“Hey,” I say softly instead. “You’re okay. It was just a bad dream.”
Her breathing is still uneven, and she doesn’t move. Tension holds her jaw prisoner, her hands clutching the edge of the sleeping bag like it’s the only thing keeping her tethered. Her eyes are sunken, her skin too ashy. We must reach civilization tomorrow. There’s no other option.
“You want to talk about it?” I ask gently, even though I know she won’t. Avery’s not the type to open up unless you pry the truth from her. She shakes her head, confirming my suspicion. Instead, I lie back, wrestling with the pounding of my heart. There will be no sleeping for either of us now, but I can at least give Avery a distraction. Shift her focus onto something else.
“What do you see in the guys?” I ask casually, my voice even. I feel Avery’s interest pique, her head twisting upwards. After a beat, she rolls onto her back too, finding my arm beneath her head again.
“Why?” she probes. I smile in the dark. Avery is anything but easy, and damn if I don’t enjoy the fight.
“I’m just curious, that’s all. They’re just as fucked up and damaged as… Well, me. What attracted you to them?” There’s a double meaning somewhere within my words, one I didn’t intend, but I can’t take it back now. Avery exhales harshly through her nose.
“Well, for starters, they have never tried to scare me, harm me, or actively spent years pushing me away.”
“I’ve never tried to harm you,” I instantly bite back. My brows furrow as I quickly catalogue the past few months. Avery snorts a laugh.
“Oh yeah? What about the Fall Ball? You literally pressed a blade against my thigh.” I wince, scrunching my eyes and nose tightly. Swallowing, I toy with my response, wondering if she’ll even believe me.
“I’m fairly certain someone spiked my drink that night,” I answer in a small voice. One that causes Avery’s ears to strain for the rest of my confession. “I felt fine, although admittedly a bit pissed off, when I went outside. Next thing I know, I’m waking up in bed with flashes of what happened. Your body pressed against mine, the way you looked up atme, even when I felt the knife in my hand and you were pressing closer. You’re so…defiant.”
I struggle against those images now. How willing Avery was to take whatever pain I gave her, believing it’s what I desired. I’ve never wanted anything less, but the reaction of my body to that memory shames me. Those huge blue eyes dilated, consuming me whole. Her parted lips and flushed cheeks. She looked beyond beautiful that night anyway, but those few snippets I remember—she was exquisite. It led to many dreams of knife and blood play that I refuse to think about right now, with her heat pressed against me, lost in the woods.
“Anyways,” I clear my throat, “I felt fucking terrible, so I got those compression socks you needed. I’d overheard you talking about them on the phone. Do you know the kind of ads I still get after searching for ‘petite ballet compression socks near me’?” I finger quote in the air despite her not being able to see me. She can feel the shift in my bicep though. “Not to mention, I have to duck my head walking through the local high street now. The sales girl in the uniform store thinks we’re best friends.”
Avery stifles a tiny laugh. My chest explodes at the sound, yearning for more of it. For once, it’s not her hatred and her tears. Smiling to myself, I huff a short laugh, replaying that night in my mind.
“I watched you dance for a while in the studio. You get so lost in your head, you didn’t even notice I was there, and when you were stretching, I snuck the socks into your bag and got the fuck back home before anyone noticed. Then you came bursting into the frat house, telling me you’re being stalked, and I just… left it at that. It was easier that way.”
She’s quiet now, listening intently. Thinking too hard. Licking my lips, I wrestle for something else to add, just to fill the void of my heart bleeding out. Luckily, Avery beats me to it.
“I thought the piano guy was trying to kill me,” Avery breathes. It’s my turn to force my chuckle to stay down.
“Theo? Nah, he’s a nice guy. I was his partner in Business Studies last year.” It’s the truth; Theo is a nice guy, and it helps that he’s scared shitless of me. He’s been texting me updates of Avery’s movements and moods for months.
Although he completely left out the fact Avery had a male partnerfor the Winter showcase, which caught me by surprise while I was sitting in the audience. I don’t care that he is gay. He had fingers trailing all over her thighs and her ribs. He lifted her at one point, keeping her elevated by a hand on her crotch, and I saw red. Everything that followed in the dressing room had as much to do with removing his touch from Avery’s skin, as it did with punishing myself for being so jealous.
“Well, as it turned out, I was being stalked. Just not by you.” Avery sighs, shifting the mood. My heart slowly sinks, growing heavier by the second.
The way I handled Avery’s concerns was naive. I thought, since she was safe from me revealing myself, there was no need to fret. I brushed off her concerns and let the Souls pander to her every whim. But I was wrong. I should have looked a little closer and realised she was in danger earlier. Long before Hux was shot. But that would have meant getting closer to her, and I couldn’t afford to do that. I couldn’t let her uncover my secrets and discover just how much I craved her. How possessive I can be.
Now that’s all gone to shit.
“I miss home,” Avery murmurs into the dark, her voice cracking slightly.
“Me too,” I admit quietly, my voice rough with fatigue. “More than you know.” Instinctively, my arm tenses beneath her head, the desire to drag her close taking over. I manage to keep myself in check until Avery whispers, “Do it.”
I move before I’ve fully decided if it’s for the best. Draping my arm over my waist, my hand settles on the warm fabric of her T-shirt. Avery’s abdomen shifts, adjusting to my weight; I’m now wrapped around her lithe body. Avery will never understand how something so simple can steady the storm inside me, just a little.
Avery shifts, twisting her face into the crook of my neck. Her fingers brush over my chest, tentative and unsure. It’s dangerous territory we’re treading, whether through desperation for comfort or, dare I believe, that she might have forgiven me. Just a little bit. It’s more than I expected. More than I thought I’d ever get from her. I can take the sex—the mindblowing, incredible sex—while still keeping myself protected. This is different.
Allbets are off now. I’m exposed. My feelings are known. And god, I don’t think I’ve ever spoken so much in one day. Not even to the Souls. They talk to me and around me, but I tend to keep my thoughts to myself. Keep the barrier up so no one can slip inside. Well, here comes Avery with her sledgehammer. My barrier is a pile of rubble now, and my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest.
“So,” I play with my tongue between my teeth, “back to my earlier question. I truly want to know what you see in the Souls.” Avery lifts her head slightly, glimpsing my profile through the shadows. I can’t see her eyes, but I imagine them large and unblinking. “Humor me.”
“I just think they’re perfect.” She shrugs, lowering back down against my neck. A shift against my collarbone gives the impression of a small smile creeping onto her face. “Damaged, yes, but perfect still. Axel is so beautiful, inside and out. He’s precious, you know? You just want to protect him from the world, but you also need to give him the freedom to live.”
I close my eyes, inhaling against Avery’s hair. My chest swells at her description of Axel and how she sees him. Of how protective yet understanding she is of him. I don’t respond; I just listen.
“And he has to be like that, because only someone truly incredible could bring Garrett out of himself. Garrett is hilarious. Considering these past few months have probably been the worst of my life, they’ve also been the best. He makes me laugh, but he also challenges me to look deeper beneath the surface. People can shrug him off or think he’s just full of shit, but when I’m with Garrett… I just know everything is going to be okay.”
