“Then tell me what I can do to help fix whatever is going wrong between us.”
Seconds tick by.
My heart hurts.
My mind clouds.
My guard goes up.
Protection. That’s all I want, and I am the only person who can do that. No one else. Just me. I can’t involve anyone in my torment, and I don’t want to either. Everyone else has their own lives to lead, and I won’t be a burden.
“There’s nothing you can do,” I whisper before putting the phone down.
I look up to see Michael staring at me. I give him a little wave and resume sipping my coffee. Without even being aware of it, Michael has taken another piece of my life away from me. He’s made me distance myself from Cal, the one person that I have always had by my side.
The one person that can heal me.
The one person that I can’t have near me.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
A dangerous game
It’s lunchtime and I feel more despondent than ever. My conversation with Cal is playing on a loop in my mind. I could have told him. I could have asked him to help me, but that wouldn’t be fair. I got myself into a relationship with Michael, and I should be the one to get out of it.
The thought of telling Michael that we’re over terrifies me. He’s beyond controlling, and I have no doubt that he would make me leaving him as difficult as humanly possible.
“You coming out to get some lunch?” Kim asks me as she puts her jacket on and rounds her desk.
“No thanks, I’ve brought my lunch with me.” Something that I never used to do. Another thing that has changed. Another way that Michael can keep me under his watch.
“Luce, we haven’t been for lunch together in ages. Chuck your sandwiches in the bin and come get some real food.”
“I can’t. I need to do some more paperwork as I’m behind again.” I’m not, but I use the excuse that I have repeated more than once over the past two weeks. Kim sighs and asks if I want her to grab anything for me, but I decline.
I watch her leave the office and I feel a pang of jealousy that she has freedom. A ridiculous thing to feel, but I can’t help it.
In fact, I envy everyone that chooses to do what they want with their free time.
Free.
That words sounds like heaven. That word is what I crave. I clearly used to take it for granted.
“I need to pop out of the office,” Michael says distracting me from my thoughts.
“Okay.”
“I won’t be long. You’re staying here, aren’t you?”
“Yes. I have my lunch with me.”
“Good.” He walks off and out of the office, and I am the only person left on the main floor. It’s a welcome relief to be alone after most of the office workers kept looking at me this morning. I’m guessing that is due to the fact that I look washed-out and paler than a fucking swan.
I feel self-conscious about the fact that Michael made me take my make-up off. It’s like I have nothing to hide behind. No barrier.
I open up my sandwich bag and take a measly bite of my cheese sandwich. I don’t taste it. Eating isn’t high on my priorities right now, but I know that I need to do as much as possible to retain some semblance of normality.
The only thing that I seem to have control over is what, and when, I put food in my mouth. I’m guessing that Michael doesn’t feel the need to control this aspect of my life, yet.
