James laughs and lifts an oyster to his lips. He’s brought a tin of oysters on ice down for us to eat.
The gesture reminds me of Grayson locking eyes with me earlier. It wasn’t sexual tension between us, exactly—it was more of a moment where we both realized even if the two of us aren’t personally involved, we are engaged in a sexual relationship with the same person. At the same time.
It’s, well, intimate. A shared experience.
Because in spite of what any of us think, you can’t live next door to each other, share the same friends, raise your babies side by side, and itnotget personal.
Even if I insisted to James it’s casual.
I can see that it’s not for him.
I’m not even sure it is for me anymore either and that’s concerning. That isn’t what any of us agreed to. It’s not what we signed up for. It’s not practical or smart and yet the three of us guys have fucked Caroline together twice and now we’re spending the day at a picnic. This is starting to feel like a relationship beyond the bedroom, and I need to know where my husband stands.
The truth is, I already know where he stands.
He’s falling in love with Caroline all over again. Not just nostalgia for the teen relationship they had and a healthy dose of lust, but real feelings for her as an adult.
Which I understand. She’s fun, she’s carefree, she’s intelligent, and she’s compassionate.
But James and I need to have a conversation and figure out together what we do about this.
“Where’s Caroline?” I ask James, knowing full well he’ll know exactly where she is.
“She’s with Grayson and Evelyn and his parents.” James puts down his oyster shell and wipes his fingers on a napkin. His eyes scan the beach, seeking them out.
They’re sitting on a blanket on the sand, Caroline with her legs crossed, Grayson casually flopped on his side, Evelyn between them. His family is surrounding them.
“Caro loves Evie,” James adds.
“Maybe we should let Caroline and Grayson have a night to themselves tonight.” It’s my way of testing the waters.
Frankly, I think Grayson and Caroline would enjoy it as well. There is something brewing between them that also isn’t strictly casual sex. This is all getting more complicated than I intended.
James sits up straighter at my suggestion. “You think they want to be alone?”
“I think it’s possible. And I would like to be alone with you.” Not because I’m feeling insecure. Far from it. I know what James and I have. But because it’s starting to feel like we have to return to neutral and all give each other time to process what this is and where it’s going.
Or if it’s going anywhere.
“Listen, I need to talk to you,” James says.
“About?”
“About Caroline. You know I always want to be honest with you.” James reaches over and laces my fingers through his. “I’m falling in love with Caroline.”
“I know,” I tell him simply. “I have to admit, I should have seen this coming. You’re a very bighearted man and she’s special to you. I understand that.”
“I know she’s leaving, so it doesn’t mean anything for the future, but I wanted you to know what I’m feeling.”
“I appreciate you being honest.” I squeeze his hand, my chest tight as I take in the troubled expression on his face. God, I love this man with my whole heart and fucking soul. “And of course it means something. And if it means something to you, it means something to me. We’re a team. So tell me…what do you need from me? Do you want to see more of Caroline? Or less? I don’t want you to be heartbroken when she leaves.”
“I think it’s inevitable I’m going to be heartbroken when she leaves. But I don’t want to see less of her. I want to soak up as much time with her as possible while she’s still here, if that’s okay with you.”
Throughout our entire relationship, James has always been giving and supportive and generous with me. With his attention and love, and his habit of leaving me little notes at night on the bathroom mirror so I find them when I’m getting ready for work. He cooks for me. He cleans our apartment, and he raises our son and he never, ever resents my long hours at work. He worries about my acclimation to South Carolina, and that I miss my family, and he always encourages me to do video calls and send gifts to my sister’s kids, and to plan on trips back to the Netherlands.
He deserves to love and be loved to his fullest capacity.
“It’s more than okay with me. I want you to be happy and Caroline makes you happy.”
