Page 67 of His to Worship

“Uh, no, it’s fine,” I squeak out, moving slowly towards the fire. He grunts in response but still doesn’t look at me.

I drag the large flat stone Sedona uses for chopping from its place close to Enikk and sit across from him, the blazing pit between us. I adjust my body, trying to make sure my cloak is a layer between me and the powdery snow beneath my butt. Once I’m settled in front of the cutting stone, I put the slab of meat down.

Surreptitiously checking to make sure he’s not looking, I reach under my tunic and pull out my knife. We sit in silence for a long while, me hacking away pieces of meat and him carving at whatever tool he’s making.

I can’t help but steal glances at him. His face is still cut up and his eye is swollen from the Rite of Challenge. I hate to admit it, but I was actually worried about him during the fight. He held his own, but it was still terrifying not to know what was going on.

No matter how many times I peek at him behind my lashes, he’s never looking at me. Enikk has put more and more distance between us, and I should be relieved about that, but I can’t tell if I am.

“May I garner some truth from you?” His eyes snap up to mine and my face heats at being caught looking.

I hesitate before I say, “Um, sure.”

“Is it just me that you do not want? Would you prefer a different male?”

My body seizes up and I swallow thickly. “What?” I say lamely.

“Would you want another male, a different one than me? Or is it that you want no male at all?” He speaks with so much calm, but inside I’m a chaotic mess. I didn’t expect this conversation at this moment and I can’t determine how much honesty I should give.

I grimace as I speak, “It’s not just you. I don’t want to be with anyone.”

“Why?” The question isn’t accusatory, just inquisitive.

I take a deep breath, struggling to find the words. “I just…I don’t want to be tied to anyone.”

“Is there something I did to make you uncomfortable?” Enikk’s deep gaze stares into me. These guys really do have beautiful eyes. Enikk’s are almost hazel. Not the same yellowish gold as Kuvier, but a bronzier version.

“No, I’m just not comfortable with the mating thing as a whole.” I decide that it’s best to just be honest. “I’ve never had great luck in relationships and I just don’t want to try anymore.”

His eyes leave my face while he considers my words, giving me a respite to the stare he bore into my soul.

When he brings his attention back to me, he asks, “You have a mate already? Or had one?”

“Not like this. Um, back where we’re from, humans date a lot.” I can see the confusion on his face. I scramble, trying to find a way to explain this concept to a man who comes from an entirely monogamous, marriage-based culture.

“Basically, humans do, like, trial matings. We test each other out to see if we’re a good fit. Sometimes that turns into a forever mate, like Kuvier and Sedona, and sometimes you split up and try to find someone else.”

“That sounds…sad,” he responds after a beat. I can’t help the bark of laughter out of my mouth.

“It’s sadder for some than others.” He cocks his head, measuring his next words.

“Your trial matings were sad for you.” He says it as a statement, not a question, but I answer anyway.

“Always.” I sigh deeply, putting my knife down. “My trial matings were sad and painful and they ruined all matings for me. Forever.”

“So because of these males that have not treated you correctly, you cannot give yourself to me?” I’m surprised that his tone isn’t angry or full of condescension. It’s understanding and gentle, and it makes me want to cry.

“I’m just broken now, Enikk, and I don’t know how to give myself to anyone else. I’m sorry you’re stuck with me.”

Enikk looks at me with a gentleness that makes my chest ache. “You are not broken, only lost. You have never had someone fight for you, only against you. I want to be that person who fights for you. But, do not be sorry. I do not have regrets about the Great Mother making you my mate. She has given you a patient male who is happy to wait for you to find your way. I know that I was meant for you as much as you were meant for me.”

I’m stunned into silence and my mouth opens and closes, unable to find any words to say to that. I don’t have to because he speaks again a second later.

“May I request just your friendship?” he questions, his expression open and vulnerable.

“I don’t know. I don’t want to…” I trail off, but finish the sentence in my head—I don’t want to give you hope.

“I promise I will not push your boundaries or try to make our friendship more.” His forehead crinkles with emotion. “There is more than one way to get to know the mate of your soul. If I cannot be yours, I would like to at least be your friend.”

I speak before I fully think it over, “Okay. I think I’d like that.”

“Thank you for this kindness, Amari.” He clasps his fist to his chest. “I will be a great friend to you, this I vow.”

“Erm, thanks, I’ll try to be a really good friend, too.” He moves to his feet.

“For now, I must go.” He walks around the fire and stops in front of me holding something out to me. “This will do far more damage.”

I grasp the smooth handle and he walks away, leaving me holding a beautifully-carved red-stoned knife.