Page 95 of Addiction

I shake my head. “Other than going to a meeting, no.”

“Then you’ll do my plan,” Nora says. Taking my hand in hers, she holds it tight. “You go talk with Mom. Call Theo and arrange a meeting. And regardless of if it works out with Wade or not, you go out there and start living the life you deserve. No more running. You live your life, Asher Nelson. Do you hear me? You live it for us and for Pop because that’s what he’d have wanted. But more importantly, you live it for yourself.”

“She’s right, man,” Grayson replies. “It’s about time you had some happiness.”

Tears sting my eyes, and I know they are right. I may have relapsed, but although I regret it, I am glad it’s led me to open my heart and tell the people I love why I’ve held so many demons for all these years. My life has to start now because I’m tired of the one I’ve lived for so long. Today is a new day.

It‘s not going to be easy, especially regarding my recovery, but I’m prepared to do anything to remain sober now. I will still have my struggles, but I’ve no shame in admitting who I am because the most important people now know. With the support of those around me, I can do it.

Therefore, I promise myself that today is the start of the good things to come. I’ve just got to hope that Wade is included in that.

“I hear you both. No more running.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Wade

I do the final stretch of my late Sunday afternoon yoga and sit myself down on the sand to take in the organized chaos over Virginia Beach where I’ve found myself once again, trying to clear my head. It’s been another hot day, and the beach is filled with people. Some are couples having ice cream; others are families walking the shore; and some have just come to sit and soak up the atmosphere.

I’ve spent more time down here on the sand of late than I have anywhere else. But the early morning company of a certain someone is what I’ve longed for more than anything.

I’ve not seen or heard from him in almost two weeks as he’s taking time off, and to say I miss him is an understatement. He’s all I’ve been thinking about, and it’s been hard to not contact him.

Nora and Grayson have stayed connected with what’s going on, but I’ve not been in the mood for socializing with them, not when I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach due to screwing up the one thing I had going for me; my friendship with Asher.

I need to give him time and space, but at the same time, I feel like I’m going out of my mind.

What I feel more than anything though is guilt; guilt for what I said to him that night at Hot Tuna and guilt because my words—for whatever reason—were the ones that made him turn to drink. The way he’d stepped back from me, a look of horror in his eyes, and the way he’d thrown back the whiskey like the devil was in control had been difficult to witness.

I’ve never felt so helpless, and the more I’d watched him falter, the more I’d hated myself.

They say something good always comes out of a bad situation, and in Asher’s case, maybe it has if it’s got him to open up, but again that guilt remains with me because it is me who has driven him to that point. I’ve seen his fear, I’ve seen his hesitation and his need to dismiss his feelings, and I should have respected that and tried to talk to him as a friend about it rather than try to force him to act on his feelings. I shouldn’t have tried to make him face his sexuality before he was ready to.

Instead, I was so wrapped up in wanting him near that I pushed him right back into that dark place he’s been so desperate to stay out of.

I need to somehow make it right. I want to be there for him regardless. We’ve been through so much in our short time together, and not having him in my life like he once was is gut-wrenching. I need to give him the space he’s requested, yet the distance is killing me. He means too much to me to walk away.

With a heavy sigh, I stand, brushing off the sand from the backs of my legs and heading up the beach, preparing to go home and spend another night in the silence of my apartment.

And then, as if the angels from above have been listening, my cell signals a message, and my stomach tightens with both relief and dread.

Asher: Can you come over?

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Asher

I pace the living room floor as nervous energy races through my body. It’s taken me two hours to find the courage to send a single text, and now I’m wondering if that was the right thing to do at all.

The thought of seeing him again is making me feel all kinds of crazy. I’ve avoided everything to do with him for the past couple of weeks. I’ve needed to focus all my attention on my recovery and getting my head straight. Meetings have been regular, I’ve had daily phone calls from Theo, and my family have been more than amazing. After talking with Nora, the next person I had to be honest with was Mom. Having to look at her and tell her I’d relapsed was, in many ways, harder than telling her I’m gay. But there was no judgment. All I got from her was endless declarations of love and support for both my relapse and my sexuality. We talked long and hard, and tears were shed by both of us. What I’d needed to hear more than anything was that Pop would have been proud of me regardless of who I choose to spend my life with. I’d heard it from Nora but hearing it from Mom had somehow carried more meaning.

I’m far from where I was but, in many ways, I’m further than I’ve ever been. There is nothing I have to hide anymore, and if there’s one thing I have the drink to thank for it’s that. There is no shadow over me, no self-sabotage and—more importantly—no more secrets.

The only thing I’ve left to do now is to fix what I’ve broken with Wade, but the truth is, I’ve no idea where to even begin.

My stomach flips with the knock on the door, and I release a heavy breath.

He’s here.