Iclear my throat. “WhenIlived with theJensens, my foster mom had a necklace that she always wore.Itwas a little heart locket with a picture of her and her husband in it.Iloved it so much and asked every day ifIcould open the locket and look at the picture.Whenwe said our goodbyes beforeIwent back to live with my mom, she said she wanted me to have the necklace.Thatway,I’dalways remember her and remember that she cared about me.”
Ireach up to touch the locket, even thoughIknow that it’s gone, thenIdrop my hand back to my lap. “Itwas one of only two things thatItook with me from foster family to foster family.Itgot me through a lot of really hard times.Imean,Iwas little whenIlived with theJensens, so theexperience often felt like it was a dream— thatIhad just let hope make up the ‘memory.’Thatnecklace was a confirmation that it was real.Thatit happened.ThatIwas loved once.”
Iswallow hard.IwishIhad put it in my pocket that nightIfell off the roof.Asharp pain in my ribs reminds me that they still hurt at the memory, too.
Iturn to look atLedger.Thisis the most real and vulnerableI’veever been with another human.Possiblyeven including myself.Iprobably told classmates or foster siblings thatImissed living with theJensensthat first year or so, butI’vedefinitely never told anyone the full story.Andjust like withCharlieearlier,Isee zero judgment in his eyes.Justcaring concern.Somehow,Ijust know that the story, my emotions about it, my raw and open heart— they’re safe with him.
“Thatsounds really tough.Thankyou for sharing it with me.”He’squiet for a long moment, just holding me.Ikind of hope he doesn’t want to keep talking about my childhood becauseI’veonly got so much emotional energy thatIcan spend on that particular subject in a day, andI’mpretty sureIjust spent it all.Ihope he can sense that.
Ledgershifts how he is sitting, andIknow he wants to be able to see my face, soIturn, too. “Iwant to go back to something you said earlier,” he says. “Yousaid you were surprised thatCharlie,Mackenzie, andLiviliked you even though you were injured and didn’t have a clue about shopping or about what you liked.”
Inod.
Hiseyes shift to my hair.It’snot oftenthatIhave it loose like this and not in a ponytail or a braid.Withthe lightest touch, he brushes his fingertips across my cheek as he tucks part of my hair behind an ear. “Youare so beautiful.”
Iblush.I’veheard this before, but it’s always different when it comes fromLedger.
“Yourbeauty is not what draws people to you, though.”Helifts one shoulder in a shrug. “Infact, some people might say that you are ‘intimidatingly beautiful.’”
Itry to hold back a smile. “Intimidatingly?”
“Yep.That’sthe exact phraseEmersonused to describe you.Whatdraws people to you isn’t what they’re seeing on the outside.They’redrawn to you because you have a deep inner beauty.”
“What?”Isay. “Whatdoes that even mean?”I’mpretty sure he’s messing with me.
“Okay, for example,” he says, “let’s talk about what you do for a living.Beingan intelligence operative in the field takes a lot of courage, commitment, training, skill, conviction, resilience, adaptability, creativity, discipline, grit, patience, and a whole lot of other things, right?Andyou’re one of the best there is, so obviously, you’ve got all those things in abundance.
“Notonly that but all of those things could be combined to be helpful in a lot of different careers.Youchose to utilize them in a career that helps people.Keepsthem safe.Looksout for those in danger.Me?Ijust do it for the adventure and the challenge.
“ButIknow you do it to help people.Iknow, becauseIsaw you stop in the middle of a mission to help that littlegirl.”Hetaps two fingers on my chest. “Yourheart?Everythingabout you?That’swhat draws people to you.Notyour knowledge about or experience in a specific subject.Nothow helpful you are to someone at any given time.
“Butwho you are in here.That’swhat shines through.Thatdeep inner beauty is what makesCharlieandMackenzieandLiviand everyone else want to be around you.It’swhat has made me fall in love with you.”
Myheart is so full of emotion right now thatIworry it can’t contain it.Ijust gaze atLedgerwith watery eyes, taking him in.IwishIhad everything thatLedgerjust said recorded soIcould listen to it again, over and over.Iwant it to be in a physical object thatIcan hold, just like that necklace from my foster mom.ThenIcould hold onto this moment forever.Rememberthat it is real.Thatit happened.ThatIam loved.
Iknow from experience that this is ephemeral, andIwant to soak in every bit of it whileIcan.Iwant to hold his words tight.Iwant to bathe in them.Iwant them to surround me every moment.
SoIsnuggle back intoLedger’sside and soak in every bit of how incredible it feels to be loved by him.
CHAPTER 29
CANOE CONFESSIONS
LEDGER
Istep into the elevator from the parking garage at work a few minutes late after droppingZoe’snecklace off at a jeweler to be repaired.BetweenZoefalling off that roof, the stress of the hospital, making sure her recovery was going well, and wanting to spend every momentIcould spare with her,Ihad somehow forgotten about her necklace thatI’dslid into my pocket right before picking her up in that skinny alley.
Still, it’s baffling to me thatImanaged to forget about the necklace.Upuntil that point,I’dnever seenZoewithout it.IguessIwas just focusing too much on her amazing eyes.Orhow much she makes me laugh.Orher lips.Itcould’ve been her lips.
Ittook me a minute to even remember whatI’dbeen wearing that night.Well, it took me untilIremembered thatIhad been soaked by the rain— those wet pants mademe very aware of whatIwas wearing for long enough thatIhad no question.
Ofcourse, they’ve been laundered since then.Allmy clothes from that trip have been.Ipanicked for a moment untilIremembered that onceZoehad been doing well enough in that hospital thatIcould go out to the rental car and get our bags,I’dfound a restroom and changed.Ihad checked my pockets first, found the necklace, and put it in a zippered part of my bag thatIrarely used, worried thatI’dlose it otherwise.
SoIwent to my bag, and there it was.RightwhereIleft it.Ihadn’t brought it up toZoewhen she told me the story behind the necklace becauseIworried that it might have fallen out of my pocket somewhere along the way, andIdidn’t want to give her false hope that it wasn’t lost.Thejeweler said they’d have it fixed by tomorrow afternoon, soIdecided to just wait and surpriseZoewith it then.
Zoehas been on my mind nonstop, andIget to take her to see one of my favorite places tonight.I’mfloating as the elevator takes me up.Assoon asIstep out onto the floor,Emersoncatches my attention and taps the watch on his wrist.Iroll my eyes and head over to him. “SorryI’mlate,Mr.Punctuality.Ihad to drop something off to be repaired and had to wait for them to open.”
“Droppingsomething off, huh?Ifit was your sense of urgency,I’mnot sure they can fix that.”
