I hit pause, needing a second to emotionally regroup after Connor’s unexpected oversharing. I consider pouring some wine.
But instead, I head over to the kitchen table, figuring maybe a new view will help me digest the shocker we just got on screen.
Deep breath in, I hit play once more.
“I’ve partnered with Columbia to fund some groundbreaking research into hearing loss,” Connor reveals. “The team there is doing incredible work mapping out the mechanisms behind various auditory issues. The discoveries they’re making could be game-changing.”
There’s a determined grit in his voice that makes my stomach flutter.
“But it’s not just about funding scientists to push the envelope. I’m making sure we turn these discoveries into treatments that people can actually use. We’re rolling out programs to get hearing aids and medical care to folks who don’t have access, offering huge discounts or even free of charge when it’s needed. I want to make real change here.”
As he talks about the program, there’s real fire in his eyes. He downplays it stoically, but I can tell how much the cause means to him.
“And the brilliant Professor Miller here is the genius driving all the research,” he adds, grinning at her with unrestrained admiration.
The way he looks at her, as if she’s behind every great thing in his world, as if she’s the answer to every question he’s ever had, makes my chest tighten. I hear a few faint pops in the protective bubble wrap around my heart.
They make quite the philanthropic power couple . . . if they are a couple. And not just charity collaborators. But who am I kidding? The chemistry between them is palpable.
I find myself glancing away, checking the sad state of my herb garden through the window. The basil’s dead. It makes me want to cry, I tried so hard with it. Some things just aren’t meant to thrive, I guess.
When I glance back at the screen, Connor and the stunning professor are bantering so easily, so effortlessly, that I hit pause, unsure if I can stomach more.
Despite the deep ache in my chest, I realize part of me is actually happy for him.
All this time, I’ve avoided thinking about him, pushed him out of my life and my heart. Yet he’s still managed to find his way into my thoughts.
Is he drinking and partying? Is he alone? Is he isolated, pushing everyone away like he did with me? When I lay awake some nights and think about how he pushed me away, how he pushed his family away, I imagine his condition making matters worse.
I even wonder, pathetically, if he ever thinks of me anymore. If he’s ever regretted how we fell apart or thought about what we could have been.
But seeing him now, I know he’s not suffering at all. He looks fantastic—happy, relaxed, fulfilled.
He’s making a real impact, leading the charge in this field. Using his power and privilege for positivity.
And I’m glad for him, I truly am.
Even as the tears stream down my face, even as the sobs break free from my throat, I’m happy for him.
I always knew he had the potential to step up and take ownership. This person was always in there, ready to connect with others.
I thought I was an idiot for holding on to that hope and seeing that potential. For believing in him.
And in fact, I wasn’t an idiot at all. I was right. It was there all along, just waiting for someone to unlock it.
It’s just that I wasn’t the one to do it.
FORTY-EIGHT
Lexi
I’m on my way to my third date with Tom when Grace calls. When she asks me if I want to attend the glamorous Quinn & Wolfe annual summer party as her plus-one, my reaction is “Seriously, Grace? You’re joking, right?”
“But there’s free champagne,” she practically shouts over the phone.
I can’t help but roll my eyes. That eternal college mindset, still hanging on even though she has a job now. I guess it sticks with you for a while.
“No way, Grace. Not even for a lifetime supply of champagne.”
