“She bought a cheap signal jammer. I’ll be updating all our trackers shortly,” I say. If I didn’t have scientific proof to the contrary, I would have sworn Lottie was mine.
“Is Pen still with you?” Gabriel asks, and I know he already knows the answer.
He and Pen are close. My little brother used to find every opportunity to spend time with her. Initially, I thought he had a boyhood crush until I realised it was Pen’s brain he was enjoying. She challenged him, made him question what he knew.
“She is. Lottie begged her to stay. She’s been trying to reassure her, this isn’t her fault.”
“How did she take Darra’s revelation?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“We haven’t discussed it.”
“What do you mean? That was quite the bombshell. Surely, she’s had something to say about it.”
I don’t want to admit to my outburst the morning Lottie went missing or that things have not been the same since. I’ve apologised, told her I was angry and out of line, looking for someone to blame, but that’s not an excuse, and I know it. I said some incredibly hurtful things, when all Pen’s ever done is the best for Lottie, for my family, and I threw that in her face.
“Elijah?”
“I fucked up, okay?” I say.
“What the hell did you do now?” Gabriel hisses. His protective streak coming out.
“Lottie told Pen about wanting to find out about her biological father. That she had spoken to Darra, who had shut her down.”
“And she didn’t tell you?” Caleb intercedes.
“No. And I said somethings,” I admit.
“Have you apologised?” Caleb asks.
“Of course I have. It’s just everything is different. I feel like we’re all walking on eggshells, and I just don’t know how to make it right.”
“Pen loves you,” Gabriel says quietly. “If you’ve apologised then she’ll be okay with that. She’s not a teenager. But Elijah, how are you? I mean, really? This is a lot. Maybe, and I say just maybe, Pen and Lottie are all picking up on your confusion, your uncertainty.”
Silence descends as I take in his words.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel,” I admit.
My best friend and my girlfriend duped me into marriage, knowing I loved someone else. Lied to me and my family for years. That same friend moved in with my innocent sister, only to continue screwing my ex-wife. The whole thing is a damn train wreck.
“I don’t know what I want anymore. Everything I’ve spent my life doing, building up, seems tainted.”
“It sounds like you’re having a midlife crisis,” Caleb says.
“I’m not that bloody old.”
“It’s not about age. Something has happened that’s forced you to reevaluate your life. You need to look at what you have, and decide what you want to fight for, what’s worth expending energy on. If Pen is part of that, then fight for her. If she’s not, then you need to let her go,” Caleb says.
“When did you get so wise?”
“You won’t like it, but I’ve been listening to Mum.”
The thought of letting Pen go makes me sick to my stomach. The simple thought of her not being in my life makes my heart ache.
“I can’t let her go,” I admit quietly.
“Then what’s holding you back?” Gabriel asks.
