“See? I swear too much. I can’t do this.” My chest feels tight. Evelyn is on her side like a potato, crying.
I’m still in my pajamas and I haven’t showered. My arms are killing me from holding her half the night and I work out all the time. They shouldn’t be this damn sore. Then again, I haven’t made it to the gym in three weeks. I haven’t had sex in four weeks. If I had known my life was about to take a serious left turn, I would have fucked my way across Manhattan in the weeks before Evelyn appeared.
But I didn’t, because I thought I could have sex whenever I wanted because my life was my own, and now I’m wound tight, reduced to frantic jerk-offs in the shower while Rose is in my apartment tending Evelyn. It’s hard to enjoy an orgasm with your old nanny and your baby (or not my baby) fifteen feet away, but if I don’t jerk off, I’ll crawl out of my skin.
While I’m having a damn existential crisis, the baby is still crying.
I bend down and wince at the ache in my lower back as I pick up Evelyn. She immediately stops crying.
“Grayson,” Rose says, gently.
There’s a stuffed bear on the floor and I step on it, my ankle rolling. I don’t really lose my footing—it just pisses me off.
Now I’m just grumpy.
So I kick the stuffed bear. Seeing it go flying across the living room is stupidly satisfying. “Fine. Just go. It’s fine. We’ll be fine.”
And the second Rose leaves, I’m calling my sister and my mom. One of them will help me. I think. Hell, I’m not above begging.
“Give her a bottle, put her down in her crib, and take a shower.”
“You say that like it’s easy.” There is a spit bubble on Evelyn’s tiny little rosebud lips and damp tears running down her cheeks. I use my shirt to wipe them up. It doesn’t matter. I’m a disgusting mess right now anyway and I’m pretty sure I smell like formula and diapers. The entire apartment does. Why would I be any different?
Meanwhile, a glance down at my phone showed I have fourteen notifications and three missed calls from Andrea. I have a Zoom meeting in forty-five minutes with our West Coast team.
“It is easy. Just relax. Your stress is giving her stress.”
“I actually think it’s the other way around but whatever.”
“Don’t you whatever me. You may be a big shot in New York, but here you don’t speak to me like that, young man.”
Shit. “Yes, ma’am.” I take a deep breath. “Thank you for helping me.”
Rose laughs. “That killed you, didn’t it?”
“Little bit,” I admit. “But I do mean it. I couldn’t have done this without you. Ican’tdo this without you.”
Rose gives Evelyn a kiss on the top of her head. Then she firms up her purse strap on her shoulder and stares up at me. “Man up, Grayson. You want to play, sometimes you have to pay.”
I almost launch into a defensive explanation of how I wasn’t irresponsible with any of my many one-night stands, but I stop myself in the nick of time. It’s a losing argument.
“This could be life-changing for you in the best way possible.”
Except that I liked my life exactly the way it was. When I could shower whenever I wanted and fuck whoever I wanted and sleep whenever I wanted.
“We still don’t know if she’s even my kid.”
Rose rolls her eyes. “Keep telling yourself that.”
I walk with her to the door and open it for her. I give her a hug and kiss the top of her head. Rose still smells like childhood to me, with her floral perfume and obsessive use of hand lotion. “Thank you. I mean it. I appreciate all the help.”
She gives me a wave. “You’ll be fine.”
When the elevator opens for her at the end of the hall, I lift Evelyn’s little hand and give her a wave. “Bye, Rose. We’re probably going to die without you, but bye.”
She snorts.
Then I momentarily forget about my problems when a woman steps off of the elevator and smiles at Rose, who eases past her.
