He had hair on his chest. Masculine.
He said, ‘Lili, you’re trembling. Are you sure you want to try this? I meant what I said earlier… I don’t want you to feel pressured.’
Lili lifted a hand. It was shaking. If anything, this evidence of her fear made her even more determined. She couldn’t let her past cast its shadow over her future, especially if she wanted to do it differently for her child. They deserved her bravery. She shook her head. ‘No, I want to try. At least.’
‘Okay, wait here.’
She watched as Cassian walked out. Not sure what to expect, Lili turned on another low light and then sat on the edge of the bed. Cassian’s scent tickled her nostrils. Earthy. With a hint of sea and citrus. Uncomplicated. She had to concede that wasn’t unlike him. He was turning out to be direct, open. Not some selfish, louche party boy.
She wondered about that just as his shadow fell across the door and he came back with two half-full glasses of what looked like wine in his hands. He came over and handed her one. ‘I thought this might help, a little.’
Lili was touched by his consideration. ‘Thank you.’ She took a big sip and then put the glass down on a bedside table.
Cassian sat on the bed too, but at a distance. He took a drink of wine and handed the glass to Lili. ‘Would you mind?’
She took it and put it down beside hers. She turned back. He was looking at her. ‘So, you’ve never had sex. Have you done…anything else?’
Lili could feel heat rising. ‘Not really. I developed early…and I was self-conscious. My mother used to tell me to hide my breasts. That my hips were too big. She’s like a little bird.’
Something crossed Cassian’s face, it looked like irritation. ‘That’s when you learned to hide.’
‘Maybe. I went to an all-girls school. Men…boys, kind of scared me. My brothers were…rough. They treated me like them.’
‘And then…something happened to you.’
Lili could feel the heat draining out of her face and body. She felt cold and wrapped her arms around herself. ‘Yes.’ Clipped. She silently begged Cassian not to ask her about it because she didn’t want toxic memories ruining this moment.
Thankfully, he seemed to sense her plea.
‘Okay. And you do…know what happens?’
It took a second for Lili to register his meaning and now the heat was back. ‘Of course, I’m not completely naive. My brothers watched a lot of porn.’ Her face was burning now.
Cassian said dryly, ‘They sound absolutely charming.’
They had been spoiled tyrants and Lili had never been so thankful that she was no longer anywhere near them. And never would be again.
And then she blurted out, ‘I saw you…in the shower. I didn’t mean to. I came into your room on the first day and you were still in the bathroom.’
Cassian said, ‘That’s okay. Did you like what you saw?’
The image of his broad back, tapering down to lean hips and then firm, muscular buttocks flashed into Lili’s mind. She nodded. She was so gauche. If Cassian still found her attractive after this then it would be a miracle.
He stood up from the bed. ‘You can look at me now if you want.’
Lili’s curiosity overcame her embarrassment. He was simply too beautiful not to look at. Her gaze roved over his broad chest and shoulders. Muscled arms. Pectorals. Taut belly with the delineation of muscles.
Just above the waistband of his pants, she could see the indentation where his thighs met his waist. She didn’t know what to call it but it made her fingers itch to trace it.
She wanted to touch him. Her gaze jumped up to his. Had she spoken out loud? He was looking at her steadily. Completely unfazed. Something about his acceptance of this situation was incredibly empowering. What other man would so patiently hand themselves over like this?
She stood up. ‘Can I touch you?’
His eyes widened. ‘Of course, if you want.’
Lili went and stood in front of him. She’d stopped trembling now. Maybe the alcohol had worked. But her mind had never felt clearer. She was aware of Cassian’s gaze on her and walked around behind him. She lifted her hands and held them away from his back for a few seconds. She could almost feel his body heat radiating against her palms.
And then, very gently she brought them closer and laid them on his bare back. The feel of his skin under hers was so shocking at first that she pulled them back again, but then she put them back, leaving them there, absorbing the sensation of his skin, warm and silky.
