Page 92 of Addiction

Her pretty blue eyes widen, and a little gasp leaves her throat as I wait for a response. But nothing comes. She studies me as if I’ve just said it in a foreign language, and I want nothing more than to know what she is thinking. “Please say something.”

“You’re gay?” she whispers.

“Yes.”

“And you’ve hidden it from us all this time?”

“I was worried about how you and everyone would react if I said anything. I was scared of my feelings. I felt it was wrong. So, I stayed silent, and it’s eaten away at me all this time.” I confess. “That’s the only lie I’ve been hiding from you. There are no more. I swear.”

There’s a look in her eyes that I can’t work out, and the longer she remains silent, the more uncomfortable I feel.

But that is soon diminished when her arms fly around my shoulders, and she hugs me tight—an embrace I welcome wholeheartedly. In this hug alone I feel her acceptance. Her understanding. Her love. Everything I’d threatened to ruin by picking up the drink at Hot Tuna.

“I don’t care if you’re gay or straight.” She pulls back. “All you need to know is that I love you.”

“You didn’t a few hours ago.” I grin.

Her head bows as if she’s just remembered the real reason I’m here. “I’m sad that you couldn’t come to me.”

I take her hand in mine again. “I was scared. I have been for some time.”

“Why?”

I tell her everything that I told Grayson just hours earlier. I talk to her about Wyatt, what it was like being a SEAL and hiding my true self from the world. I tell her everything.

“So, you’ve just kept it locked away all this time hoping it would disappear?” she murmurs, sadness in her tone as she wipes her stray tears.

I shrug. “I was hoping it would.”

"Have you ever thought about learning to accept who you are rather than running from something you'll never be able to change?"

I hold her gaze. I can see why Grayson loves her as much as he does. She’s so wise. “Grayson said something similar earlier. In a lot of ways, I have accepted it. I just haven’t been able to voice it until now. Maybe it’s a good thing I relapsed. Who knows how long I would have gone without a word otherwise.”

“Why didn’t you feel you could talk to us before? We are a family open to talking about anything, Asher. You know this. Why was it so hard for you to tell us?”

“As I said, I was scared. And…” I lower my head, unsure if I want to go down this road. Tears sting my eyes as Nora rests her hand on my arm as if she knows I’m struggling. “Pop wanted me to have a wife and kids,” I murmur.

“Oh, Asher,” she says tenderly. “Pop would have wanted you to be happy regardless of who it was with. Is this why you’ve been fighting your feelings all this time? Because of a comment, he made about your future?”

“His words got stuck in my head. All I could think about was what I couldn’t give him.”

“You can still be a father. Loads of gay men have children these days.”

“I wanted to make him proud, Nora, and failed to do that.”

“That’s not true.” Her voice quivers, fresh tears in her eyes. “Knowing you've kept this locked away hurts my heart. You could have told him. You could have saved yourself so much heartache if you'd just talked about this." She weeps. “You could have told us, Asher. Instead, you ran, and you left us when we needed you most.”

Her words are a kick in the guts. I know they’re not said to intentionally hurt me, but they have. What she’s said is true, and it’s only now that I can see things from her point of view. I’d left her to cope with the death of our dad alone. If only I’d have opened up and not run.

Running away meant I’d lost precious time with my pop before he died.

Running away had caused my addiction to hit rock bottom, and that addiction had escalated with catastrophic consequences.

It had made me miss my father’s memorial service.

It had made it harder to return home.

It had caused so much damage to my family.