the door closed. The television came on downstairs. For what felt like hours, she tossed and turned. If only she could get some fresh air, and go for a wander on the nearby common, like she did on summer nights. Mummy and Daddy never knew, but she’d creep out and give their other next-door neighbour’s cat a Dairylea Triangle of cheese. The liquorice black cat was called Bumper because he’d bump his nose against people’s legs. Bumper would understand what she was going through.
Breath sounding raspy, Elena got out of bed and put on her trainers, half-heartedly tying the laces. Mummy had taught her to do that, and how to braid her hair, how to plant flowers and do mathsequations. Elena crept downstairs and past the lounge, like she had so many times before. Not bothering with her coat, she snuck out the back door. The cold air took her breath away and with it, the horrible, suffocating feeling she’d been suffering. She pushed against a loose slat in the fence, at the bottom of the garden, breathing in mossy, soily smells. The gap gave her just enough room to squeeze through. A shiver ran down her back as she faced the common, an open stretch of land with mist across it, always empty at night. Hoot, hoot. A familiar sound. She’d actually seen an owl once. Bats, too. Children played cricket and football on the common, and sometimes grown-ups held events like the little touring Christmas fair that had been running for a week. Today, Tuesday, had been its last day, the end of its tour, before Christmas Eve on Friday.
