Page 97 of Addiction

“I told you I was leaving the gym. I tried to goad you into admitting something you weren’t ready to talk about. What else would it be?”

“It wasn’t because of you.”

“I pushed you, Asher.”

“It wasn’t because of you,” I repeat. I’d wanted to be the one to do the talking, to explain things and why they went so wrong, but he’s firing words at me, which isn’t helping the frustration that is rising in my chest.

“But I’m there, aren’t I? One way or another, I’m in your head.”

“Yes!” I snap. Turning away, I look out of the window as silence descends on us.

This isn’t right. This isn’t what I want. This isn’t how I’d planned for tonight to go.

I clench my fists at my sides, thinking over to the meeting I’d had with Theo today.

Remaining with my back to him, I say, “The last thing I’d expected when I came home was to find a connection with someone who would change everything for me—make me accept things I’ve been too afraid of before and make me realize what I want from this life.” I swallow. “You asked me to kiss you because you knew I wanted to.”

“And it somehow changed everything.”

“Because at that moment it was everything I wanted and everything I was running from. I was running from my past, Wade. I wasn’t running from you. Everything just hit hard, and I had so many feelings racing through me that the only thing I could do to ease them was the one I knew I’d regret. But I couldn’t find any other way out. I didn’t know how to say the words that have been on the tip of my tongue for years. Wanting to say them and needing to are two different things. But when I’m with you, it’s like you’ve known all along what I was yet to say. You know what—”

“Has been eating you alive.”

I turn to face him. “The night you found me outside your place, the one I don’t remember, you knew back then, didn’t you?”

He nods. “I had my suspicions. Getting to know you only clarified it. I just wanted to help you accept it.”

“I have,” I murmur. “You’ve helped me feel that and so much more. You’ve made me feel things that I haven’t felt for anyone else.”

My words are all the clarification he needs, and he closes the distance in two strides. I’m backed against the wall and the sudden proximity has me on high alert and instantly aroused without even a single touch. My breathing is shallow, and my heart is pounding because this is all I want yet now for some reason unsure if I want it at all. Because I care.

I care more for this man than he realizes, and I know I will hurt him somewhere along the line.

"Tell me you don't feel what's going on between us, Asher. Tell me you don't feel the connection we have. Tell me you don't look at me and wonder what it would be like to have more. Tell me you don't think or feel any of that."

"I can't," I whisper.

"Why not?"

"Because if I say I don't feel any of that, it would be a lie."

“Then why run from me?”

“It’s all I know.”

“Then maybe we need to change that?”

“Anything. I’ll do anything to change that.” And I mean it. Keeping up my barriers for as long as I have is exhausting. Even when I was crashed out on booze I was still hiding. Still pretending. However, this new way of life and expressing who I truly am is also terrifying.

"I'm scared, Wade," I admit.

"What of?"

"Everything falling apart."

He studies me for a second. "Maybe you're scared because everything is falling into place."

My eyes fall and tingles race across my body the second I feel the tender touch of his fingertips brushing against mine. His next words have me looking at him and my heart skipping an unexpected beat.