Page 86 of Addiction

Pop would not be fucking pleased with me if he were here and far from fucking proud.

I’m supposed to be the man of this family now that he is gone, but the person who has stepped up to that role is the man sitting across from me.

“Asher?” Grayson’s voice is calm and controlled, yet it sends an unpleasant shiver down my spine.

He’s needing answers, I get that, but the depth of my confession is hard to bear.

Years. It’s taken me years to even start to begin to accept who I am on the inside. How the hell am I going to tell him in minutes?

Nodding, I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and drink back the bland taste of the cold water.

When I look at him, I don’t know if I’m surprised or confused. There is no disappointment. There is no anger. There is nothing but fear: not because of me but for me. And that fear no doubt matches my own.

I drag my eyes away and stare at the empty glass, thinking back to all my mistakes. How can something that tastes so good have the deadliest penalties? Most drugs are illegal, why isn’t liquor? Why have a law against drinking and driving if there is no law for anything else when it comes to liquor? Alcohol can change people’s moods. Alcohol can destroy every fucking thing you thought you were and make others hate you for it. Where’s the law for that fallout?

“Why was she even there?” I ask.

“We got the call on our way home from Makenna’s. I wanted to take her home as we had Ava, but Nora insisted she wanted to see you.”

I close my eyes, disgusted with myself even more now knowing my niece was amongst it all too. How could I be so damn stupid?

“I knew Ryan would call you the second I asked for a drink.”

“He didn’t. It was Wade.”

My eyes dart to him. “Wade? What did he say?”

“That you were drinking, and he was worried.”

“He didn’t try to stop me,” I whisper. Why? After everything that happened beforehand, why hadn’t he tried to prevent me from making the mistakes I’ve brought upon myself?

“I told him not to. You can be pretty evil when you’re drunk, and I didn’t think it was fair to have him in the firing line without backup.”

I nod, knowing that he’s right. The more I used to drink, the more aggravated I’d become if anyone tried to stop me, question me, or tell me I’d had enough. Nora had often been that person. She’d never got on my case because for the majority of the time, I’d have been in California when I was binge drinking. But leading up to it, she’d always tell me I’d had enough.

I’d hated it.

Now I can see she’d been trying to prevent a bad situation from getting worse.

“Nora will never forgive me for this, will she?” I murmur. “I’ve failed her just like I did before. Just like I always do.”

He remains silent for a moment. “You broke a massive promise to her. Right now, she’s hurting, and she is no doubt confused. Just like I am.”

“I was so scared I’d relapse after I made that promise.”

“I said she was asking too much of you.”

My eyes dart to his again. “You knew I would relapse?”

“My mother, was an alcoholic remember? I lost count of the times she promised me her last drink would be her last. Eventually, it was just words. So, to put it bluntly, yeah, I knew you’d drink again. Once an addict, always an addict. I know it’s not easy.”

I hold his gaze, feeling hurt by his words, but also knowing he is right.

Exhaling, he leans forward. “I know you’ve been holding something close to your chest. What, I don’t know. But I see it, Asher. I’ve known you long enough to know when you are lying and when you speak the truth. That day out on my porch, the first day you came to see Nora after the accident, you promised me you’d change. I never thought you were lying about that, but I was still apprehensive about what came next. Making promises like that when in recovery are huge and from my own experience with my mom, I knew the pressure you put yourself under by making them. I had to prepare myself for the fall because I knew it would happen. I didn’t want to have my doubts, Asher, because you’re my best friend and I love you, but I had them. You have to understand that?”

I hang my head in shame. “I do.”

A part of me doesn’t blame him for having his doubts because, deep down, I’ve had them myself. Not only that, but I’ve proven him right.